New and confused

[pennyc02]

Hi everyone. I’m new here and wish to share my story and hopefully someone can give me some advice.

My dad is 80 and is currently in the process of being tested for dementia. He’s had the memory test and last week had an MRI on his head and then i believe an occupational therapist is coming to visit him in the home. My dad lives with my mum who is 77 and up until recently she was very fit and healthy and looked after my dad. They have an old fashioned marriage where she does everything for him. I don’t think he even knows how to make a cup of tea!!!.....I live in the same town as them with my husband and teenage son.

Anyway at the end of February my mum was rushed to hospital with a heart attack. She had a blocked artery and due to it being so blocked she can’t have a stent in and has just been given a load of medication. She also had heart failure. While my mum was in hospital I had to move in with my dad to look after him and also take time off work because I couldn’t leave him. She came out of hospital too early and after only being home a couple of days I had to ring an ambulance because she couldn’t breath. They have now tweaked her tablets and she has come home. She a different person now as she’s obviously very tired and gets confused with doing certain things. She can wash and dress herself but I wouldn’t trust her to use her gas Oven. I have a dr coming out to her tomorrow to just check her over as

I am concerned about her slight confusion. It’s certain words she’s struggles with but not all words. I do feel that if her confusion doesn’t get better then she won’t possibly be able to look after my dad and I do feel he has dementia but until it’s diagnosis we don’t really know what we are dealing with.

I’ve been signed off work with stress of it all but eventually I will have to go back to work. This whole thing has rocked my world as my mum was so healthy non of us saw this coming!! So now our lives have changed and I don’t know how to deal with it. If they need help how does it work? Who decides they need help? I am their only child and will be able to do some things for them but I’m worried that someone may need to go in every day and once I’m back at work I won’t be able to do that. How do other people cope with their parents where both need to be looked after? They would have to pay for any care as they have savings and policies etc. I’m just lost by all this and would be grateful for any advice. Sorry for the long story

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ask for a social services assessment. They will decide on any help they need - maybe practical things would help, ie stair rails, shower seat etc and can also advise you on what you can do to make life easier for them (and you).

Importantly - don't forget to look after your own health, it won't do anyone any good if you crack up!

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Hi pennyc02

First a warm welcome to the Care Community, and rest assured it was not a problem to read through all of your post. Not everything can be explained in only a few words. To date you've done all that you needed to do, but your next step is to involve social services so that they can come and assess exactly what your parents need to have put in place to keep them safe and able to get by on a daily basis. But I should warn you that you will almost certainly have to fill in some gaps in the level of care they are deemed to need. Your local council is responsible for making sure you get the assessment that's needed, but it seldom ever provides all that's wanted. There is some financial help available through benefits so that you can, if you wish, fund some outside help, but it's not usually a generous amount and some of it is means tested. That should be explained to you at assessment.

You can have a conversation with the GP when he/she comes to assess your mum's medical needs. Sometimes a GP can accelerate a visit from social services, as everything in Care is currently stretched to the limit and it can take some time before you receive an assessment visit. It would probably be well worth your pointing out that, although you will be able to offer some help, as and when you can, you are not going to be available all of the time as you must return to work. Having a gas supply to a home where someone is not able to cope safely with it, ought to flag up the need for speed, so do mention your worries on that score. In general it's useful to think ahead and flag up anything you think would be dangerous, as, if you have mentioned it, it would be deemed neglectful in the event that something went wrong which should have been addressed earlier.

It's really sensible of you to be thinking ahead with this. Sadly this is a one way journey in a situation where time can make all the difference in setting up something practical for your parents.

Do please come back to the forum if you can find time in future, to let us know how you got on. Our collective experiences are really helpful when trying to help others.

I wish you all good fortune and the help that you need, in the coming days. Please all stay as safe and well as you can. Very best wishes.

[sassy59]

Welcome to the forum pennyc02, I can see you’ve had two excellent replies so I just want to say that hopefully things will work out and improve for you all.

Take care of yourself too. Stay safe xxxx