Endo, fertility problems and jealousy...

[Danny7]

Hi Ladies and gents, I’m “Danny”, a 43 year guy who’s been married for 10 years and is now faced with a problem X 3.

As the tile suggests, my wife has quite severe endometriosis and after 3 failed IVF cycles it is clear that this is also having a serious impact on my wife’s ability to bear a child. She is 38 and is getting desperate as the doctors say that viable eggs are running out ( one ovary is blocked by endo) and we have none frozen. There are also cultural pressures as Indians with large extended families. All the above is sad for her/us but I can accept that sometimes in life you get dealt a shitty hand however it is the third “problem” that has just,these evening, arose. My sister is pregnant again (1st IVF 11years after having her first kid). This should be a moment of joy but as the evening has worn on it has plunged my wife into a depressed, angry, state of mind which to my mind must be a form of jealousy. I’m trying to be compassionate and understand but she’s not having it and blaming our misfortune on things that have happened in the past ( misdemeanours real and percieved), questioning whether we are just bad luck together and generally all sorts of stuff that I think of as nonsense but I do understand that it hurts when ppl around you are fulfilling their wishes and you aren’t and that messes with your mind. Sorry if I’m rambling but the essence of all this is that I don’t really know how to handle it. One part of me doesn’t see the logic of seeing someone else, someone close being happy and getting unhappy about it. I know she wishes my sister well but I know that my wife will not want to see the bump, the baby shower, all the festivities to come because it will remind her of what she wants the most.

Any advice received is gratefully accepted as I love my wife and want to get my response right 🙏🏽

[Anongirl123]

Hi

I also come from a big Indian family everyone cousins etc who are all younger than me are having babies and I’m not. I also have endometriosis a blocked tube and a 9cm fibroid in my uterus.

The best we can do in life is deal with the cards we have been dealt. I have accepted my body may never hold a child my husband has come to terms with this as well. We plan to travel the world and just do everything we want having kids sometimes feels like the thing to do cos everyone is doing it but I have realised not everyone needs to have kids not everyone should have kids not everyone is meant to have kids there is so so much more to life and if it happens that you can not conceive that’s ok. Right now it’s on her mind all the time it’s consumed her. It would be good to seek some sort of therapy and this can affect mental health for you both. Not having kids is ok there is so so much more to life than being a parent but our society has just taught us this is the how it is but break away from that stereotype.

So get therapy for you both and ask yourself what life would be like if you didn’t have kids. It’s ok think of al the other things you could do. Sometimes we have to listen to our body and no means no. I have come to terms with this and actually look forward to the rest of mine seeing the world growing my business etc. Sorry if this was not what you wanted or needed to hear. Keep trying to your hearts content but listen to her body.

[hellybaybee in reply to Anongirl123]

I’m from a big Irish family and in a similar situation. We’ve been offered ivf but I think I’m a bit scared in case it doesn’t work so haven’t really done anything yet. To the man who asked the question I would say that the advice above is spot on. I’m not sure what misdemeanours you’re talking about but endometriosis can affect any woman really and there can be hereditary factors. I think a bit of compassion, maybe some research and councilling can only be a good thing.

[NDE1987]

Hi there, I am sorry to hear that your having a tough time. I myself can relate to the big Indian family! I have been trying to have a baby for 3 years, and also an endo suffer. Although I try and keep positive I feel at the back of my mind we wont be able to have kids. But I still remain to have hope and faith in God. Trust me when I say this my husband and I both have argued over the same thing, my sister had a baby right when we had our failed ivf. It was tough trying to put on a happy face. But my husband and I love being an uncle and aunt to our little neice, we literally love her as if she was our own. We have coped at managing things better. It does get a little bit easier but the pain of the uncertainty of the future is still there. We have had baby showers, paaths, and all the other things that come with a new addition into the family. I have started being a bit more open about our situation to people around us. I feel our culture dosent understand or get it. To give you some hope, my cousin has endo and her right tube was blocked and she was told she will never have kids naturally. Her first was born by ivf and there second baby a complete surprise all natural. So please keep hopeful. Have you considered doner eggs? I know this can be a touchy subject but it maybe be something you might want to look at. Right now just be there for your wife. She is hurting, she wants to be able to provide you with a baby and feels like her body is the reason it's not happening, us women end up hating our body's. But like my husband always reminds me, I never choose endometriosis it chose me and it's one of those things we can't change. We just have to make the most of the shitty card we have been dealt with. If you wife wanted to chat were all here. There is another forum on this site ed fertility which she can talk to other women in the same position as her. Good luck. Neesha.

[Lizzielizzielizzie]

This is a totally normal response from your wife. She/you might like to join us infertile people on the fertility network UK site to see how others cope with similar situations.

I would totally recommend counselling which your ivf clinic should be offering. You can go together or separately.

I think you need to allow her to be jealous and protect her from scan pictures/lots of talk about the pregnancy etc. In my experience, it’s much easier to cope once the baby arrives but it’s really hard to see another person’s pregnancy progress. Support her in being able to avoid family gatherings or attend for minimal times if possible, ie book to go on holiday at the time of the baby shower or whatever. At this stage maybe all you need to do is let her know that, whilst you will be wanting to keep in close touch with your sister whilst she is pregnant, you will support your wife if she feels the need to keep a distance if she needs to.

Emotions are an enormous rollercoaster when it comes to women not being able to have children and you might find your wife is very changeable in what she thinks about this pregnancy. Try to validate all her feelings and let her know you still love and want her despite the difficulties. Also let her know that you think it is a joint problem but there is a medical reason behind it, remind her that it’s not magic or fate and nothing to do with not being meant to be together.

Finally, explore other options for having a family together. Taking action always makes me feel better, it’s the being stuck between cycles without a plan that really gets me down.

[Auntyp62]

My daughter was the same, she backed away from any one pregnant and lost lots of friends. Unfortunately all young mums naturally want to talk about is their baby and the hurt is great. 8 years later after very deep depression she has become the best aunt to nieces and nephews who she loves greatly.

[Danny7]

Thank you all very much for you responses and your advice. It has been very helpful to see things from different angles.