The past four years for me have been consumed with that E word and the pain and unrelentless fatigue. I have now however come to a stage that I realise that pain isn’t just going to go away and that what matters is putting myself first and making choices that are both what I want and also realistic with how I am feeling physically.
That said, the past year has been the toughest mountain to climb in terms of mental willpower and emotional strength. I don’t want to waste time even describing what occurred but what I will say is that meeting a doctor who told me that I don’t have endometriosis and that I don’t belong in an endometriosis category is something that is difficult to get over. Just because my symptoms are not textbook classic and my pain has proved persistent does not mean that I do not have it. It has been seen and removed twice along with countless cysts.
What hurts me the most is when I try to forget about the bad memories but seem to be hindered when I dream of past operations. I know I can pick myself up and keep going but the smallest thing can remind me of a traumatic incident since I started feeling the pain and subsequently being diagnosed. Even a noise like a beeping sound can immediately bring me back into an operating theatre and the trauma and upset is relived. Most of my operations were never that straight forward with most doctors saying that there was nothing wrong with me.
So sorry for my rant as I am aware that what I am writing might be all over the place but every day I hope that the bad memories of specific incidents especially of terrifying doctors I have met on the way will go away!
All I want is to cope with the pain and not let the fatigue win. I suppose time will tell if those memories of the past can be forgotten.