Help please

[JanettePearson]

My elderly mother moved in with me 19 months ago and it has affected my health and well being dramatically. I really need to have a break from her now and then for my own sanity and am thinking about possibly a residential course on possibly cake decorating or sewing. I have looked into it but it all seems hugely expensive and, having had to give up work because of my mum, I don't have a lot of funds. Or maybe a nice country hotel where I could just relax and read and knit and be happy for a couple of days. I live in Poole so not too far away. Any suggestions please??

[Hidden]

My local carers association runs a lovely programme of FREE events to give carers a break including pamper sessions, afternoon teas, theatre visits, book groups, overnight stays. You can meet with other people in a similar situation. I found about them through my surgery where one of the receptionists is a liaison contact. I hope you have something similar.

[JanettePearson in reply to Hidden]

Thank you. I will try that.

[jaykay777 in reply to Hidden]

That sounds like a wonderful opportunity for carers. I haven't heard of anything similar here in the U.S. I will keep it in mind to mention if I run into someone who may be able to start something like that here.

[Roessner541 in reply to jaykay777]

When I was taking care of my stepfather I didn't feel he was safe leaving him alone somehow I got it so he could go to the senior center every day he would go there for lunch and socialize and they would bring him home when I was getting off work it was wonderful. It was quite awhile ago but I think it was through meals on wheels.

[sassy59]

Being a carer can be very stressful so it’s good to be able take a break sometimes. As liverpoollass1 says try your surgery and see if they can be of any help.

Good luck to you xxxx

[jaykay777]

Take your break in any one of the ways you have considered. During the break, consider whether it may be time to look into long-term care for your mother.

[AnneandChris]

Hello there

When my husband was first diagnosed with PSP thanks to the work of our amazing GP. He wanted to know what I did. I started to paint when I retired and also joined the local WI, which I am now Secretary of. He advised me in the strongest terms not to give these up no matter what lay ahead. Both have given me a group of very close friends who are there for me and the opportunity to get out and about and to be ME. Now this sounds very selfish but it is helping keep my sanity and gives Chris a rest from the old nag bag!

So if you can, try to join a group of like minded people and you never know what doors will open.

Keep on, keeping on

Anne

[JanettePearson in reply to AnneandChris]

Thank you. X

[Hellebelle]

Most areas have a carers organisation and organise or put you in touch with respite activities such as those mentioned above. The area I work in has "carers Gloucestershire" for example You can register for the emergency carers scheme, through them, which provides a few days 24 hr emergency cover if you are unable to provide care through illness for example. In Northamptonshire where my parents live, the carers organisation organise respite care so that my mum, who cares for my dad, can have some time away to recharge her batteries. There are other organisations such as AGE UK who operate sitting services,although you usually have to pay. I have just returned from a few days with my parents, where I gave mum a break and I cared for dad who needs constant supervision. I am completely emotionally and physically exhausted. My poor mum, who is over 80 is doing this every day. I think we forget that carers save the state thousands of pounds a year and do the most mentally and physically gruelling tasks. I know it can be very rewarding but no-one can do this without support. I really hope you manage to source some respite as soon as possible for your own health and well being.

[JanettePearson in reply to Hellebelle]

Thank you. X

[XSitch38]

Hi Janette. Its not an easy thing to do when having your parent live with you. You don't say what your mom has wrong with her, but I am sure your social services department will be able to help with advice on what respite options are available in your area, but you must definitely request a carers assessment. My mom moved in with us nearly 7 years ago as she was suffering from vascular dementia. In the early days we had two days allocated at a local daycentre, and for a total break we were introduced to a scheme called Shared Lives where mom went to stay with a lovely lady in her own home. This sort of scheme is available with every local authority unfortunately but there are other options, such as a care home (know not an option most carers would consider), or even an agency staying with your mom while you get as few days away. For short term breaks for you to get out for a club or a coffee, they could assess you for direct payments so you can employ a PA to work to suit you, so you can have a much needed rest. In later years mom has been unable to go out at all so day centre no longer an option. We have a PA and so most weeks my husband and I have one day out somewhere. Social services or your GP are definitely the starting point, but do tell them exactly how you are feeling, and that you aren't coping too well at the moment. It's vital they realise you need a break. Hope you get the help you need and take care.

[JanettePearson in reply to XSitch38]

Thank you. X

[DeDeDickson]

Hi Janette, here in South Carolina, there is a Trappist monastery that offers week/weekend retreats, Mepkin Abbey. Even before the onset of my husband’s needing caregiving, I found my time there to be like a “weekend long massage” ... wonderfully relaxing. At this particular monastery, retreatants are left to their own on a beautiful old southern plantation, there are no expectations. This might be an option for you to see if there is something like this in your area. The cost at this particular monastery is a “suggested” donation.

xoDorie

[JanettePearson in reply to DeDeDickson]

That sounds wonderful. I wish that was available here. Sounds just what I need. X

[DeDeDickson in reply to JanettePearson]

stillmind.org/uk-meditation...

Not sure if any of these would be near to you or if you would want a “meditation” retreat. But it says in the first paragraph: “All of the centres included here run formal meditation retreats. I purposefully haven’t included places that offer accommodation for independent practice (i.e. without any structure or guidance). The list would be too long!” So I hope that perhaps you could find something close and that would provide the respite you need!

xoDorie

[JanettePearson in reply to DeDeDickson]

That's amazing. Thank you so much. The closest one is in Devon. Still a long drive but I will certainly look into it. X

[JanettePearson]

Thank you. I have been to the GO and am now having some counselling to help me cope. It's not that the caring is difficult but the actual living with my mum that is taking its toll. Just the way she is and how trapped I am.

[Uzula in reply to JanettePearson]

I can totally understand how you feel 100% but I feel guilty for feeling trapped because it was my choice to go and live with my Mum so she didn`t end up in a home. I live in Ferndown, Dorset but haven`t a car otherwise I`d have suggested we meet up for coffee, best of luck.xx

[Hidden]

Hi JanettePearson,

I see you've had a wealth of really good and sensible advice already and I agree with all that everyone has said.

I'd just like to add that, whatever you decide, do listen to how your mind and body are feeling and don't sit on this. Do try and get some proper respite with your mum cared for so that you can get a complete break. As several people have mentioned a good start point is your GP surgery because it is possible to have your mum cared for temporarily whilst you take a break without worry about what's going on.

If money's tight, remember that you are living in a wonderful part of the UK where there is plenty going on without having to travel miles, or necessarily splashing the cash. Sometimes we get so absorbed in what we have to do that we forget what's round about us.

Also maybe try researching something like the Travelzoo site for cut price vouchers for overnight or two night breaks, in participating hotels Or they also have vouchers for things like cream teas in all sorts of locations and establishments at discount prices.

But the really important thing is, make sure you take that break!

[JanettePearson in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much. I had never thought about Travel zoo so will take a look. I do need to get away to try and feel happy for a short period now and then. My daughter says that all the time I am caring for my mum she is losing hers. There is an awful lot more to my story which I won't go into but my mum refused to do anything to help herself and consequently ended up with me. Not good. X

[Hidden]

Hi Janette,

It's so sad, isn't it, how relationships can start to break down when those who need to be cared for are demanding or unpleasant, and it really does happen quite often. And how quickly we can start to neglect other relationships, like yours with your daughter. It can all become such a juggling act, in which the juggler is so busy keeping all the balls in the air, that the result is friction all around.

So I think it's a great plan to always have a short break on the horizon. Even an overnight stay away can help recharge your batteries, so stick to your plan and get away as often as you are able to, and can afford.

Best wishes.

[JanettePearson in reply to Hidden]

I am looking at the Warner Leisure Hotels. Could be what I need and not hugely expensive. X

[Hidden]

Now that sounds like a plan!