Haven't posted in a while or been out jog/walking, I am suffering from depression, can't get my head round it, I am normally such a strong person, always been able to take what life throws at me as most of you are older members on HU know. It suddenly hit me very hard and been on medication just over a week now and there have been some really bad days. As I always say hey Ho I'll get through, it hubby being absolute brick at the moment. I feel such a failure. I have a holiday coming up in a couple of weeks, maybe that will help.

18 Replies

  • Oh Pat sorry to hear that. Please don't feel a failure - you wouldn't if you had hurt your leg or had the flu. Im guessing it's because you don't feel in control of your body. You have always been an inspiration to many on here over the years and I'm sure all your HU and C25k friends will be here anytime you need to talk. you and your husband are a strong team and he'll be a great support to you just now. Sorry can't be more helpful but sending you all my best wishes and hugs Rona

  • You have been through a lot these last couple of years Pat and things do take their toll. I am so sorry to hear you are depressed and hope the medication starts to support you to feel better in the next couple of weeks. Holidays can help too and I know you usually go for a few run/walks when you are on holiday so hopefully everything combined will mean there is a shift soon. In the meantime be kind to yourself and know that your pals here are thinking of you and wishing you well. Big hug xx

  • That sounds really rough... there was someone else posting recently about this.

    I hope that you're on a waiting list for some talking therapy in addition to the medication. Great to hear you have support from the person who matters most in these situations, it does make a very hard thing a bit less hard if they understand. I hope the change of scenery helps and naturally gets you in the fresh air and more active and hopeful.

    Please note your graduate badge next to your name. No matter how depressed you get, and even if you never run another step, you'll always have that - you did it. You are not a failure.

  • Good for you for going on the meds instead of trying to "tough it out". You run, so you're on the best natural antidepressant (so I hear, anyway, and it feels like it), and if that's not working, the sensible thing to do is get meds to help you steady yourself before it gets worse.

    We're complex systems (in one view), and our subsystems interact in strange ways sometimes. Sometimes I find myself thinking dark thoughts, and then realise I'm just tired, for instance (as an example of "everyday depression", that's all). Your situation is likely to be more complicated than that, but it's driven by similar underlying processes. The thing to remind yourself of, whatever those processes are, is that it's something in your physiology. It's "physical" most of the time. It's your body that gets depressed, not your personality, your being, and the things that make up your sense of self-worth.

    So try as best you can not to do things like making it worse than blaming it all on your being a "failure". It's far more likely to be something like your flesh mourning the loss of some precious weight, or something like that. There's a sense in which your "body" is almost a different "person" to you, and if it gets "unhappy" it can only express that by making you unhappy.

    Without even going into the reasons that assemble themselves to rationalise your unexpected feelings of sadness, how about starting with refusing to accept that there are people who are "failures". Not you, not even that other someone you would have previously been inclined to write off. In fact it might be easier to start by taking stock of the list of "failures" (other people, now) that you have written off before, and trying to restore them to some dignity. Examine the values that go into that critically. Any value you have that leads you to write off someone else can blow up in your hands and write you off. Not good. You want as few of those as you can manage.

    No it's not going to help with the depression much. Not directly. For that you need to take your meds, and make yourself keep running. All this is, is trying to think of ways of dealing with the Consequences of depression. (Like calling yourself bad names). If you try to reason about your own non-failure (and of course you're not a failure), you get stuck inside yourself. If you work on reversing your appraisal of some other person you probably have good reason to label a "failure", you're at least working outside of yourself, which I would think is the best place to have your attention directed when you're down (either in the everyday or the clinical sense, here).

    I hope you get yourself back on a nice even keel soon, anyway. The good news is it never lasts forever.

  • Sorry to hear that pat , you are certainly not a failure !! Give the medication time to work and look after yourself although it sounds like your hubby is doing that also :D

    There can be many reasons for depression and it can strike anyone at any time ....

    Hopefully your holiday will give you a new perspective and help on your way to feeling better .

  • Depression is a horrible thing - speaking from experience here. At the moment all you can do is hang on in, keep taking the meds and try to let your husband support you as much as he can. It's hard to let anyone in with depression but he sounds ace.

    It WILL get better but it can be a long old road. Be as kind to yourself as can (I know, it's almost impossible to see any good in yourself but it's still there, I promise).

    Sending big hugs xxx

  • Hi Pat, it was lovely to see your name appear amongst the posts and I'm sorry things aren't quite as you'd like at the moment. I can't really help but to say I hope things get better soon for you and please do keep writing here and let us know how you're getting on.

  • Hey, you're not a failure - just not well.

    Depression is terrible and hard to climb out of but you're not alone, consider Stephen Fry, JK Rowling, Brooke Shields, Woody Allen etc etc I don't think anyone would consider them to be failures and neither are you.

  • So sorry to hear that you're feeling down. It will probably be a passing thing and you will feel better soon. I agree that a holiday will probably help you. Taking yourself off to a new place will hopefully shrug off the blues.

    Take your running togs with you. You might find the perfect place for a spot of jogging. Even walking, and sightseeing, is a refreshing change

    I hope you come back refreshed and your equilibrium restored. Have a lovely time x

  • Oh Pat, I can hear it in your post. Depression is such a tough thing to deal with, it saps all your energy and enthusiasm. The very thing that can help you through it is the very thing you can't face doing. But please try and get out for a walk at least, if only to give you time to think and hopefully lift you just a little.

    No-one likes taking meds but they really can help and talking therapy is also an excellent way to get you back on the way to recovery. Doesn't have to be official, I spent many, many hours bending the ear of a really good and patient friend who just listened, until I'd talked myself dry, which was such a huge help to me.

    At least you have recognised what is happening. Now just allow yourself time to heal the same as you would if you had a physical injury. We're always here if you need us and we send you love and support.

  • I can't tell you that I know what you're going through or how you're feeling but I do know the impact depression can have on individuals as my husband suffers from it. I think the worst part for everyone is that there's little or no warning of it coming on or indeed lifting again. I do know that its nothing you've done so you are most definately not a failure. Hey. You've recognised what is & you're doing something about it. How many others out there suffer from the same thing & never actually know it??

    Things WILL get better. Keep posting on here & try to enjoy the holiday.

    Sending my virtual support & best wishes to you. X

  • Oh Pat , massive hugs for you ((( )))

    You are NOT a failiure , you are ill ! Depression is a terrible illness, it can strike without warning, rhyme or reason and can happen to anyone .

    I have suffered this in the past during a particularly bad time in my life . With hindsight , I was very lucky in that I managed to see a counsellor. At the time , I thought there was absolutely no way on this earth that I would go and sit in a room and discuss how I felt with a complete stranger. The first time I saw her , I could barely lift my head up from the floor and could barely string a sentence together . I was going to leave that room and never go back, but I did go back many times and it really helped me .

    I don't know how you feel about seeing one and I know that there is a long waiting list , and I know its not for everyone , but just a suggestion .

    I hope your holiday lifts your spirit Pat. A change of scenery and routine and maybe a nice walk, or a gentle jog. I am so glad that you have your husband to support you . If you feel up to it, please keep posting on here . No one is judging you , we just want to do our bit if we can to try and make you feel that bit better .

    Sending you lots of love , be kind to yourself xxx

  • You are never, ever a failure.

    It will take a while for the medication to kick in. I was the support mechanism for my husband a couple of years ago, and he truly felt he would never see the end of the dark tunnel. But we did it together and faced life through new eyes. Keep trying to get fresh air, running is great for that as people won't stop you in the street to speak to you! This was what my hubby found really hard, well-meaning people asking him why he wasn't at work ( to the extent that we borrowed a dog!)

    You will get through ....use your GP and all the support offered. Let people help you, and above all try to talk

    Lots of love xx

  • Sorry to hear you're down Pat. You have been a tough couple of years and it is no surprise it has caught up with you. Seems ot happen just when you can ease up a bit. Often the hardest thing is to recognise you need help and then asking it for it so well done for doing that. As you know the meds take a while but should help, and hopefully some talking too. Are you not jogging/walking for health reasons, otherwise I'd say just go round the block - it's a start and sometimes the structure helps. Let us know how it goes - sending you lots of hugs. Linda x

  • Oh Pat - so sorry to hear you are feeling wretched. Perhaps on your holiday you can find a nice spot to take a walk - exercise can often be a real help. Take care - hope it passes soon x

  • Big big hugs Pat. Failure? Never!! You will get through this. Just hang on in there, take the meds and accept what ever help you're offered. Things will get better and your running shoes will still be waiting for you when you're ready to put them on again. Take care xx

  • I am so sorry to hear this, I do hope you feel better soon, I have battled depression for years its an awful thing to cope with. I'm also a mental health nurse so I do understand how bad it can get.

    I know its hard but try and get out there and get some exercise it really does help although its hard when you just dont feel like it.

    You are not a failure in anyway shape or form its a chemical imbalance in your brain.

    Glad your hubby is taking care of you and hopefully your holiday will help.

    Take care if your self

  • Depression is nothing to do with strength or lack of it. Blaming yourself for it is actually a sympton of the depression itself. It is easy to try and say not to do that but of course, when your in the middle of it, it is not easy at all. If it was, then well - you wouldn't be suffering depression.

    Same for feeling a failure. That is the depression speaking. Of course you are not a failure, it is not something that you had control of or a hand in bringing upon yourself. It just happens - to lots more people than you would imagine. Again, you will come to realise that in time and with help.

    I am no expert but if you can manage some running or other exercise - especially if you can get your lovely fella out with you too - it can help relieve some of the darker feelings.

    Just getting out of the routine can be a real tonic - but don't add to the stress load you are already under. It should be something light that you want to do rather than have to do.

    Good luck and keep posting. Talking about it really helps. Depression can be such a taboo subject which is very silly. Even Batman has suffered it in his previous life.

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