hi
htis is a v good Ken Dodd joke which i hope he does notmindme liftign fr u a;;
A woman has her snglasses on her head
why/
cos she has had so many botox jobs hta tis where they r !
But it is better than hte dr dr jokes In doctrors surgery:
1 dr dr i think i am a pair of curtains
Be quiet and pull yourself together
2 dr dr i think i am a dog
lets get you on the couch and i can examine u
But i am not allowed on the couch!
i dont tell em well any more
love jill and of course a 
Two fish in a tank.....and one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?" 
Two parrots on a perch...and one says "hey can you smell fish?"
GREAT JILL - KEEP THEM COMING XX
Hi Jill, Nice to see this joke thing taking off, very funny
Al
Hi sl
hope it makes you feel more human?
i have just bought from amazon (my 1st purchase) a clockwork dog for my dad for his 90th birthday
1 of hte ladies,{ in he r70s. adn now livign on her own} at the parkinsons meeting yesterday was given a cat and dog for company foor xmas from her children -clockwork of course
(not a joke serious)
he will love it!
jill
Three women talking of there husbands performance as lovers. First says "My husband is a marriage counsellor and brings me flowers and chocolates before we make love, and I like that" The second says "My husband is a dock labourer, and some times plays rough and slaps me around, I like that" Third one comments " My husband works for Microsoft. He sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how good it's going to be when I get it"
Two cows in a field.....1st cow.."Moooooooooooooooooo!"...2nd cow..."Hey I was gonna say that!"
Brain Transplant
A patient needed a brain transplant and the doctor told the family, "Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.
"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000," replied the doctor.
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood.
But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"
"Standard pricing practice," said the doctor.
"Women's brains have to be marked down because they've actually been used."
LOL
what do u call a man with a seagull on his head ........ cliff
my wife said i reminded her of the sea i said what wild and untamed.....she said no you make me sick
what do you call an indian karaoke singer ........gerupta singh
i played snooker with my russian friend today they call him inoff the red
One for the British members I suspect...
Three men go into a coffee shop. A banker, a Daily Mail reader and a Disability Benefits claimant. They order coffee and are given a plate with 12 biscuits on.
The banker takes 11 and then says to the Daily mail reader, "Watch out, that welfare scrounger is after your biscuit."
PARAPROSDOKIANS: (Winston Churchill loved them)
Here is the definition:
"Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is
surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."
"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.
1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed
to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train
stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of
emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to
skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit
the target.
23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in
a garage makes you a car.
26. Where there's a will, there's relatives.
>I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
> >>
> >The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did .... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
> >
> >Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
> >
> >My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd
> >better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
> >
> >Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It provides me with everything I need - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.
> >
> >Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."
> >
> >The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
> >
> >A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
> >
> >I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
> >
> >My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
> >
> >I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name.
> >
> >There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center, butthey threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of the bomber jackets.
> >
> >The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway
A guide for newly diagnosed - feedback please
The Other Day
