Your experiences please : I wondered how... - Care Community

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Your experiences please

Daisy55 profile image
16 Replies

I wondered how people deal with situations when the one you care for gets unpleasant . My husband though still able to work on his pc at home , otherwise gets very unpleasant and quite nasty , verbally . He has numerous conditions , I appreciate that , but I won’t tolerate nastiness . He also acts like a naughty child . He has circulation problems , but just wont do what is advised , he keeps crossing his legs stopping the flow , so I put a cushion between his legs , he then crosses his legs over it . This is how he is . The Gp and district nurse have told him to walk around the house and garden for exercise , does he ? No . He will not help himself .

The Gp told him it’s not an option it’s a necessity , but it seems to fall on deaf ears , he is just going to do what he wants to do .

I wondered if there is any advice for me in coping with this .

16 Replies
sassy59 profile image

Good morning Daisy, that sounds like quite a problem you have there. It’s natural for your husbands problems to affect his mood but nastiness is unacceptable.

Is he eating a proper balanced diet and drinking plenty of water? It seems that many men don’t help themselves, I’m married to one, but rely on others to spur them on.

If the doctor has done a thorough examination and told your husband what he has to do to help himself then what else can be done? Hopefully someone will be able to suggest something to help.

Take care xxxxx

Hellebelle profile image

Hi Daisy, that is such a difficult and upsetting problem for you. My father has a neurological condition and he can become very selfish and unpleasant. This is probably more to do with frustration on his part because he is very limited in what he can do. He then takes it out on those around him. He also will not do as advised at times which is probably him trying to hold onto some control of his life. I think the effects of illness on someone is very complex I think and can cause family members lots of stress. Anti depressants have helped dad to some extent. I wonder whether your husband might be depressed? Also, dad is more likely to do what has been advised if it comes from a trusted doctor who has a good relationship with dad. Wishing you lots of luck and sending love to you for doing such a hard but important job


This must be so frustrating for you, but I don't blame you in the slightest if you won't tolerance deliberate nastiness.

Certainly some conditions can make the sufferer grumpy and nasty but there's only so much you can do in a given situation. You can only ever help people who want to be helped.

Yes, it's the right thing for doctors to advise that he follow certain health advice and say that it's a necessity, and it's suggested in his own best interests. But it's also perfectly OK to make it plain to his doctor that you've done all you can reasonably do. Doctors do often love to lecture us about the ideals, when sometimes they are unachievable. They are not at the coal face, so to speak: you are! And, if your husband is at a level where he's still able to use a computer and chooses to ignore all advice, why frustrate yourself unnecessarily trying to make him follow what's best for him.

You can try, (if you haven't already), giving him the exact reason why he should take the steps advised, but once a person's been advised, they have the free will to reject any advice they've been given.

Obviously if he reaches the point where he is a danger to himself and others, then a higher level of intervention may be needed to cope with him, but for so long as he is living an independent life at home (albeit with your help), then he has the right to reject anything he's advised to do.

I'd say just stop frustrating yourself (and him), and leave him to it.

AliBee1 profile image

Hiya. I just came on to post a poem, which I will do in a minute, but read your post instead. Sounds a lot like my husband. I do not get a lot of verbal abuse but it happened a lot in hospital when they were trying to get him to do things. His body language is very expressive though. My daughter, who works with people with learning disabilities, advised me not to use too many words as the brain cannot cope with it all especially if someone is agitated, so I now just say 'Stop it. That is unacceptable. I am walking away'. in response to an angry retort. Does seem to diffuse things - usually !!!

Hope this will help. Big hug. AlliBee x

FredaE profile image

AlliBee and Callendersgal are both so right.People have the right to drink themselves to death, the dig their graves with their knife and fork - all these things we try to stop for their own good. All you can do is try to persade them. If they don't want to listen you can do no more. My husband was a lovely and co-operative man most of the time but he sometimes turned into Mr Nasty. Mr N is not acceptable and there is no reason for anyone to put up with him. Try AlliBees method and don't let yourself feel guilty about it.

I remember him telling me he was going to go and find himself a wife who would look after him better. I wanted to say "You'll be lucky" and I have always been glad I just said nothing and quietly got on with something else. I always tried to remember that I was free to walk away from the problem (not that I would) but he was not - he was stuck with it for the rest of his life and this was probably his way of trying to find an escape.

Yes, letting him know that you will not interact with him if he treats you badly should work. Just walk away. He will, hopefully, soon realise that he cannot behave like this to you. You could try, when he is in a good mood and things are relaxed, explaining to him exactly how he makes you feel

Noella21 profile image

Daisy we went through a spell of this in the beginning stages. If he knows the facts do not keep reminding him. It will appear to him that you are nagging and he will resist. There is so much to ajust to .If crossing his legs or whatever feels comfortable to him taking that away will add to his anger at the PD and himself for not being able to follow all the new rules . The anger will likely be redirected to you too. This is a very hard stage . Keep out of the line of fire . Nothing will fix this. Just support him . Keeping his stress levels down will help him function better . This angry stage will pass . We all adjust to new normals. My husband eats what he wants when he wants and is quite content now. This is 13 years later he is 78 now and is very content . Never complains. It is easier once not too much is expected of him . He struggled so in the beginning forcing himself to do what was expected of a healthy person. My heart goes out to you. I remember it well . I wish I had know than what I do now. This site is one of your best resources. I wish I had something like this in the early days. We walk this road together. This is not medical advice he will get enough of that Hugs.

Bella395 profile image

The problem seems to be that there is conflict between what you know will make his condition better and what he wants to do. This conflict needs to be resolved. Perhaps it would be useful to wait until he is in a receptive mood and to have a serious discussion with him. You could open up by gently asking where he wants to go with this ie how he sees the future. If he has had enough and it is his choice not to help himself then you know exactly where you are going and you can say OK, it is your choice and we will leave it be. He has a right to make that choice.

If this is what he wants to do then he will become debilitated and die sooner than necessary and that will increase the care burden on you. He needs to understand this and it might be useful to tell him how far you can go in respect of looking after him. If you don't want that burden then it is the right time to say so. Caring is not for everybody and is very, very hard work (as you already know). There is no reason why his choices should make your life more difficult. That is simply not fair and you need to make this clear to him.

As for the nastiness, it is unacceptable and as others have said, simply tell him this and walk away. If he is amenable to counselling, it might help him to come to terms with his illness and how to cope with it.

lKeith profile image


Hi, I'm on the other side of the situation. My partner has little or no patience ( a poor carer really so I try to do things myself). Maybe instead of being kind about it, frighten him witless. I have severe ephysema, poor circulation, ostioporosis to name a few ailments, my GP told me some home truths that if I didn't do the right things I would die quicker than I should.

I can't do the smallest thing, getting upstairs leaves me breathless, walking, hills/slopes same. I even struggle to do the washing up which requires little effort but I have to accept that it will take time, it will get done eventually.

Your husband doesn't want that kind of existence, once the inability arrives it doesn't get better, you have to work around it.


Daisy55 profile image
Daisy55 in reply to lKeith

Thank you Keith for putting the other side to this . I do everything to do with everything , he is quite content to not attempt to do anything , though he could wash up occasionally , tidy his bedroom , pick up after himself , but doesn't . He too has Emphysema, Aspergillosis , leaky heart valve and more , and he doesn't go out , he only goes to appointments mainly . Yes he gets breathless etc. everything has been done to help him , he still works from home more or less full time on his pc . He has been so lucky to have a boss that has allowed him to work from home , sons who prepared his bedroom and made it really nice last year when he came out of hospital , so that he could do his work in his room . If ! there was appreciation , gratitude for what family and the professionals have all done for him , it would make a difference . even seeing conditions the same as he has on one of the hospital programmes doesn't do anything .

The reasons of the concern over him crossing his legs was because he has a purple foot due to circulatory problems , but though he has been advised by Gp, District nurse and myself , he continues to do it .

I accept he has multiple problems and with compassion as is my nature, I have done all I can do . Now it is going to be down to him . With fibromyalgia and arthritis myself , I need to step back and stop trying to help him and just be here .

lKeith profile image
lKeith in reply to Daisy55

Hi again, Tell your husband that he had better start dong things for himself to help keep himself active, I've said frighten him witless with what might happen to him if he doesn't. Importantly he probably won't be able to work, his hands could get very trembly like mine and using a keyboard in that state makes life very difficult.

If you are now getting your own problems with health it may be time for you to get some help, try the Palliative care team in your area they have been so helpful for me

and they can point you in directions for benefits and assistance. They don't just do the care for people on the verge of dying, it's a fallacy they really can help you.


Daisy55 profile image
Daisy55 in reply to lKeith

Thank you Keith , he has got tremors in his hands and arms and is going to see the Movement disorder team soon ie Parkinson’s testing to see if it is that , or what is causing it.

I will think on your advice , thank you .I have had fibro 11+ years so this all has an impact , but I have had to Keep as active as possible and it is so beneficial to do so .

Bella395 profile image
Bella395 in reply to Daisy55

You are absolutely right about stepping back. It is his life and as your reminders are doing no good whatsoever, it does seem preferable to stop trying.

We carers are usually very hard pressed and you have specific problems of your own which are made worse by stress. We often don’t have the luxury to take care of ourselves but in your case it is really important that you do just that. Perhaps you could consider detaching yourself a little. Improve your own health by going out for regular little walks and maybe swimming - these are excellent activities for sore joints and stiffness.

You have taken the first step by acknowledging the problems and posting on here. It’s all about managing the situation to the best advantage for yourself. You really can’t be dragged down by your husband’s choices.

Daisy55 profile image
Daisy55 in reply to Bella395

Thank you so much Bella x

When ever nasty best of taking on the chin and doing something else AND leave em to it.

Activity2004 profile image

Does your husband get upset during the sundowning time each day (5 pm)?

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