At my wits end

[Outnumbered]

Son is 9.5 years, we have been seeing a specialist for 5 years now and seem to be making no progress, it's getting worse if anything. We have daily wetting and soiling accidents, the wetting I can cope with, as much as it drives me mad that he will happily sit and wee himself when he is at home with access to two toilets. The soiling however is getting worse and not only that, he is lying about it and refusing to clean himself up. It's now getting difficult for me to clean him due to his size and strength and we have no choice but to bin his underwear, a somewhat expensive habit. We have done everything the wee and poo doctor suggests, at our 3 monthly appointments my son will sit there smiling, nodding his head in agreement that he will sit on the toilet after breakfast and lunch for ten minutes. He has no intention at all. She believes him and the day after we are back to square one. He has a plan in place at school with the Senco and school nurse but having just gone up a year I'm not sure if his new teacher is aware of his need to be able to have unrestricted access to the toilet.

His attitude is horrendous, it's constant arguments, he refuses to do his homework, go to the activities we pay for. My husband believes he desperately needs a psychological assessment, the wee and poo dr has refused to refer to CAMHS. I honestly don't know where to go from here. Feel so alone and actually could walk right out of the house away from him and all this.

[Littlecabbage]

I have no useful advice I'm afraid but didn't want to read and run. This sounds so hard and I really feel for you. I know what you mean about getting frustrated with him. I often feel the same about my 6 year old son who wets himself daily.

Can your GP refer you to CAMHS? Doesn't sound an unreasonable request to me.

[Laundrymaid]

Hello Outnumbered,

I just wanted to say "hang in there kid!".

I have seen on this forum and experienced with my own child this kind of behaviour where children kind of mentally withdraw themselves from the situation and ignore the issues around it (like the soiling and accidents). Maybe for your son, as things aren't going well, he just has to pretend it is not happening in order to keep going - it's exhausting for him and you!

There are some amazing resources on this site so keep reading and looking around, but most of all take heart, you are not the only family in this situation.

I wish you and your family good health and happiness.

The Laundrymaid

[Georgina1475]

The only way I could get my son to sit and poo was to give him a distraction while on there plus a stool for his feet so he's sitting properly. He uses a Nintendo game thingy while sitting and it worked. He has to sit for 10 after school everyday without fail or he will soil. He has a plan like your son for in school so that he sits after lunch for 10 also as this helped. Mention it to school as they can't restrict toilet time in his case.

[Evala]

You have my sympathy,but that won't help! I was chatting to a medical friend the other day about my son, and she talked of other services in the NHS that aren't acute mental health which doesn't seem to deal with these issues. Maybe chat to your gp about needing another option, occupational therapy referral? The school nurse may know about that as well.

[Poppymum]

Hi, my daughters issues are different. Hers are just wetting not soiling. Daily though.

I can relate to the 'wits end'. I had a day like that today cos I'm now starting to potty train my 2 year old and I've got the older one ( 5 next month) still wetting daily and now a 2 year old wetting and soiling. The older one is just at school half days as she's just starting reception and this afternoon I phoned my husband in tears because I had two of them having accidents and felt like my whole afternoon was about wee ( and poo from the younger one). I also got scared that the little one may follow the older one and what if I had two incontinent daughters! Seriously, I was in tears.

I hope you have some light at the end of the tunnel soon.

I'm trying to focus on the amazing things my almost 5 year old can do ( cos she's bright in so many ways) but days like today where I'm just cleaning up after both of them it's hard.

[HEfamily]

Hi. I can sympathise because my daughter is almost 9 and has been under a specialist for 6 1/2 years now. Can I ask what medication he is on and how much? Only because we found that we weren't giving her enough and the wetting was due to pressure being put on her bladder. She also used to get frequent urine infections. Once we increased her doses (quite significantly) it made a big difference.

She now goes daily but only when prompted. She moans about that constantly and the only thing that works is playing her tablet whilst she is sat there.

We found that increasing the dose to the point where she was unable to hold it was enough to trigger her going to the toilet.

It's the hardest thing I have ever dealt with and I still can't see an end to it. I have shouted, cried, ignored, sympathised and nothing makes a difference.

She cries and says she hates it and wishes she wasn't like this but something in her brain just isn't syncing with her body.

[Lenkab]

Hi, my son has recently been diagnosed with a wheat intolerance, which has helped his situation massively. He is only 4 years old, but was doing all the things you describe with your son. I know that a lot of the posts on this site are about constipation, but many children have toilet issues due to milk/lactose intolerances or wheat intolerances too. We found a great paediatrician by luck who helped us, but it was a lot of perseverance with GPs, seeing other specialities, etc. I wish you all the best of luck.

[Hidden]

Dear outnumbered ,

I am so sorry for your distress which is so evident in your message .

I can empathise with how you feel , the desperation and feeling of being 'alone'

My 9 year old Grandson has suffered since he was 4 months old from constipation and this did impact on his bladder too as he got older but not to such a degree as your son but the constipation was very bad .

Like you my daughter sought help but you are left basically to just ' get on with it '

We found a good website called parents . com - dysfunctional constipation . The excercises it suggests we're very helpful and have been a partial solution to this distressing problem.

Also she has sought help from a homeopathic Dr and he has just started the remedy so we are very hopeful .

I do feel for you and your son and I wish you well in your endeavours to find the solution.

Don't give up ! He will thank you one day !