I haven't been on for a while, but feel ready to come back.
As some of you know we found out at our 12 week scan that our little one had severe development anomalies.
It's liver had formed outside of the body and while doing so had attached to the gestational sac because of this had twisted the spine and stopped the abdomen from developing properly. We saw him/her moving away, it's little hands & feet all was the right size, which was even more heartbreaking!
They advised that we could carry to full term but that baby wouldn't survive longer than minutes so we made the decision to end the pregnancy.
It all happened so quickly, scan on the Monday and was in hospital Friday for a medical termination (HATE that word!!!).
I really didn't expect the physical pain and was completely unprepared for it. I was told that it wouldn't be too painful, just like bad period pains! Our nurses left us to deal with it alone and didn't give me any information about what was actually happening or what to do when something started, when I started getting actual contractions I was so shocked. Had to have gas & air for the pain! Also a Dr coming in later and asking “If we were all delivered...?” I had to give my husband the “look” to stop him from punching him! lol
It was a horrendous couple of hours and I felt so bad for my husband having to watch and feel so helpless, but if anything this has just made us stronger, and I didn’t even think that was possible.
They are doing chromosomal testing but we won’t get the results until July/August, so just feel it is being more drawn out that it needs to be.
I have to keep reminding myself how fortunate I am to have the things that I have, a husband who is my rock and family & friends support that I couldn't live without and generally we are actually doing really well but I have had a really angry week this week! Why us? Why me? What have we done to possibly deserve this?
I know it will pass!
Currently surrounded by 4 pregnant women in my everyday life, one who is due 4 days before my due date. I just have to get on and realise that every pregnancy (even when I wish it was my own) is a blessing and these women have been on their own journey!
We are so so lucky to still have 2 funded cycles (got in their just before our CCG changed to 1) so hopefully going to start cycle 2 in August/September time.
We are planning a well-deserved holiday to Italy in the next month to spend some time together and forget this journey for a few weeks and just be "us".
I just want to say a huge thank you to all that supported me throughout, you women (and men) are the bravest and most resilient people and I know!
Wishing love, luck & huge prayers to all of you at whatever stage of your journey. We can do this!!!