New to this community

[Afrohair]

Hi I’m new to this part of the forum but been on health unlocked since about September when I had a misscarrige and seeking a diagnosis of a condition called endometriosis. as well as battling my own health issues my mum has been diagnosed vasucular dementia at age 53 well she would have been 50 at time and I will eventually become her full time carer how that will happen I don’t know I have 3 children a partner and currently on another ttc journey.but that’s another story .I guess I’ve come on here for support my main worry at the minute is my wedding you will see the post I put up on another forum it relates to my mums illness and about how I’m going to approach planning my wedding before this illness gets worse she currently appears quite early stages but a lot of the illness she hides from me like she always forgets her bank details so can’t withdraw money out bank she forgets things what happens recently but remembers a lot of things from when I was just a baby which I don’t understand .I guess I need support like my mum told me to make a memory book but I haven’t started and she keeps telling me to arrange her funeral I’m only 34 never done this before everything has been left to me as I’m her only daughter and my kids don’t know she has it

[sassy59]

Hello Afrohair, I’d like to welcome you to this very caring forum. I’m so very sorry to hear of your miscarriage which must still be so raw. Then on top of that your dear mother has been diagnosed with vascular dementia at such a young age.

You will need a lot of support as time goes on so don’t be afraid to seek it. Your mum will recall events from the past as that’s the nature of the disease. There is the Alzheimer’s website that you may find helpful.

I do hope you can plan your wedding soon and take lots of photos for mum to look at.

Please stay in touch as we’re a supportive lot on here. Thinking of you. Xxxxx

[Afrohair in reply to sassy59]

I struggle with a lot of the past she talks of because she will say things like she did Christmas Day for me and I never enjoyed Xmas as a kid and she now excludes herself Christmas and says she’s spending it alone and told us she’s not celebrating with anyone cause she never liked it.sometimes the things she says don’t make sense and she will shout at me and say I’m the one who’s wrong.and when I lost my baby she kept trying to introduce me to new mums saying it would help which it didn’t help me only made me more upset .I don’t understand the way she thinks and that’s hard for me and sometimes she gets angry at my children if they do something wrong I can see her getting frustrated and angry like she will hit them and she nearly hit me once when she first got her diagnosis I was pregnant at the time I know she means no harm but I never know which person she is each day.when she talks about my wedding she acts like she’s the one getting married and gets really upset if it’s not what she envisioned but on top of all that she is a loving caring woman but when we go to doctors she seems really nervous more silly things come out sometimes things are funny but you know it’s illness talking she will say things your not supposed to say

[sassy59 in reply to Afrohair]

It is very hard for you and that’s why you need support. Who diagnosed your mother? Can her doctor not help in anyway? You will possibly struggle in the future so maybe try and get things in place now.

My late mother in law was 80 when diagnosed with vascular dementia and Alzheimer’s and changed quite dramatically. She would become angry, talk about the past and get very confused over simple things. She eventually had to leave her flat and go into a home.

Please don’t allow your mother to hit you or your children as that’s very wrong. It’s not her fault of course. Can you speak with social services or someone from mental health?

I hope you get the help you so desperately need. Take care xxx

[Afrohair in reply to sassy59]

As far as I’m aware the hospital did she has all the info at her flat she does seem very independent at minute but I’m worried what to do in the future she keeps asking if I’m going to look after her I don’t have space in my house so don’t know how I’m going to I obviously said I would look after her but really nothing is not in place for when that time comes I know I can’t really look after her as i have 3 children and an illness of my own .the docs are just having regular check ups but there not really helpful it’s just to talk really and she only really accepts help from her church friends and me what do I do when the time comes and she needs more care

[sassy59 in reply to Afrohair]

There are carers that could eventually be put in place and do talk to social services. You’re not alone but may need to really push for assistance. I don’t know what help is available in your area.

Please also try the Alzheimers website as they have lots of information on there.

Wishing you well. Xxxx

[Afrohair in reply to sassy59]

Thankyou x

[Hidden]

Hi Afrohair,

A very warm welcome to this community on HealthUnlocked. I can see you have already received some really good help and support from sassy59 and I'm sure that's helped lots. Sometimes just sharing your worry with someone else can be a great help.

I'd like to answer from a slightly different angle.

In reading your reply I see an awful lot of fear of the future, and it's true that you will most likely have quite a tough time ahead in caring for your mum. It's so tragic that she has been diagnosed so early in life.

But what I'd suggest is that, although you are aware of what may be to come, let the problems meet you, instead of rushing off to meet them. Take one day at a time and don't burden yourself with problems that haven't really arisen yet, and some of which you may never ever need to worry about. The dementia journey is slightly different for everyone.

Proceed happily with your wedding and don't spoil this wonderful day of your life with worry. include your mum and her ideas as much as you want to, but ultimately do as you want to make your day lovely, whilst thanking her for her input, and don't 'take her on' in arguments about it. Consider saying that 'you'll think about' any suggestion she makes, and just don't act on it.

Don't worry if your mum acts oddly with the doctor. It's actually useful in the long term. In making a diagnosis it's quite helpful for the medical profession to have seen any odd behaviours. My own sister was held up with her diagnosis, because when we took her to her doctor she would appear to be the same as always and for a long time the doctors never believed my niece or me.

But overriding don't worry yourself with what might be coming but isn't here yet.

Very best wishes for you both for the future and do please feel very welcome here. We have members who have seen just about every problem there is in Caring and often in the many forms of dementia. I hope you'll find you've come to the right place.

[sassy59 in reply to Hidden]

Excellent reply Callendersgal, very reassuring. Xxxx

[Afrohair in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for your reply I deal with this kind of thing a lot in my life I worry about the future so thankyou for putting that in perspective I get very anxious about what’s to come etc especially when she asks cause I don’t know what to do and she will ask me to look for support but I don’t know what to say I suppose when the time comes I will seek it thanks for that input