Waiting game

Hi all,

I finally got the referal papers to the clinic to sign, it came while i was in France to take my mind of it πŸ˜‘, first thing i did when i went through that door was to open it like it was a christmas present read it meticulously, fill it and sign it then pass it to my other half whose lack of intesrest and enthusiasm just threw me back making me feel and maybe just reminded that i m in this all by myself and his level of interest is that of a sperm donor.

I was recomendeda book by another member here what to expect when she s not expecting thinking that it will help us understand each others position it took me a day to read, he never even flick through it.

Well i guess it s just matter of getting used to the idea of being single in a marriage and counting on myself for support.

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  • My hubby wasn't exactly enthusiastic when it came to signing the papers, I filled them in and read everything and all he had to do was sign. Whilst it was a bit annoying he doesn't like filling in any forms and I think he was a bit embarrassed as they wanted a lot of detail. It was similar when we received the paperwork for using donor eggs, in the end I said he had to read 2 keys pieces of paper after he asked for a summary! He is committed to the treatment and has paid for most of our third round, he comes to all the appointments but I just don't think he wanted to know the same level of detail that I did, after all their physical involvement is much less than ours! I'd leave the book lying around and put a post-it in for the must read bits.

    Have you tried to tell him how you feel? If he doesn't like talking perhaps a letter or email might be a better way to communicate your feelings and thoughts. Does your clinic offer counselling, it might help him to understand your thinking? Treatment was more emotionally draining than I'd expected so having a supportive other half would be helpful. Have you got friends and family you can be part of your support network? And of course there's this forum.

  • I ve made the decision not to tell anyone except very close friends and he agrees too. The families have been relentless in the pursuit of grandchildren i ve even had the 'you re not getting any younger' i m 29 years old.

    It use to hit me hard, but now that we re in the process i just shake it off laugh about it and say i still want my freedom for few years.

    This forum is my support and it helped so much.

  • Hello, great news about your referral paperwork you must be so happy, so sorry to hear you feel so alone though it must be tough on you not sharing the excitement x

  • I only told very close friends, so much pressure from the family already. They are relentless in their pursuit of grandchildren and it's just too much. I just tell everyone that we re thinking about it eventually.

  • Hello, I think it was me who recommended the book. So disappointing that your hubby won't read it (men can be so stubborn at times!). I was honestly surprised mine did but it made such a difference. I would try to encourage him a bit more and like pm27's suggestion about putting post-it notes in pertinent pages.

    I think men sometimes have a different way of dealing with things. Your husband seems to be adopting the 'head in the sand' approach. It must be frustrating but don't assume he doesn't care.

    Good luck when treatment starts. Counselling can be hugely beneficial. I actually went alone and found it made a big difference. It's good to speak to someone who doesn't judge and accepts your feelings as they are.

    Take care x

  • Thank you for that recommendation the book was fantastic i think you re right about the head in the sand everytime i try to open the subject the answer is i don t wanna talk about it. Few days ago i was cleaning the bathroom and found a pack of ovulation tests, very mixed feelings came ,i was sad that it just wont be natural, sorry for myself that i went through so much pressure and deception when i was trying and relief that it s all behind me and now i know sthg is wrong and i m proactive.

  • I can relate to that. Although I was excited to start IVF and so grateful it was an option for us I also felt a lot of sadness that it hadn't happened naturally x

  • Most men are just like that. I have a wonderful supporting husband BUT when it comes to showing an amount of excitement in paying thousands of dollars to maybe have a baby.... It's crickets. We just had a conversation today about the very thing. I have been through the mill. Almost 3 years of trying naturally, failed Clomid cycle and faile fresh IVF cycle. Now we are trying to take out another loan to pay for the FET and we for denied and so I just acted like a baby and saying "I guess we just don't have to do this," and his response...... Crickets again. Finally got an answer and it was take it or leave it. We as women want this self reassurance of them saying just the right thing at the right time. It never happens. It's never good enough. On the other side of relating to your feelings, I was actually a single mother for almost 8 years with my son who is now 12. It's tough. It's hellish. It's sad. It's something I wouldn't ever wish on my worst enemy. Watching your child go back and forth every week is like dealing with a death every single time. I can only relate to it like that.

    This whole fertility game is unfair!

  • I m sorry about the failed clomid and fresh IVF with the NHS here we don t realise how costly it is. I ve been looking to private clinique to take the fastest route it costs 7000Β£ and it s cheap compared to a couple who paid 10000Β£ in a different one of course the price is per cycle.

    I really hope the FET works for you.

    I think it's just matter of building your own support it s not easy as you don't wanna bore people with it but if the partner is not gonna change let s move on it a long and intens journey can t waste time trying to change him, just keep him the way he is till he decides it s time to show some involvement

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