My last post was discarded when i opened the camera app and the page restrarted... Opa, try again.
6 years ago i made a TBI and stroke. With great effort and determination, and a few words had, unbeknownst to me, i was out of rehab in 3 months.
Out of the frying pan, into the fire, as goes the proverbial. Back with my friends, I felt as if I was a hazard with legs. I just wanted to be cool and one of the gang again so i started smoking fags and weed sometimes. This just made me even more of a danger and a responsibility to them, and being oh so english and polite, none of them gave it to me straight.
After a while of breaking my back worrying about being around people and trying to make friends, i gave up. One of the highly affected zones of my mental capacity was relation with people. I didnt know how to cough up anything i wanted to say, and i spent all my energy worrying about what others think about what i do or say, so i was never relaxed!
I spent a long time at home, in my room, as a recluse. I still had to see the others i lived with, but not without gritting my teeth and furrowing my brow. I adopted some antisocial habits, such as masturbating as a means to withdraw from everyone (sort of like a statement that i dont need or want anybody, i think), and foul moods in which i was unapproachable (my response to the closed wall which was everybody, especially family).
This went on for a long time, trapped in my small mind. Mind you, it wasn't all bad. I am a lot of fun for myself, by myself! But i still felt this gaping chasm that was other people in my heart and in my life. So, i set off to different places around the world, looking for honest, sympathetic people, but to no avail!
Its not that i didnt find such people, but that i was too closed in my little box of a head to be aware of anybody else, and i felt all the time like there was this subtle, fundamental piece of the puzzle that i was missing, and even the miserable folk had it and could relate to other people. I was (still am, a little) like the kid who, left out of an adult conversation, desperately wanted to be included.
In both my eyes there is a large blind spot to the side. In my relating to people, as a group, there is a large blind spot to the side. In independent action, planning and impetus to make any move, there is a large blind spot to the side.
Last year i was living abroad but still struggling with little me and his problems. So i set off to india and met with my father to attend some talks of a renowned teacher and have a nice holiday. My plan from the start was, after my dad got his return flight, i would be free and alone and independent in the miraculous land of the heart, India.... Six months on my visa, stupid amounts of money for india (thank you, taxpayers), and a brain that cant see further behind or beyond than yesterday and tomorrow. And i trusted that if my money or communications were to be lost, i was in goOd hands. Freedom.
Dun dun dun! Corona f*cking virus!! My parents, as usual, are fretting about their little slow child who is planning to stay abroad amid the time of CRISIS! I knew i would be just fine if i stayed, such was my trust, but a little unsure of how i would be if i were to return, such was my distrust.
My plans were undettered, although i heard that a lot of family would join us to outlast the quarantine. That is, until i watched Will Smith's Seven Pounds on the hotel TV. This inspired me to think deeply on selfish or selfless action. I reasoned that my family needed me, even if I didn't need them. So i just about managed to nab a ticket, from the last few days before india's quarantine, back home.
I have run a bit astray, so I will endeavour to be more concise from here on.
Back with family now, there is quite the little tribe of us clanging our pots and pans together. This was a very special time, to be with family while they are unburdened of work and together in such numbers for such a span of days. Other than that it was a bit gruelling to come back home to everyone and everything that i am used to...
The first quarantine had ended, and I had just been meeting up with a few of my old friends. This was very nice because immediately i felt the benefit to my confidence of letting go of the scorn of them, and what's more, i even remained quite confident with strangers and in groups, whereas before i would sink into the oblivion of my social blindness in response to these situations. Calm, even if i said or did something unprotocol!
What a freedom! That box is ticked! Hello, world outside!....
Not so fast, sonny-jim. I am still now struggling with initiation, although i have had a few bright ideas to enter the world again. I feel that i need it to be some distance from family and the haunting of the strings that i fear that they can pull. And this covid business is taking a dump right on my availability for change!
All i want is to be over this period, so that i can get on with it and share my love with the world that i have been accumulating in the store house. But i have the feeling that i cant, or dont want to, do this while i still have any ties to family, for they all know me as the small-me, and fit me into this box. And still they intrude on me with their unwelcome, impure curiosity. My therapist was advising me to allow the flow of the energy of F*CK OFF!!! Haha.
But maybe this being closed to family might be a hurdle i must vault, to make my way outside to my very own life. The kind-of-plan or secret wish of mine is to bust out, go through a bunch of stuff alone, without them, then return many years later to let my family really see me. This sounds like a fairy tale. I wouldn't be surprised to find out that everyone knew all along, and they're just egging me on 'til i do it.... Or maybe they're trying to crack me open here, and then they will let me out of the spider's web.
I don't know, I don't care. I just feel like i should be gliding on my own wings now, and some tendency to stagnate, or perhaps a witch's curse, is tying me down, still. But for now i will just try and enjoy my time, wherever i am or am not, and remain as authentic as the mountain inside, even if i can't express it through all the snow!
Thank you so much for reading my nonsense. I welcome any feedback, and if you are another one who is stuck in some strange limbo, or you have anything to say, i would love to hear from you.
From a storehouse of love,
C
