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Fertility Network UK
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Let down..

Hi everyone,

Physically I am feeling recovered (a little at least) from last week but mentally I know is a whole different story and I’m taking each day as it comes.

These last few weeks though I’ve felt so let down by ‘friends’ that I thought genuinely cared and I would of gone out of my way to help. We were meant to be going out this weekend but I don’t want to go and for once I don’t actually feel guilty for putting myself first, I said to my husband not one of them has text either of us to ask how we are so how could we just rock up to a party pretending like everything’s alright when it’s far from it.

On top of that my consultant wants to see me next week which I feel apprehensive about, I’m not ready to discuss any future treatment yet but when I rang to postpone there next apt wasn’t until March. My bereavement midwife says he’s been asking about me and maybe the apt would be beneficial just to catch up but I always feel so much pressure going. I then have some family members who are already bringing up ‘have I thought about surrogacy or adoption’ - talk about kick a girl when she’s down!

It’s my birthday next week and it’s another year I’m facing it with a heavy heart and more disappointment 😢

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Hey lovely

I’m so sorry to hear your friends have met you Down so much, that’s such a shame especially at this difficult time! Please know we’re all friends on here and always ready to listen if you ever need to talk on here or private message what ever I’m always here.

I think it’s good your putting yourself first!! You need to look after you!!

You need to do what ever is right for you, if you don’t feel up to going to the appt don’t go, can you be put on a cancellation list if u choose not to go?

Oh bless you, even some members of the family speaking with out thinking, people sometimes really have no idea how much things like that hurt do they!!

I really hope you can do something you may enjoy for your birthday, but I know what you mean each year I’m getting older I worry more too!!

Stay strong and look after yourself, always here to talk!!

Sending love and hugs

Xxx💗

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Hiya hun

It's always at times like this you realise who your true friends are. Awful as it seems it's the truth. Ppl that aren't bothered about you in your hour of need especially when you've been there for them. Just goes to show their not worth it in my opinion. I know it seems a bit like give to receive but it's not a friend a true friend it's give and take especially when life's tough.

I know it's draining thinking to deal with consultant at this time but I think and this is only my opinion maybe it will help to start to look up and forward in a way start of a positive plan they just want to try do their job and help you the fact he's been asking after you sounds like he cares.

Those that are suggesting surrocacy are naively trying to help but not using their brain as too how much this is still so raw and affecting you it's not like either of them paths could be taken lightly so to just suggest like it's going to change your brand of milk Is a bit thoughtless. Just brush things like this off lightly and remember no body understands unless they're going through it or they have excellent empathetic skills..

Your doing great and you just think of you and what's important for you at the moment. Don't feel pressured or feel you have to please anyone you've done right to avoid partying you just don't need it and thinking of yourselves is the main thing right now.

You know where all here for you. Sending you big hugs

Hope you have a nice birthday hun do something special together

💗🤗😘

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Thank you so much, the more pain I go through the more I’m realising some people just aren’t worth it just seems to add to the grief we’re already going through. I think you could be right; I don’t have to commit to anything but at least I’d have an idea of what’s happening rather than waiting till March and then torturing myself with what ifs. Hope your doing okay xx

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Iv let go of so many ppl just through realizing it's all about them. Definitely think the appointment is a good idea March is too far away and you'll no doubt be kicking yourself later if you didn't go.

I'm not bad thanks 💗🤗😘

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Oh Hun I wish I was there in person to give you a big hug. You have been through so much and need your friends more than anything I'm sorry that they have not been there for you! It really is in the hard times where you discover who will support you. Those family members are probably trying to be helpful tho really their comments don't help at all. I don't think people understand unless they have been there and they make all kinds of silly comments not meaning to hurt you. I keep being asked when is our next round, don't wait too long etc I just have to tell them I'm dealing with one day at a time for now and will have a go again sometime in new year.

I would put yourself first and if your not up to going then I wouldn't go to the party. You don't want to spend the evening wishing you weren't there. Try and enjoy your birthday book a nice romantic meal with your husband or if your not up to going out have a romantic takeaway at home, light some candles have some wine.

Maybe just talking things over with the consultant will be a good thing you don't have to commit to anything yet until you are ready.

Lots of love to you ❤️ Xxx

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Thank you so much, your right I think they do want to help and don’t mean to cause more upset but people just don’t realise how hard this journey is. Definitely you have to take each day as it comes and if I’ve learnt anything from last year it’s not to rush into another cycle until I’m ready. Hope your doing okay xx

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I'm doing ok thanks some days are better than others. I think I'm driving my husband mad. Xx

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Totally understand that, I’d think my Hubby probably feels the same xx

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I echo everything diamond dream and all we need is luv said. Just concentrate on you. I do think maybe seeing your consultant would be good if you can manage it - it does sound like they care and it might be helpful to just listen and see what they say. We’re all here if you need a chat. Sadly I’m finding as I get older there are givers and takers and a lot of people who I thought were friends have shown themselves to be takers. I now do what’s right for me and have let various people go.

Look after you and OH. Do something special for your birthday and for yourselves and take one step at a time.

Xxx

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Thank you, I think I will keep the appt for next week he definitely is a caring consultant and I know waiting till March isn’t what I want to do either. Hope your doing okay and resting up xx

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Just see how you go. If it’s not right on the day then you could postpone.

I’m good - yes still resting up til back to work on Thurs. still feeling wiped out but can’t stay off forever (if only).

Look after yourself xxx

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So sorry to ready this, it’s a funny one with friends and family isn’t it. I really think sometimes they just don’t know what to say and so don’t say anything. But that just doesn’t help does it. Definitely think you should put yourself first and do whatever you feel you need to do or not do. You need to take the time to grieve and get back to yourself, don’t let anything pressure you to do it at anything other than your own pace xxx

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Thank you, I’m slowing learning from this journey it’s okay to put myself first and for the first time I’ve actually thought stuff what anyone thinks I’m not painting on a smile like I’m okay. Hope your doing okay xx

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Hi E_05,

I think the problem with some people is that unless they’ve been through what you’ve been through, they cannot understand how you’re feeling or what you need. I think all you can do is what you’re doing and make yourself the priority at the moment and look after yourself.

I know my experience has been different to yours, but I just wanted to say that when our first cycle failed I really didn’t feel like I could face our consultant, but my husband made an appointment for that week and once the meeting was over I did feel that little bit better. I think it was because it gave me the space to process what had happened.

I hope regardless what you do that you make sure you do celebrate your birthday! Although you’ve been through so much this year and you’re not where you want to be, you will get there- one way or another. 🙏💐 xxx

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Thank you, I think your right slowly learning unless your on this journey you really can’t understand it. I think I’m going to keep my apt if anything it’ll stop me torturing myself with ‘what if’s’ if I do put it of until March. Hope your doing okay xx

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No problem. I think it seems so obviously painful to us, but most people are too wrapped up in what’s going on for them. Although despite that, it doesn’t mean they don’t care!

I hope the appointment does help- I can’t imagine that it will make you feel worse.

I’m feeling a bit sick and dizzy today from the medication, and I’m also starting to feel anxious about the transfer - but apart from that I’m doing okay 😳 xxx

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Oh no I hope that eases soon for you, try not to worry to much I hope it goes smoothly for you xx

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I’m so sorry to hear of your heartache! I can’t say much that will help you but all I can say it’s, this journey has taught me a lot about other people. No one will ever understand what you’re going through, because it’s your journey. I find that people don’t get it and they say what they think will help when actually it makes things worse. It does make you see people in a different light. Definitely don’t feel guilty for not going out or for not making an effort. Hope you’re ok in time x

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Thank you, I know I wish sometimes people would just say nothing rather than thinking there helping and making it worse x

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Couldn’t agree more! I’ve stopped telling people what we’re going through incase they say something I don’t agree with or ask too many questions xx

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Just sending you a hug xxx

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So sorry to hear some people have let you down. Sadly some people just don't get "it" do they? They are so consumed with self or else are careless about the needs of their friends around them. You are the number 1 priority here. Please no one but yourself right now. This is all about you. You need time to recover mentally and physically and it WILL take time. It's just not helpful when some family members are suggesting surrogacy / adoption options etc. Right now you are in grief. You have lost a precious baby and you don't need probably well meaning remarks yet very insensitive. Thinking about you so much right now. It is so tough for you and your husband. We are all here on this forum for you. You are never alone. Unfortunately so many of us ladies bear the scars of a loss (es) and we are with you at this time. Sending you much love and big hugs. Spend your birthday as you want! After all, you're the birthday girl! I appreciate it marks another year older but you know what? It also can bring a new start,new prospects etc. Your day will come. Never give up!xo

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I know it is not long after your loss when you are scheduled to see your consultant but it may be a good idea to go along to it to ask questions, hear what he has to say. March is a long time away. Xo

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Thank you, I am going to keep my appt like you say March is a long time and I don’t want to torture myself up until then with the ‘what ifs’. You have been such a support to me these last few days, I don’t find the thought of being another year older than bad it’s just another disappointing year that I thought I’d be pregnant and I’m not. I know I’ve got to allow myself to go trough the grief xx

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It has been another rotten year for you and your husband. I know last year was too with your other sad loss. There are just no words. Life can be so cruel sometimes but it can also bring joy and here's trusting that with your birthday joy will follow very soon for you.xo

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So sorry to hear you are feeling let down, it's such an upsetting feeling. You absolutely need to put yourself first at the moment and not force yourself to do anything you don't want to - you are number one. The people that matter will still be there when you are ready to see them. Look after yourself. Xx ❤️

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Thank you so much, hope your doing okay? Xx

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Oh hun I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I think all of us on here have stories of feeling let down by friends. my closest friend has been awful. ..hugely insensitive comments to then not asking or being in touch at all. I understand it is hard for folks who haven't gone through this to understand jees I wouldn't wish this on anyone however I do believe even without experience you can show care and be a friend. I sometimes wonder if I have too high expectations of friends but I just know what I would do. I find that the longer this goes on for us some friends and even close family are almost getting fed up which I find hard as for me the longer this goes on the more support I feel we need. we have now agreed to start counselling next week in the hope that someone who's job it is to listen and advise will be helpful to us. I now find that we surround ourselves with people who do show they care and as best they can show some kind of understanding and I have withdrawn from those that don't. my closest pal who I mentioned who was our bridesmaid I feeI will find it hard to forget how she has been towards us and I feel it is unlikely that we will now be as close..sad but tbh I am kind of over it as in this process I think you have to prioritise yourselves and anyone not making you feel better sadly you have to ignore for now. birthdays and anniversaries are so hard I know but if you could plan something nice that might help even a little and do something just the two of you that reminds you both of how fabulous and in love and strong you are. my big birthday is looming and I want to hide under the covers however instead I have taken charge and organised some nice things with supportive friends only and we are going away for the actual day otherwise I think I would just lay and cry all day😢😢😢you have had the worst few weeks/months so allow yourself to feel however you feel and don't feel at all bad for it..name the feelings and claim them then try to aim them somewhere positive if you can and perhaps speaking to your consultant might help you to off load some of your worries and fears and get some answers. sending you so much love and understanding and you have loads of friends on here xxxxxxxx

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Thank you so much, all you’ve said is so true I sometimes think I’m expecting to much but then I think vice Versa they have been through things I haven’t and I still drop a text to say I’m thinking of them - think that’s the not that hurts. Your right the longer this journey continues the more hurt you go through and need more support, in the beginning we were very quiet about what we were going through. I hope the counselling helps, we shall both make sure we enjoy our birthdays! Xx

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For sure...and at least alcohol can be involved so every cloud 🍷🍷🍷🍷😂😂😂😂. I agree too that all I wanted from my best pal was the odd text or old school card and got none of that so tbh I reckon our

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Awwww. I feel for you so much. I'm always astonished at how many people have friends and family who act so insensitively. I get that people don't know what to say but surely just a silent hug or even a text along the lines of "I'm thinking of you" wouldn't go amiss.

Good for you for doing what's right by you and not going out this weekend. You've just been something harrowing and they should get that.

We're all here for you xxx

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Thank you, I would be lost without this forum. I agree and thanks to emojis now you don’t even need to send words it’s that what hurts people just seem like they don’t care. Hope your doing okay xx

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Im so sorry that you feel abandoned by your friends! I suspect some dont really know what to say or how to treat you. No, dont feel bad for putting yourself first, your recovery is way more important than a party and your friends should be reassuring you if nothing else. I have had some sticky situations with my friends and Iv just kept my distance from those ones now, they dont deserve my friendship!

As for family coming away with comments, my mother in law has come away with some crackers since we've been doing this - "you should just give this up or you'll ruin your marriage", "children arent everything, just go on lots of holidays"....not a clue. Pretty insensitive really!

Sending hugs and take it easy honey!xx

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Thank you, I think your right I guess there comes times in life where we outgrow our friends and maybe this is one of them. So sorry you’ve had such insensitive comments to, some people need to learn it’s best just not to say anything. Hope the 2ww is going okay xx

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Im ok I guess....or maybe not as Im starting to worry that its not worked as Im not feeling very much. I only had a slight backache and pelvis on day 4 and nothing since apart from the progesterone sore boobs! So yes, freaking out as usual really! Ha ha ha xx

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Thats understandable and I know everyone says it but remember lots of people have no side affects and still get BFP 🤞xx

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Thank you, I think I need a kick up the backside more than anything! Ha ha ha xx

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Oh sweetheart. Just massive love and hugs to you xxx

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Thank you xx

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I know how you feel. Thinking of you and sending you a virtual hug xx

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Thank you, never seems to get easier does it xx

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No. And just when you think it does you get kicked back down again 😞 xx

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Friendship has changed forever now but I am strangely ok with it now as I know who I can rely on...take care xxxx

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Sorry this was the second part of my earlier reply..it has come in two replies and I haven't had a glass of wine yet...honestly 😂xxxx

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Haha that’s okay, your so right it doesn’t take a lot to show people you care xx

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I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. I'm sure your friends just don't know how to deal with this and how to support you. Obviously they are wrong to allow this to mean being absent, but please don't think this means they don't care about you and what you've been through. I'm sure we all have friends who feel uncomfortable around us sub-fertile people!! I try to tell myself that they feel uncomfortable because they can't understand what we are going through and they just don't know what to say, but that they still want the best for us. Though it doesn't stop me getting upset as well.

You've been through so much. Like everyone else is saying, focus on you at the moment. Be selfish. Do whatever makes you feel comfortable and content. And all your friends on here will be here for you xxx

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Thank you, I know I would be lost without all of you. I think the hard thing is some of my ‘friends’ don’t even know what we’ve been through. People just hear miscarriage and presume you start to bleed and bam it’s over when we all know it’s far from. I guess in life we out grow people and maybe this is whats happening now xx

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You sadly find out who your real friends are 😞 xx

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So true, it can make a lonely journey feel even lonelier xx

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I must admit that I don't know what it is like to go through a miscarriage. Like most women on here, we can't get pregnant without help, and we've only managed the shortest of chemical pregnancies that way. But I can imagine just how soul destroying your experiences have been.

I read each of your stories with so much heartbreak. You ladies may not always feel it, but to me you are so strong, and such an inspiration (that may be the wrong word but I hope you know what I mean). You make me proud to be part of this community xx

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That’s such a lovely comment, for me I get strength from all of you we each face our own ‘battles’ but are still there to listen or offer advice to others. Until I joined I’d never found a place where I get such comfort from people I’ve never met yet I feel like I’ve known for years xx

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so sorry to hear this, these times definitely reveal who cares and who doesn't. I hope you feel cared for on this forum and that you can get some support x

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Thank you, this forum is amazing as is my hubby and a few close friends so there the ones that matter x

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I’m sorry to hear that your friends aren’t there in your hour of need. Going through something like IVF is traumatic enough and also not to have the support of your friends is not what you need right now. When I first met my fiancé I had a friend who went funny with me. I would of text her every week to try and arrange something and she use to text me back and say she would get back to me but never did. She then said to her mum (bearing in mind that her mum is friends with my mum) that I was pushing her away and all I talked about was my partner. Which isn’t true at all as I would text her every week. Me, my fiancé, another friend of ours and her boyfriend, as well as the said friend and her husband arranged to go out for a meal. They had said yes then bailed at the last minute. And I haven’t heard from her or even seen her since 2013. She even stopped talking to our other friend as she had got me and my partner set up on a date and the best thing is she is a married lady. I didn’t understand why. But I’m better off now. It’s a good idea to have a chat with your consultant you don’t have to commit to anything until you feel ready to do so xx

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Thank you, it’s so hard isn’t it when you lose friends you thought would always be there for you. Sounds like your friend may have been a little jealous of you and your partner. I’m definitely keeping my apt just to discuss what’s happened xx

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I think so too. And I use to do anything for her. And had always been there and she does that to me. Let us know what they say. And whatever is said you don’t have to make a decision there and then. Talk to your partner or to any of us for opinions and advice. We are with you every step of the way. I know the process can be painful I’ve certainly found it hard to come to terms with what I’m going through and taking measures to take care of myself. I decided to change careers because at the moment I’m a Nursery Nurse but in a couple of weeks I’m going to be a receptionist xxx

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