A particularly hard night

A particularly hard night

A friend of ours has just announced the birth of her second son on Facebook tonight. This lady has had her fair share of miscarriages before her sons were born. I'm happy for her, honestly she deserves her family, but I just broke down tonight after seeing the announcement. I would have been 11 weeks today. Instead I drank two glasses of wine and stepped out into the garden to talk to my baby, to its little tree, and tell it how much I love it and miss it, how I'll never forget it and how I wish things could have been different. Just when you think the pain has eased it hits you again xx

EDIT; Our baby's tree today in the sunshine 🌴 🌞 πŸ’• We have a little Cherub in a pair of cupped hands and some stones with our names on x

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  • Hugs xxxx

  • Hey tugs

    I have silently been seeimg your pain and feeling your pain

    I want to tell you it gets better but i would be a liar. It eases yes.and there will be days when you feel you.can handle it all and days when u realise that the pain is worse than before, you breakdown cos a baby advert comes on, your heart breaks when u hear a newborn cry in a shop, you walk past the babysection and think that should have been me.

    Nothing prepares you for the pain but jist try grtting by 1 minute at a time its easier than a day at a time.

    We lost our boy at 17 weeks after 3 failed private fresh cycles and 4th time ot worked followed by 2 more failed cycles.

    I find it harder now than ever before

    Massive hugs to you

  • Lovely to hear from you TamTam - hope you're doing well xx

  • Hey hon

    There are people worse off so getting by.

    Hope you 2 are ok xx

  • Thank you Tamtam1. What gets me is how it just floors you out of nowhere! You feel ok then bam!!! My OH asked me if I think I need to speak to a counsellor last night. I don't know... I was a bit annoyed he suggested it I suppose because I know he hates to see me so upset but really I just don't see the point; I'm still functioning, smiling (mostly) eating and sleeping. Talking to a counsellor won't change anything. Nothing will bring our baby back. All the why's and what ifs and should haves. I'm waking up with a headache every day, is this normal πŸ€·β€β™€οΈ 😞 X

    Ps I'm so sorry for your loss x

  • Sending you lots of virtual hugs xx

  • Big hugs xxxx

  • Oh tugs I really feel for you. You're such a strong lady and you will get through this, one day at a time. I think tam is right, it doesn't get better but over time it does ease and you learn how to protect yourself a little better and cope with what I would call triggers. Thinking of you and sending you the biggest hug xxxxx

  • Thank you xx

  • ❀️❀️

  • Oh sweetheart this post has brought a tear to my eye. No words will help but I can say that you write some really supportive things on here which gives others great strength including me. I had to spend last night with my pregnant step daughter. There is only 18 months between us but the family were all laughing at the family saying I was going to be a Nana. Ordinarily I would laugh it off but as you can imagine I was quite upset. A mix of jealousy and annoyance filled me, but I try and be rational and be happy for her.... it also helps that as much as I want to have a baby I wouldn't swap my life hers as I am so lucky in other ways and her boyfriend is a bit of a sap!

  • Thank you so much for making me feel useful to others. Its a nice feeling and sure beats feeling sad all the time X

  • You poor thing. Your grief is still very raw and you have every right to feel the way you do. It's to be expected. Don't beat yourself up for feeling the way you do. Feel it until one day you wake up and it is slightly easier. Big hug to you. x

  • I feel your pain! I should be 28 weeks it's not fair xxxxπŸ˜₯

  • It's awful at times. I'm sorry for your pain too xx

  • It's going to take time it funny how the grief hits you out of nowhere you can't always control it xx

  • Oh Vicky. I'm so so sorry. I don't think the pain ever completely goes away. My sister has two gorgeous healthy boys but still cries for her miscarried baby on Mother's Day and anniversaries.

    Your loss is still so recent and so raw, be kind to yourself. It will get easier. Xx

  • You're probably right about the pain and it probably won't. That's why when OH suggested counselling I didn't see the point. Surely my grief is normal? And of course there will be times when it really hits me. I think I'm ok. I think (apart from the daily headaches) I'm reacting normally. People forget that it isn't just miscarriage some of us ladies are suffering from but infertility too and that makes our pain, I don't know, more cruel? xx

  • I think you're absolutely right. I think every miscarriage is painful but when you've been through infertility and then suffer the loss I can only imagine the pain is amplified.

    I wouldn't rule out counselling. Just because grief is "normal" we all have to find a way to get through it. Counselling may not be for you, it isn't for everyone but give it some thought. Sometimes talking things through can help.

    Be kind to yourself lovely. Xx

  • Be kind to yourself, you are still grieving. Im sending you huge hugs xxx I love your little tree idea as this gives you a spot where you can chat to your little angel. I hope with time the pain becomes more bearable but until then feel free to share with us and have a damn good cry whenever you want to. You are an amasing girl and you will get through this. We are here for you xxx

  • Oh thank you so much for your kind words. I'm truly touched xx

  • I wish i had the words to take the pain away but i don't. Just know that you have support here & sending you a big hug xxx

  • O darling lots of hugs for you.xxxxxxx

  • Sending you a big hug. It's so hard. I see you always reply to posts on here giving advice and things. I really admire that. Coming on this website is something I find difficult and not because I'm not happy for people but because I wish it was me.

    Your such a strong lady.

    Xxx

  • I know that feeling.. I am trying to be strong.. xx

  • I had a miscarriage shortly before going to an interview and one of the other candidates kept saying how they were tierd and being kept up all night because they just had a new born. Out came their phone, the photos, stories, videos. I had to excuse myself and go home in tears. Life isn't fair. I now hide posts from people whom I know have children, babies and anything like that. It breaks your heart. Am so sorry xx

  • That must have been so hard for you 😞 xx

  • Hi tugsgirl, I'm so sorry you're feeling so low. Having had 2 miscarriages I get it. You should think about counselling my lovely - it may not be for you and you maybe think just talking round and round isn't achieving anything, but for me it felt like my place to be "allowed" to grieve. I could say, do, and feel whatever I wanted. Not be judged and not feel guilty. I'm not saying we are not allowed to feel these things or grieve any other time, but we put on the brave face, pull our socks up and get on with it until eventually the grief literally chokes us, like a build up in your throat with pushing and bottling it down so much. I had my 1st counselling 6 months after my 16 week loss. I delivered the baby, had 2 weeks off work- and after I went back to life pretty much as normal. But as November drew closer which was my baby's due date, I was distraught, in a bad state, and I think I had some sort of delayed grief or traumatic stress response. I had to see someone. I realised I shouldn't have left it so long, so the 2nd miscarriage at 6 weeks I saw a counsellor straight away! It helped hugely. It's not a magic wand, but it just helps you to compartmentalise things in your mind so things are a little easier to manage. Big big hugs to you both sweetie xxx

  • Thank you for your kind words and advice. I will give it some thought I promise xx

  • I'm so sorry for your loss. I cant even comprehend the pain a miscarriage would cause, as of yet I have been unable to fall pregnant, I'm struggling to cope with that. I can definitely understand the heartbreak of seeing another friend/colleague announce they are pregnant on Facebook (Instagram, via messenger - in fact any announcement in any form) and wondering when it will be your turn. I even had to unfollow my sister on facebook when she was pregnant and didn't see her in person until my nephew was 7 months old. It was just too painful and I couldn't cope. I still struggle; he's 18 months old now. You sound a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for x

  • I'm doing my best, it's all any of us can do. Like I said, infertility is hard enough without suffering a miscarriage; it's like a double whammy 😞 I'm sorry that you're struggling because I know how that feels 😞 Good luck on your journey xx

  • Ps I've hidden so many things, people and ads on Facebook lately that I barely have a news feed left! X

  • Snap! I know it sounds awful but as soon as someone announces their pregnancy I unfollow (but not unfriend) as I just cant cope with it. I've also deleted the FB app from phone, which has been the best thing I could have done. I very rarely go on there anymore.

    Thank you for your kind wishes and words. I keep hoping, its all I can do x

  • It's all any of us can do. If we don't have hope we don't have anything x

  • Dear tugs . I feel u . These days every time I see a baby I have tears in my eyes. When I think I've got everything under control I just break down out no where. I thought it'll get easier but it seems never ending pain . The only time im at peace is when I can have my sleeping pills and am completely shit down . Which is not too often . Bcoz gp would only prescribe for a week . Even my sleeps haunt me . It's a as if my body is paralysed and my mind walks out of d body and keeps thinking throughout d night. And then through d day I feel exhausted . I take care Hun

    Xxx

  • What a beautiful tree! Hope you're doing ok xx

  • Big Hugs Hun. Love your baby's tree so colourful xx

  • Thank you. It's an evergreen and will flower every spring/summer x

  • Your welcome, It's beautiful the colours are so vibrant (thing that's the word ) xx

  • It is πŸ‘πŸ» 🌸 X

  • Very sorry to read, hugs xx

  • Tugsgirl, you are so brave. I hope it all gets better soon and you get your much wanted baby. I haven't been pregnant or had any real treatment as of yet but still find it really difficult when anyone announces a pregnancy. I guess for all of us on here that's a natural reaction. I decided last week to come off facebook and instead check this forum, which makes me feel I'm not alone in all of this and gives me some small hope.

    Lots of love to you.

    Lucy xx

  • Thank you Lucy. Wishing you luck on your journey xx

    Vicky

  • Beautiful tree!!πŸ’• Sending you a hug!xx

  • Hi Tugs - I feel for you so much. Those Facebook announcements cause me so much pain that I no longer go on Facebook at all, even though it means I don't know what friends from uni or school are up to anymore. After three years of trying, four cycles of ivf, one pregnancy (finally) and a miscarriage at 8 weeks (I'd be 7 1/2 months now) I unfortunately think the bitterness and sadness will never fully disappear, even though I get a lot of joy from other areas of my life. I have very few eggs left and low quality (according to my amh level) so I think I have one more year trying then we'll be on to donor eggs if we decide to go down that route. I never have enough eggs to freeze and have very little hope left now but will keep going until all my eggs are pretty much gone. The pain definitely comes and goes and I wish there was generally more awareness of the emotional horror of fertility problems as they can make you feel so alone and infuriated. Thinking of you and empathising wholeheartedly xxxx

  • Aw thank you! I'm sorry for your loss..

    I grew so tired of the ignorance and misconceptions surrounding infertility and ivf that on my second round I shared everything to my friends and family on Facebook. That included our pregnancy announcement and then subsequently telling everyone about our missed miscarriage. I grew tired of people telling me to just relax and it would happen or that I'd end up with triplets after ivf. I have no doubt that some people are growing tired of my posts about infertility awareness but I have to see their pregnancy announcements and baby pictures day in and day out. They've probably hidden me from their newsfeed as I have them. I don't blame them, I'd probably be the same! But I just wanted to make people think before they speak! Anyway as we face the prospect of our third round I feel I'm done sharing on Facebook. I'll still share infertility posts but next time, much like the first time, I'll keep our treatment to those that need to know (except for on here of course, I couldn't do it without this group!).

    I wish you luck with all future treatments xx

    Vicky

  • Oh I really commend you sharing your story on fb - half of me would love to just show people what we go through, they have no idea, the ignorance is frightening, but another part shys away from sharing what I worry they would see as my 'failures'. As you say, it's not just miscarriage but sheer infertility issues that are harrowing. I was somewhat surprised how much more sympathetic people (including my family) were with me after my miscarriage compared to simply during ivf treatment and after BFNs, which are also traumatising but no one seems to appreciate that unless they've been through it. I'd love more general awareness but don't know how to achieve that.

    I need to work out how to hide people on fb without unfriending them so I don't have to be so wary of going on there/getting annoyed and upset by baby posts!

    Re. the counselling, you're so right that what you're feeling is completely normal and to be expected. I think only talk to a professional if you'd find it helpful. I do go to counselling sometimes as it's a wonderful release to be able to rant and cry to someone totally non-judgemental. They don't provide any magic cures to make me feel entirely better but being able to vent about things I can't say to others does help and I feel a sense of relief afterwards.

    Lots of hugs to you and so much luck for the future πŸ€—πŸ€βœ¨ xxx

  • Facebook is a gross feeder. Get off there and give yourself some time. You're allowed to hurt. You're allowed to cry. You're allowed to smile. You're allowed to shout. You're allowed to wonder. You're allowed. You need time to heal and your OH probably suggested a counsellor because they are better placed to help you do that - perhaps not a terrible idea in a little while. Rant, shout, share as much as you want/need here - that's what this place is for.

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