How to deal with the staring?

[marmalade18]

Anyone else here get stared at in public when you go out? If so, how do you deal with it and learn to cope? I always end up getting quite angry which isn’t healthy

[Dunnock]

Hi @marmalade18, Sometimes smiling at someone completely disarms them and they're forced to smile back. Or maybe turn your back on them, if you can. Staring back and then looking around as if to indicate you're trying to figure out who they're staring at? I'm sorry you're going through this. People can be very cow-like.

[marmalade18 in reply to Dunnock]

Thanks for the advice! I often feel though that the most staring happens when people are just walking past me - they just look for too long and you can see their heads turn to look for just a little longer! I’m finding it hard to find ways to deal with this, since you can’t confront/interact with the person

[Candidchameleon in reply to marmalade18]

I understand; have you tried pre-emptively giving them eye contact and saying "Hi, how are you?" to detract away from the stares and let them engage by speaking with you instead?

[marmalade18 in reply to Candidchameleon]

Yes that sounds like a good idea, thank you. I’ll definitely try working on this (will take some work to stop looking down all the time)

[Candidchameleon in reply to marmalade18]

Great. Let us know how you get on 🙂

[571971 in reply to marmalade18]

The second look!!! I know that’s gutting

[Hidden]

Hi marmalade18, I've experienced this a lot and it can be difficult to deal with. It has caused me to feel low about how I look, therefore chipped away at my confidence. The thing is I shouldn't let people have such power over me just because they stare. I've always let people stare and try and not let it bother me. I do smile at people who stare and that can change the situation in a good way. People with facial disfigurements should unfortunately expect to be started at, it's normal behaviour to stare at something or someone that looks different to what they're used to seeing. I try and understand things from their point of view. The more relaxed and understanding you are towards others the better it will be for you. Most people don't understand what they're doing or how much it affects us. Being understanding and relaxed about it is difficult and takes practice. I really do understand what you're going through, and it's not nice. You're not alone.

[Candidchameleon in reply to Hidden]

It sounds like you have been through a lot Hidden ; hope you're doing okay and have support there 😘. Great to hear smiling at the people who stare helps you, it's a great technique for sure! It's true we are unique and just like a bright purple Mohican or a body covered in piercings or tattoos, the curiousness gets the better of us all and we have to look. Some don't do it respectfully and discretely though, unfortunately, but I've found that if I look at them, the starers do turn away and I think they become mindful of what they've done, especially given we're not attempting to attract stares, unlike the artists who do attract and like it.

[Candidchameleon]

I agree with Hidden and Dunnock , smile and it's hard for others to not smile with/at you

[Birdie12345]

It depends where I am.

Sometimes I wave at them.

Or ask do I know you only you are staring at me.

Or stare back.or ignore.

Xxxxx

[JuneJuly]

I get stared at too. I like the idea of smiling back but I don’t think I do. I get more annoyed about people thinking it’s ok to point you out to other people. That’s when they get a reaction from me. Its normally along the lines of “ you really are old enough to know better” and just walking off and leaving that thought with them!! I realise this wouldn’t work for all and there are some people I wouldn’t confront but it makes me feel better if they realise how they have made me feel.

[marmalade18 in reply to JuneJuly]

That sounds like a very mature response. I’m ashamed to say I’ve given people the middle finger in the past, but I’m working on being less hostile, lol

[Maire78]

This happens to me every time I go out and its getting to the point where I just don't want to leave my home, I'm fed up walking with my head down but I never thought to smile back at people and I'd be too nervous to pull someone up on their behaviour, I'm still trying to overcome this and I hope that you will too, I'm going to try smiling back and see where that goes

[marmalade18 in reply to Maire78]

Hi Maire, can confirm it is scary but today I tried making eye contact with people first and smiling, I think it helped people realise they were staring (because most people do it out of curiosity) and I got a few smiles back! Definitely draining the first time around but hopefully it’ll get easier for both of us

[Candidchameleon in reply to marmalade18]

Good on yer marmalade18 ; it really helps build a positive connection beyond our differences 🥰

[AlwaysSmiling Community Ambassador]

Hi marmalade18, I also get stared at and over the years I've had many different ways of responding. I guess it's about finding which way works best for you.

When I was younger I remember sticking my tongue out at people or pulling some kind of silly face because I didn't fully understand why I was being stared at. Of course now I look back and realise that this was probably not the best way to deal with it! After all, a lot of the time staring is done out of curiosity rather than rudeness. Sometimes people may not even realise they are staring.

Then I went through a phase of just ignoring it because I thought that those people were not worth my attention. This didn't really help me face the problem though and eventually I could not ignore it anymore although some people are able to.

These days I just smile! I know it is an uncomfortable situation and sometimes it can make you angry and feel like you want to say something to them, but I realised that I may as well just be pleasant. In the end, all I want people to know is that I am "normal" just like them and I feel that smiling is the best way to do that. Often people will smile back or just look away because they see that you've acknowledged them. If they continue to stare then I just move on with my day. It has taken me a while to get to this point but I feel much better in those situations now because I know that I'm dealing with it in a polite way.

[Bunty2021]

Hello! Just joined this forum & was looking at posts & came across yours which resonates. I get stared at every time I go out & have adopted a range of tactics over the years..ranging from sticking my tongue out when I was little, to glaring, smiling, staring people out..all sorts of things! In more recent years I’ve realised I generally notice people staring as I’m looking out for it..so these days generally just don’t look at people, so I don’t notice! That doesn’t mean holding my head down or anything, but usually holding my head high & focussing on where I’m going rather than the people around me. That said, it doesn’t always work & sometimes you can just feel someone staring & can’t help but look back. Sometimes I smile & get a smile back, other times people look really mean when staring..as if they hate me, that’s when it gets to me & I find it tiring to deal with & don’t get it!

[CarolinChangingFaces Partner in reply to Bunty2021]

Hi Bunty2021 and Welcome to the Changing Faces community! Thank you for your post and for sharing your experiences here. I am glad you have found techniques that are helpful in coping with other’s reactions, and I am sorry that sometimes you are left feeling tired and confused as to why some people react the way they do. It sounds difficult for you, and I am sure others in this community can relate to those feelings. I hope you feel supported here and know that you are not alone. Take Care - Caroline.

[571971]

First realise it takes very little to attract stares in the first place. A normal plaster stuck across the cheek will guarantee stares. A guy I know who is a bouncer standing out side a night club , gets stared at because he is just standing there . So reason why they are staring is because they are thinking ‘hang on , what’s up’ . To understand this fundamental point is key to managing your reaction. So it doesn’t really matter, also people looking have no idea how many people are looking anyway so it’s not like you being regarded as a circus freak or anything . Key is dressing to the max and ‘owning it attitude’ that will see you through.

I have facial paralysis (botched surgery to ear), treacher colins syndrome and a face full of scars.

But life is good. Be happy and people will be happy with you

[CarolinChangingFaces Partner in reply to 571971]

Hi 571971 and welcome to the Changing Faces community! Thank you for your post, it’s interesting to hear about others experiences when out in the community. Like you said curiosity can be a big reason as to why people stare. You sound like you have found an approach that works for you, and I hope you find this is a good space to connect with others and share more about your experiences. Take Care – Caroline.