treading on eggshells

[anxiousandexhausted]

For many years now I have lived with my mother after losing my father to a mental illness. At the time of my father it was hard coping with his nasty vindictive behaviour and vile remarks but we got through as a family. Many years down the line I find myself in the same position with my mother. nothing I seem to do is right shes always picking fault and pulls me to pieces infront of everyone, doctors friends family members. shes accuses me all the time and blames me for everything. she asks my opionion and then slags me off and spits venom. some days she dosent know what shes doing but all I get is nasty remarks, I try to help but get shouted at when I do. I have tried to approach the subject about her memory loss and confusion and even mentioned it in front of the doctors when I have been there with her, but nothing other than her turn really nasty at me and accusing me of all sorts. the only time shes happy is when im sat in my chair in the living room and shes sat in hers with no one else around. if I go out or do anything that I want she attacks me verbally and hides my stuff only to get another onslaught of verbal abuse when I do trace my belongings. she dosent like people phoning the house or coming around and moans about everything, never happy. I am at my wits end as have asked my brothers for help only to be told they not interested. I dread every morning because its the same where I get up and she starts having a go at me about everything that's wrong in the house. I try to do things like my washing and she sits there making snide remarks under her breath and then coughing when I look at her. what do I do.

[Hidden]

You do not have to put up with this behaviour. Go and see the doctor by yourself and tel him how things are and arrange for your mother to have dementia testing. Ask for a visit from a social worker too. Then arrange to go away for a couple of weeks and tell your brothers that your mum is all theirs while you are gone. I think by the time you get back they will have realised what you are putting up with and between you all you can arrange the next step. If they don't you must seriously consider moving out. You have a life too.

[sassy59]

I agree with exhaustedwife that you need to see the GP on your own. In fact I’m shocked that nothing has been done to help you considering your mother isn’t kind to you even when the doctors there.

Dementia testing is essential and I'm sorry, but your brothers really do have to step up and do something. Your mother is also their mother.

Good luck to you. Xxxxx

[Vonnieruth in reply to sassy59]

Have you been appointed a social worker I know it's hard and mums do take it out on the ones who do most for them Even if mum does have dementia I guess she is early stages She probably is scared As advised ask doctor to talk to you and mum Maybe arrange a visit from memory clinic for you who will do simple tests and score mum on her response There are tablets what can help to slow process of memory loss down Maybe a prn would help when she is unsettled I work in a residential home with 56 residents all different stages of dementia You need help and support from professional You may have to push for it so be prepared

[MAS_Nurse]

Hi there,

Welcome to our supportive community. As you have found folks here are only too willing to come alongside you and share from their personal journeys and experiences.

You are obviously having a difficult time right now and I support the advice you have been given to discuss your mum's situation with her GP and to ask for a dementia assessment and a social service referral. You need help and you should not have to be coping with all of this on your own. It's always tricky with family members, sometimes they just really disappoint us in not accepting any responsibility to help with loved ones. It's easy when one member picks up the tab, and the others think they're let off the hook! I've been there, and got the T-shirt! You have been amazing to have carried on for so long. But now you need professional help to support you. Also, check out local dementia day care centres and respite facilities, you and your mum need a break from each other. It is painful and hurts when they say unkind and nasty things, and it's hard not to think that they really mean it. But unfortunately, with dementia, they can behave and say things out of character and are often unaware of what they are saying, and the impact it has on the ones whom they most need to support them.

Here are some links for you to check out, many have telephone helplines as well:

Alzheimers UK: alzheimers.org.uk/find-supp...

Age UK: ageuk.org.uk/services/in-yo...

You may also be entitled to Carers Allowance and it's worth checking the Government website: citizensadvice.org.uk/benef... And your mum may be entitled to Personal Independence Payments or Attendance Allowance (depending on her age).

Keep in touch!

Best wishes,

MAS Nurse

[FredaE]

What good advice. You don't have to put up with that sort of treatment at all. After a while you get used to how you live and forget that it is not right. Please do what all these wise people have suggested. Go to your own doctor on your own and if he/she is not helpful insist on a dementia assessment for your mother. We can't diagnose her condition but we have seen things like it. If your mother has dementia she may not be able to help what she says and does. Some of the nicest people can change totally. That still does not mean you have to put up with it. Its time to look after yourself. Tell us how you get on

FredaE

[familytree64]

I'm having the same problem with my husband when we get visitors hes a different person laughing smiling so fake.

one day hes ok nice and pie and t eh next back to his normal nasty self.

so your not alone.

its ok for some to say have a word with your doctor but what happends when the doctors is to far away and you cant leave your mum or in my case my husband for to long.

he has 3 children of his own but as hes been nasty to them in the passed year none have any time for him now.

ive started to take stress releif tablets and once a fort night I also go to a friend for an hour just to relax hypnoses which helps.

but I do ask myself why me what have I ever done to get such missery

[Vonnieruth in reply to familytree64]

You must request a home visit A doctor or any professional has a duty of care to you and husband I am a senior care assistant working in a home with 56 Dementia sufferers

[Hidden]

Hi anxiousandexhausted.

I see you've just joined our Care Community so a very warm welcome to you.

I can also see how close to the end of your tether you are with all of this and for how long it's been going on, first with your father and now your mother.

Unfortunately you've inadvertently made yourself her verbal punchbag through living with her, and it's been all too easy for your brothers to fob you off because they know that, in living with her, it's very easy to abdicate any responsibility for what's going on.

If this is recent behaviour with mum, then I'd say that at the very least, it's old age grumpiness that's set in, and it's quite possibly much more, so that although she is vitriolic and unpleasant to be with, it's her age and illness talking, so try not to take everything that she says, personally.

I think what you need is to gain the confidence to take charge of the situation and just decide 'no more'.

That means not only standing up to your mum but some really no-nonsense conversations with your brothers with regard to shared care of your mum. After all, if (heaven forbid), illness took you out of the equation today, they would have to step up to the plate. And therefore it's essential that they are prepared, because there always is that possibility.

Something else you can do is to take charge of the home you and your mum share. Don't give her the decisions any more. Make your own space to retreat to, and go there every time is she unrealistically unpleasant to you. You don't have to do it in a day. Just start with subtle changes and a no-nonsense attitude.

It is unfortunately very easy to become someone else's door mat, especially if you still see them as an authority figure, which for most of us, parents always are, but there comes a turning point for so many of us, where we have to take the responsibility, and 'child' becomes 'parent'.

And I think that, for you, for both your mum's sake, and for yours, that time is now.