Couch to 5K
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I planned to run ten miles today. I even limited my martini intake to just 2 last night, to ensure I was in good shape physically as well as mentally. Work has been a giant let down and I am being laid off next week cos the geezer who hired me has run out of money!! What a total plonker. I should have had work until next Feb. Oh the joys of being a freelancer in the business we call "show"!

Anyway, I got up at 8:30am and had a glass of cranberry juice and 4 dates. That's all I fancied really and I was ready for the off. I told Mrs Dan I would be away for roughly two hours. I don't take my phone with me anymore because recently I got myself a new one and its f***ing huge and I'm afraid of it getting knocked or something stupid. So with some tissues, bag of emergency dates and a bottle of diluted cranberry juice I was off.

I dealt with the first giant of a hill (the infamous Nightingale Lane in Richmond) with comparative ease and duly had a rest at the top to get my heart rate back to normal. It was just after 9am and few peeps were out so it was just the river, the sun and me for the first three K. Reached Richmond Park and turned left to do a clockwise circuit of the giant park. The end of the parkrun which I've done a few times, was in full flight and I ran against the finishers running exhausted towards the finish line. I kept left and settled in to my 10 mile rhythm - a slowish plodette.

The sun was heating up pretty quickly and I began to sweat like a horse after 4K. At 5K I was going to stop for a rest at the water fountain and slosh some water over my head to cool down. This I did and it felt lovely having the cold water cool my loaf of bread down. After a short rest I was off again. I really do like these complete STOPS because it gives me a chance to recover and mentally get set for the next section. I was doing really well, stopping every so often, looking at the ponies and horses trekking through the park, smiling "hello" at the unfriendly runners. It was a good day to be out and getting some nature!

Devil Hill was the next challenge and boy did it screw me over. I ran up 75% of it, but had to admit defeat and walk the rest of the way, as I had completed around 7 or 8K at this point and was feeling the tiniest bit tired. Bit I was in good mental shape and once I got my heart rate to a less frightening rhythm I set off again. It was at this point that another runner came up Devils Hill. He was going slow, but he WAS running - more than I could have done just a few moments earlier. Not only that but he had a rucksack on his back which I surmised must be full of bricks or something. He was sweating massively and grimacing as he hauled his load along. I did my best to keep up with him and eventually passed him. My payload of tissues, dates and a now half full water bottle was nothing compared to his and I managed to expunge just energy to pass and get ahead. Before me lay a long downhill section - this is always the fastest part of the course and apart from some really annoying walkers all with those ski pole walking canes, three abreast and filling up the entire path, I whizzed down to the bottom having yelled at them on my way past "COMING THROUGH!!!" Hahaha!!

I rested at the bottom once again and I looked up. Blow me down!! The Terminator was coming past with his knapsack full of bricks and he hoofed past me. I had to admit, this guy was some fit dude. Probably ex army or something. I tried to catch him up again once I'd started but to no avail. He was away and disappeared into the distance.

By now it was 13K and I was knackered. Still 2K to go but it felt like a 100K. It was all I could do to complete the 16K and when my garmin beeped I breathed a massive sigh of relief! I "walked" stiffly home the final K and got in the door to a worried looking Mrs Dan - "I was getting worried" she said. "You said you'd be two hours. It's been two and a half!" I realised not having my phone with me must've caused the slight worry on her part. She soon got over it though and laughed at my waddle through the house! My arse and ankles were so damned sore!

40 minutes in the jacuzzi soon made me feel better. This was followed by a fried egg sandwich and suddenly all seemed well with the world.

1 hour and 40 minutes dead. Running time that is. Not including my stops. I am definitely not a lover of long distances and am mulling over whether I should stick to more manageable 10Ks in the future? Not sure. Once my arse stops aching I'm sure everything will seem a lot easier!!!

Thanks for reading

yer pal


11 Replies

Very entertaining and vivid account of the adventures those who stay infected with running fever can ... er ... look forward to? ... somewhere further on, over hill and dale, yonder.


Oh Dan that's an amazing distance to run. Really well done. Sorry to hear about the job but on the good side I guess it means you'll have more time for running and posting here! I reckon that Terminator with the bricks was Rignold. He's always running around with bricks.

Methinks you might need more than a fried egg sandwich though. Bet you'll be eating all night after running that!


Blimey Dan, I feel exhausted just reading that epic. Well done on an massive effort on a hot hot day. Fried egg sandwiches really are the biz and now you've mentioned them, I'll be craving one. Can't wait for tomorrow's breakfast!! ;)


I think he had a bag of feathers but fluffed them up to look like bricks. So he looked 'ard guv'. Or a bottle of really cold water to put you off the plot.


1'40" is a pretty respectable time for 10 miles, dude. Well done.

I occasionally run wearing a weight vest that simulates the weight I have lost since I started this endeavour. It is a brutal adition to a run, but very effective. I have done OCRs though where I have been gasping and floundering in the mud and some young buck whizzes past me in a 30kg vest looking like they are out for a stroll. But **** 'em. Youth, strength and muscles are no substitute for experience, wit and um... a well tailored suit.


Wow - sounds brilliant ☺

I was in London today and it was bloomin hot with no wind so you must have been totally knackered!!!!


Fried egg sandwich!! Worth every step of the run.


That's a great distance and time Dan, but just think what you could do with more than 4 dates inside you! Personally, I love a 10k, they just seem to slot in to life quite easily x :-)


Well done that sounds like a fabulous run and a good time too... Hope the arse is feeling a bit better today?!!!


Oh Dan that is a steaming pile of sh1te about the job. I remember you said they were spending like there was no tomorrow.

Well done on a big run in that heat though, you are smashing those 10 milers now.

Who knew that 'terminator' was a HU tag??


Sorry to hear about the job....moron! What sort of business does he run where he runs out of money!

Congratulations on the distance it's a belter of a distance!

Here's hoping you'll give it another go xxx


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