Forgets his name amongst other things.

[secrets22]

Have been refused CHC I have written a letter to the head of the department as it appears that appealing falls on stony ground.

I told in my letter that instead of them sitting around a table deciding loved ones fate,they should spend a day or night here to see what I have to do,but do they care,are they interested,NO,we carers are left to our own devices even if it compromises our own health.

My doctor has been concerned that I might be near suicide,and indeed I am at the end of my tether,and my life has become a living hell and I do feel very much alone even though my partner David's brother is here for a month from South Africa,but he does nothing,he goes out all day and then arrives home in time for dinner,and he does'nt even wash a cup,let alone keep his brother company.

It does seem that everything is against me,hurdles at every turn.Solicitor messed up but they blame me for signing a document for POA which was one day out,which has resulted in it becoming void,unfortunately solicitors close ranks,and in truth they are legalised thieves.

Even the phone line was down for 2 days,and today I needed David to sign a form,but he signed it with a name I had never heard of,so it is useless.

On top of which I have had problems with my left elbow,indeed the elbow is near shattered,i must have bashed it heavily last year, but now I have been told I will need major surgery or I will lose the use of my arm entirely,so what am going to do I really dont know,not only David to care for,but I have 3 little dogs who have been my salvation and I will not kennel them.

David does have money,but I cannot access a penny for his care,the only thing I can do is apply for Deputyship,which again costs around £1000,and right now I am so uptight I cannot concentrate on even more form filling,and only last week I bashed my car..twice...due to the stress and worry,and I keep breaking down in tears.

''Sometimes the strongest among us are the ones who smile through silent pain,cry behind closed doors,and fight battles nobody knows about.''

[sassy59]

Right dear secrets, it seems as if you are not getting help, solicitors are just money grabbers best avoided. Do you have lasting power of attorney? You need it.

Why is your GP, social services etc. not being proactive? You need help now and cant go on like this.

I’m very angry. If you need an op then David needs respite care and a dog sitter needs to be at your home with the dogs.

Oh and while I think of it, tell your brother in law to step up or ship out!

Sorry to be so cross but enough is enough. Xxxxxx

[secrets22 in reply to sassy59]

I thought/did have POA but the solicitors had my date birth out by one day so it is void,and when I questioned the solicitors they said''you signed it so its your fault'.

I am jinxed at every move and its killing me.x

[sassy59 in reply to secrets22]

Is POA the same as LPA? Pete had LPA’s for his mother covering welfare and finance and we have the same in place for us.

Please read the wonderful replies from others and take heart. We really do care xxxxx

[Lynd]

Hi secrets

You are entitled to a review and if you get nowhere you can ask for an independent review. I know the hassle of this is appalling but don't let them beat you.

I know you probably won't do this but it seems to me you can not go on like this.

You could just let social services know that you refuse to be his carer anymore. They will be obliged to act.

Sorry but when suicide comes into the conversation it is a strong warning that you must act. I am sure David himself. Would but be horrified if he could realize how bad things are.

You must access the money. Ring the court of protection and ask ways of paying fees once the money is accessed. There must be a way round this.

Wishing you strength xxx

[Hidden]

Hi secrets22,

I can but agree with sassy59. If we can see from an online post that you are at the end of your tether, then everyone in contact with you in your role as carer can see this too. I think your quote at the end of your post speaks volumes about what's happening with you. You appear to be coping and taking everything in your stride, when underneath the infrastructure is crumbling. It's not going to help anyone, least of all David, if you go under, and someone's still going to have to be his carer.

You really do need to have a serious conversation with a GP at your practice about your own health. I know it's not appealing these days when most of them are total strangers to us, and also how easy it is when we enter the surgery to suddenly water down what's wrong, because we don't want to be perceived as weak. But you seem dangerously close to a final collapse, so it's really important to do this. And for preference do appeal the CHC decision. It's hard and annoying to have to do it, but focus on getting what certainly seems to be due to you.

Definitely do press on with the Lasting Power of Attorney at least. Never mind the solicitors. What matters is the end result.

And as sassy59 also says, tell your lazy brother-in-law that he needs to pull his weight or find a hotel.

Very best wishes and do try to hang in there, but also as a priority, make sure that your own needs are noticed and accommodated.

[Bella395]

secrets22 - I read your post and hesitated to reply because I felt your despair and your situation is so complicated. This made me realise that it is hard to see how you can manage this without support from someone who is knowledgeable. The only organisations that I can think of are carers uk.org, the Alzheimer’s charity or AgeUK.

I usually find it best to tackle one thing at a time. You can’t sort out the financial situation without having some space and time. In view of your current mental and physical problems I can only suggest that you either telephone social services or see your gp and tell them that you are going to cease caring for your husband. Nobody can make you be a carer but they have a duty of care and will have to act. They will possibly try to put carers into the home so it might best to say you are going away because he needs 24 hour care and they can’t give that without going into residential care. It will be hard to do but it sounds as if you have very little choice.

If you can get him into care temporarily you can then try to sort out the legal position regarding the money. From what you say you will maybe have to start again. It sounds as if it will be costly but there is no choice because you will not have peace of mind until it is dealt with.

Regarding CHC funding I can’t say anything useful although I did get joint funding for this when I applied for my OH. I had to make a strong case for it and explain in detail every bit of the care that he has at home. He does have very clear medical needs that cannot be met in a residential home. From what I have read it is very difficult to get joint or full funding in cases such as your husband’s. I think that if you do get him into a residential home temporarily a picture will emerge of whether he can be properly managed in this setting and it might help your subsequent appeal if the staff agree with you.

[SquirrelsHolt]

Oh golly gosh dear secrets22 I do feel for you and your situation. I'm sorry I can't add anything else to the replies you've already had and you certainly had sound advice from people who have had/or are having , first hand experience. Unless you receive some additional help,then the entire infrastructure you have built up,will gradually fall apart. I'm not saying this to frighten you but it's true and anyone ie the brother, should be releasing you of some duties whilst he steps up a few notches!! He is acting like he's here on holiday and staying in a hotel.....probably with no attempt yet to offer any reimbursements etc. Oh dear,I've gone off on a subject that is very close to my heart so I shall apologise now. So come back and tell us what /who offered you a helping hand. Thinking of you and best of luck.