BFN blues

[Hayley5385]

So, this is my first time posting and just thought it might be good to talk to others who are struggling. I'm 17 days post BFN after a 5d fresh donor egg transfer and still feeling really low. I'm usually really positive but still feel so tearful all the time. Everyone else seems to have moved on and I feel kind of stuck. Anyone have any tips on how to get past this?

[ICSIBaby86]

oh lovely it really is soul destroying isn't it, I bounced back quite quickly after my first failed transfer I was still so positive about my FETs ... then my second FET was a BFN and I've really struggled this time round. It's a grief and it comes in waves I just try to ride them out when they do come. Some days I'm positive others I feel like the world is trying to crush me. Just take good care of yourself I had a holiday after my failed FET and it did the world of good ' it's still early days for you yet. Cry if you need to and take it easy ! It's an awful process to go through but eventually we'l get through it xxxxxx stay strong !!

[Hayley5385 in reply to ICSIBaby86]

Hi ICSIbaby 86, thank you for making me feel normal! It really is soul destroying at the moment. I'm trying to get myself sorted so I can think about my next go with FET. Maybe I'll feel better after my follow up? Thank you for your kind words, I know deep down that we'll get there 🙂 Xx

[ICSIBaby86 in reply to Hayley5385]

I think you just can't put a time on healing, I kept thinking this time round why don't I feel better already ? Last time I felt ok quite quickly. It's been about 7-8 weeks since my last failed transfer and I'm still feeling the pang in my heart ! Trying to change my mindset now though round 3 ! Take it easy ❤️

[Hayley5385 in reply to ICSIBaby86]

Thank you, and you too! I'll keep positive thoughts for you .. they do say 3rd time lucky! Xx

[Amanda86]

Really sorry to hear this. It's such a tough process. After my first fail I was gutted but still pretty positive, after my second I was very low and have to say I did feel like that for a while. Grief is very different for everyone. Just remember that how your feeling is totally normal. You'll have good and bad days. Take all the time you need and in time you will feel better although I know it doesn't seem that way just now. Take care xxx

[Hayley5385 in reply to Amanda86]

Thank you Amanda86! I wish I'd posted on here sooner! Talking to others who know how you feel is quite comforting. This was my first go so I know I need to be positive. Xxx

[Amanda86 in reply to Hayley5385]

It definitely helps! Great bunch on here and we can all relate to everything we feel at various stages of treatment so do stick around 🙂 Xxx

[NDE1987]

Hunny I'm so sorry for your negative they really do suck. Firstly you are not alone, I myself have had 4 transfers which all failed (2 IUIs and 2 ivf) it is so hard to try and be positive again and try and be upbeat!! It dosent help with people at work are announcing pregnancies. Could you and your other half try and book a trip away? Don't feel like you have to rush and do another cycle, take time out and remember your not to blame for this, none of us chose this to be our lives. Enjoy life and remember the bigger picture xxx

[Hayley5385 in reply to NDE1987]

Yes I think you're right! Maybe a trip away would be good. Feel like I've done nothing but think about IVF and everything that comes with for a long time. Hope you're doing ok? Xxx

[E_05]

I definitely get how you feel - I posted earlier about feeling so low but a good chat on here always helps me. I was very negative after my 2nd FET failed and was sure I wouldn't put myself through another cycle but then I joined this forum and am now stimming for my 4th cycle. It takes time to grieve for the loss and only you will know when the time to try again (if you want to) is. Dont pressure yourself, it's totally 'normal' to feel the way you are. Stay strong xx

[Hayley5385 in reply to E_05]

Thank you! Coming on here has already helped. Rather than sitting here feeling sorry for myself I now realise that this is a long process and and it's hard work. I really hope you have more luck with your next cycle and I'll keep thinking positive for you xxx

[E_05 in reply to Hayley5385]

Thank you, am glad it's helped. It definitely is a long journey but you never have to feel alone xx

[Tugsgirl]

I had a bfn on my first round. It's so hard and there's no quick fix or correct way. Just let yourself feel what you need to feel xx

[_MrsC]

Sweetie let yourself grieve. Put it into context; it's been two and a half weeks since your world came crashing down. That's no time at all. I'm nearly 5 weeks on from ours and still at times I feel great sadness, anger and frustration. This is to be expected.

The only thing I can tell you I've done is to make the decision for no more ivf. I cannot tell you how empowered I feel now. For the first time in 5 years, I feel free. That has come at a cost and I will mourn that loss every day for the rest of my life but I can't go on thinking I am a failure and not enjoying the life I've been given. Now our choice has been for us and everyone must take their own path. I want to enjoy my time with my lovely husband and celebrate our love. We are a small family of two and two fur babies but we are a house filled with love, compassion and laughter. The tension has lifted (most days) and there is a future ahead for us. I'm even planning my retirement and planning some investments to achieve an early retirement. As I said to my hubby, in 20 years, we can retire and have a settled life with lovely holidays. Our friends will be stressing about kids still living at home not being able to afford to move out. Whilst this was never our first choice, it's not a bad life. We are blessed with good jobs, a warm home and each other. Many in the world would desire just one of these and feel they'd won the lottery.

Please just let yourself feel it. You've been through a huge trauma whilst on ridiculous drugs which makes it worse. Be kind to yourself. You are important. Sending you a huge hug. 🤗 xxx

[Hayley5385 in reply to _MrsC]

Thank you, I felt maybe I was blowing it all out of proportion. But you are right, it is grief and I guess I need time to get over the loss of something I wanted to work so badly. I like your out look, sometimes you have to admit this is the way life will be and enjoy what you have. You sound very empowered and happy now you've made that decision xxx

[_MrsC in reply to Hayley5385]

Thanks. I sound empowered because I gave myself back the power and control. I am always happier when I feel in control. Try it. It might work for you too. xxx

[Fredaflintstone]

We're all different. I came crashing down after our bfn and didn't think I'd ever feel right but fairly soon the glimmer of hope knowing we had frosties and having a plan for next steps really helped me feel better. I still have days where I'm filled with fear. I know if it doesn't work this time around after our fet planned for sept it will be harder. I don't think I'll cope very well and know I'll need to take time out and live a normal life for a while before we try again. We can all only do what we can and move at our own pace. It's a massive struggle and we need to be kind to ourselves. One day at a time xx

[Hayley5385 in reply to Fredaflintstone]

You are so right! We do need to be kind to ourselves and heal from the disappointment and grief. I wish I could have had my follow up sooner, think that will help with closure on that cycle so I can start again. I've got two Frosties waiting so hopefully I can have another go in late September or October. Keep in touch and let me know how you're getting on xxx

[Fredaflintstone in reply to Hayley5385]

That's good. It really helped at our follow up to be told it's a bit of a numbers game and that it was unlikely there was anything wrong with my uterus. Yes let's keep in touch. Hope you're feeling a teensie bit better today or more xx

[Hayley5385 in reply to Fredaflintstone]

I definitely think the follow up will help. Feeling better today, had a good chat with OH which has cleared the air a bit. Hope you have a nice day! Xx

[NsKaz]

So sorry to hear about your BFN. They are just crushing. I'm 4 weeks on from mine (1st round) and I've been very up and down. I'd say struggling is normal! Let yourself feel what u need to feel. Have you thought about counselling? I know it's not everyone's bag but sometimes helps to talk it through with someone... if not, this forum is a great place to vent / get support and advice. Wish I could take the pain away! Take care of yourself lovely xxx

[Hayley5385 in reply to NsKaz]

Thank you! Coming on here was the best thing I've done. I've found talking to you all has really lifted my mood. Think I just needed to speak to people who understand how I'm feeling. Are you going to have another cycle? Xxx

[NsKaz in reply to Hayley5385]

Good I'm so glad! Yes I'm currently waiting for our FET. We've got 5 good quality embryos in the freezer! I have to wait 3 months tho before treatment can start again. Ive got my follow up appointment on 29th Aug to discuss next steps. I've been quite ill with OHSS so although it feels like forever I guess waiting 3 months is a good thing xx

[Hidden]

Big hugs to you Hayley5385 xxx

When my 1st cycle failed I took 2 weeks off...had to see my GP where I burst into tears & felt so embarassed afterwards.

My husband & I went to Canary Islands. Being in a different sunny environment helped a lot. Read some silly non fiction books too.

2nd cycle failed as well but this time I didn't tell anyone so just hiding my sorrow at work. Take care & hang in there xxx

[Hayley5385 in reply to Hidden]

It's horrible trying to pretend everything is ok at work when it's not. That's been one of the hardest things for me. Hope you're ok? This IVF lark is such hard work both physically and mentally xxx

[Hidden in reply to Hayley5385]

I have good days & bad days. Been hiding in the bedroom & crying a bit to myself as didn't want to upset my DH. I got upset hearing my work colleagues (who all have kids) talking about someone who's had 12 or more rounds of IVF & is embarking on her 13th round. They are all shaking their heads in disbelief. How do they know how we really feel?

Glad I have a day off from work to have a good cry.

Sending you big hugs xxx

[Hayley5385 in reply to Hidden]

Aww bless you! I have been exactly the same. One day I'm ok and the next I'm sobbing. Last couple of days have been easier and finally feel a bit more comfortable thinking about the next cycle with a FET. People have no idea unless they've been though it. Hope you're ok? Sending big hugs back your way xxx

[Hidden in reply to Hayley5385]

Isn't it really nice to have someone that really understands what we are going through? Thank you so much for replying & for the hugs.

Don't know when we will try again. Maybe in October to give my body a little break.

All the best for when you start FET. Hopefully we'll have positive news to share at some point too xxx

[-noodles-]

hey hayley, welcome!

guess i just want to repeat what all the wise ladies have already said. feeling down is totally normal - we are grieving, and unless they've had personal experience, i find most people are clueless about how painful it is. thank god for this forum.

i've had 2 failed rounds - fresh in march & FET (5 weeks ago) i'm still feeling utterly shit - some days i'm down & others i'm angry with friends who have it "easy" (i know no one really has it easy in life, but it's tempting to think that at times)

be kind to yourself & try to talk to to someone if you can. this can be a lonely journey, so keep supportive people close. fortunately my sister & a couple of friends have had fertility treatment so i've been lucky to bend their ears on my dark days.

sending lots of positive vibes your way ✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

[Hayley5385 in reply to -noodles-]

Aww thank you! There has to be some light for us all at some point. I've got 2 Frosties and really want to try again but scared that it's not going to work. I know I can't give up though and will find the strength (and money) to have another couple of goes. Are you going to give it another go? Xxx