I haven't been on for a while, but feel ready to come back.
As some of you know we found out at our 12 week scan that our little one had severe development anomalies.
It's liver had formed outside of the body and while doing so had attached to the gestational sac because of this had twisted the spine and stopped the abdomen from developing properly. We saw him/her moving away, it's little hands & feet all was the right size, which was even more heartbreaking!
They advised that we could carry to full term but that baby wouldn't survive longer than minutes so we made the decision to end the pregnancy.
It all happened so quickly, scan on the Monday and was in hospital Friday for a medical termination (HATE that word!!!).
I really didn't expect the physical pain and was completely unprepared for it. I was told that it wouldn't be too painful, just like bad period pains! Our nurses left us to deal with it alone and didn't give me any information about what was actually happening or what to do when something started, when I started getting actual contractions I was so shocked. Had to have gas & air for the pain! Also a Dr coming in later and asking “If we were all delivered...?” I had to give my husband the “look” to stop him from punching him! lol
It was a horrendous couple of hours and I felt so bad for my husband having to watch and feel so helpless, but if anything this has just made us stronger, and I didn’t even think that was possible.
They are doing chromosomal testing but we won’t get the results until July/August, so just feel it is being more drawn out that it needs to be.
I have to keep reminding myself how fortunate I am to have the things that I have, a husband who is my rock and family & friends support that I couldn't live without and generally we are actually doing really well but I have had a really angry week this week! Why us? Why me? What have we done to possibly deserve this?
I know it will pass!
Currently surrounded by 4 pregnant women in my everyday life, one who is due 4 days before my due date. I just have to get on and realise that every pregnancy (even when I wish it was my own) is a blessing and these women have been on their own journey!
We are so so lucky to still have 2 funded cycles (got in their just before our CCG changed to 1) so hopefully going to start cycle 2 in August/September time.
We are planning a well-deserved holiday to Italy in the next month to spend some time together and forget this journey for a few weeks and just be "us".
I just want to say a huge thank you to all that supported me throughout, you women (and men) are the bravest and most resilient people and I know!
Wishing love, luck & huge prayers to all of you at whatever stage of your journey. We can do this!!!
Oh gosh Hun you have really been through it, that must have been so so difficult, I can't even imagine. I can't believe how you were just left and didn't have things explained to you, I feel so angry on your behalf.
I hope that by returning to this forum that you're starting to feel stronger and I'm glad you have a plan. Hope you have a lovely trip first though, you really deserve it. Lots of love xxx
Oh my days, what a hellish time of it you've had! I think some time away is well deserved for both you and your hubby, I hope you manage to have a lovely time!xx
Hi A. Well, where do you start with all this! I just can’t get over the way you were treated by the doctor and nursing staff when you went in to give birth to your unfortunate, precious little one. They made it sound as if you knew all about what was to happen, and you could sort yourselves out! I just thank goodness that you had a loving husband to be by your side. It is good to read that you are to have chromosomal testing, just in case, although from experience most come back OK. I hope by now you are getting some support around all what has happened. Perhaps your clinic could arrange a counselling session for you?? You will get over the awful experience, but I don’t think you ever forget (speaking from experience), but off you go on your holiday and have a fabulous time – Italy – just the job to relax and prepare for your next cycle of treatment. I will be thinking of you. Diane
Taylor I am so sorry to read your latest post.
You are one strong lady but I suppose you have had to be.
I hope you manage to relax on holiday and pick yourselves up again and prepare yourself for your nest steps.
I'm so sorry to hear what a difficult time you've been having. I can't imagine what you went through receiving the news at your scan. I hope you and your partner are able to relax and recuperate while you're away. You sound like you have a really strong, loving relationship, which I'm sure will help you lots over the coming months. Take care
I was so sad to read your post and so sorry for the loss of your little one. I hope the tests provide some insight and support for future rounds.
I also wish you all the very best of luck for whatever you decide to do next. this journey is such a hard and long one but there are some exceptionally strong people out there - including you.
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Hope you will enjoy your holidays in Italy, stay strong! 
It's been a while but wanted to say hi again x
Living in the PUPO bubble...10dp5dt *sensitive - updated...bfp*
Update
Update: Heartbeat but not viable 💔
3 day or 5 day transfer, any advice appreciated..x
