please help

[Floyd36]

im really struggling to cope, my dad has decompensated liver and they said he has less than 50% chance of surviving the year. Dad wont go hospital and hes literqlly dying in front of my eyes, hes either too poorly to move or when he can he goes to pub. I want him to try give up my sibling is saying no point and we are arguing over everything. Looking for advice on how to navigate this because im falling apart

[BritishLiverTrust12 Moderator British Liver Trust]

Hi Floyd36,

We are sorry to hear of your situation and that you are finding things difficult at the moment. We would encourage you to speak to someone if you are struggling to cope.

If you are in the UK and would find it useful to talk things over, our nurse-led helpline is open Monday 9am to 3pm and Tuesday to Friday 9am to 4pm on 0800 652 7330

Here you can find the NHS information on mental health services, including how to find services local to you: nhs.uk/nhs-services/mental-...

Charities such as Mind and Samaritans also have helplines if you feel like you'd like a chat. Try not to worry about not knowing what to say, trained call handlers will be able to guide and support you.

Take care,

British Liver Trust

[AyrshireK]

Have you been intouch with Al-anon? It is a support agency for those affected by a loved ones drinking. Sadly, your sibling is correct in saying you can't stop him drinking and you'll only end up having a fractious relationship. If Dad is so stuck in his ways with alcohol no amount of rowing will stop him and sadly few services can step in to help him to quit if he doesn't want to even engage.

Al-anon may be your best source of advuse and support. al-anonuk.org.uk/

Look after yourself because this is going to be a tough time for all.

Katie

[Pasturesnew]

Hi, I so feel for you but I want to give you a bit of hope! Your sibling is wrong, there is a point in your DAD stopping! I have gone from decompensatrd to compensated liver disease! It can happen and does, however, it would require your dad to want to give up!! I also would highly recommend SMART RECOVERY friends & family online meetings to you and your sibling, it's important for youto both to receive support & understanding from people who like yourself are relatives of someone with alcohol dependency. Xx

[Breakfastbabe]

I am so sorry to hear about your situation as I have been through this with my husband and I know how hard it is for you. In a way your siblings are right. You cannot change your dad's mindset or will to carry on drinking. Only he can do that and to do that he needs to want help. On the other hand if he can find that trigger to stop, there is hope even if he is decompensated as the liver can stabilise. I guess your dad's diagnosis is based on if he continues to drink. Did anyone discuss that with him or where and how he might get help? Some medical professionals don't and it was only when my husband collapsed and a young nurse took the addiction seriously enough to point out where he could get help that he stopped and his liver has stabilised. His sister was also brought back from the brink.This has been a terrible shock for you and you will feel helpless and that you should be doing something. But the only thing you have control over is you unless your dad wants your help. Al Anon is good if you can find a local group. BLT also have an online carers support group which meet monthly. Speaking to people outside the family in a similar situation can be really helpful. In the meantime try and focus on things that make you happy so that if your dad does need your help you are strong enough to cope. Take care and I hope you can find tge help you need.

[Thepuppylover]

hello Floyd36

Sorry that you are going through this, I hope you find this forum helpful I certainly do.

Just to echo that decompensation can turn to compensated if alcohol is removed. Mine has after 5 months of abstinence, I was admitted to hospital last year very unwell and was told if I drink again I will die my consultant made me cry at this news but I am grateful he was brutally honest, he needed to be.

Your dad can hopefully find a way out of the booze cycle and some people find it incredibly hard, as an alcoholic that was one of my reasons not to address I had a problem as I knew I had to fully stop

I found turning point to be helpful for me and my husband who also needed support with my drinking and recovery, you could try speaking with them you and your dad can do so anonymously. AA wasn’t for me as I understand it is very spiritual and that wasn’t right for me

Please reach out for support, the nurses at BLT are incredible to speak to.

Most of all know you are not alone Unfortunately many people are struggling and it is extremely hard on those who love you to watch

All the very best x

[Dogfish123]

Going from decompensated to compensated manageability is eminently possible. I am an example. But he must give up alcohol permanently. 3 years ago I was worse than that being given the last rites in hospital. Now I'm 80% of what I used to be and feeling stronger by the day.

By abstinence he would give himself at least half a chance. Of course it must be said that withdrawal needs managing.

I wish him the best.

[Grassroots112]

Hi and sorry you are going through this, unfortunately unless your dad stops drinking and ideally ASAP, then the outcome isn’t going to be nice at all, for anyone. However, if he can somehow manage to get himself sober and remain that way and follow a healthy balanced diet including general exercise, his liver can become compensated and start functioning where should it, he can live a long old life still.

Many on here and throughout the world have overturned dire circumstances and become reasonably healthy again, even with cirrhosis, to the point where they won’t ever need a liver transplant and will likely die with cirrhosis and not from it.

This is 100% doable so there is hope and your dad is not a lost cause, cirrhosis is not a lost cause, it’s not the death sentence it used to be due to modern medicine, a better understanding of liver disease, better after care and for those who abuse alcohol, far better resources and help available for those who want it and that’s the key here now, your dad has to want this.

Is he under the care of a hep/gastro doctor and are there any alcohol dependence recovery centres near him he can attend? I really feel for you and your dad, alcohol abuse is awful, I hate the term alcoholism and alcoholic so I refuse to use them, it’s simply an abuse of a toxic drug that your dad has no doubt become dependant on and now it’s ravaging his liver and health to the point it will kill him unless he stops.

If he is continuing to drink, he can’t just stop on the dot so to speak as withdrawal can be dangerous so he will need help with that from the beginning and once sober for a period, his LFTs and bloods and general health will start to look much better. It takes time, however, but he must act now.

I wish you and your dad the very best and hopefully he can stop drinking and his health does improve, good luck and take care.

[Roy1955]

Unlike the others advice mine is that your dad has made his decision and you have to accept it.

From your post it's clear he has no problem with the prognosis.

That leaves it as your problem in accepting he is probably not going to live much longer.

Stop arguing and ask you Dr for help accepting what you can not change.

Talking thereapy might help, confrontation with your dad or siblings not helping anyone.

[Grassroots112 in reply to Roy1955]

It’s nit always as black and white and as simple as that though is it?! I knew I was killing myself drinking and when my health basically fell of a cliff I still wanted to drink, did I want to die? Hell no! I just couldn’t stop and it was only the intervention of me ending up in hospital was I able to stop because I couldn’t have done so on my own, I would be dead right now and I desperately wanted to live. The poor man will be scared to death himself right now and can’t be thinking straight at all. It may appear he’s made his choice and that’s that by continuing to drink and while at some point you do have to accept what’s coming, if this was my family member I’d want them to fight for me and not just accept my fate even if it appears I have by continuing to drink. I was being told daily I needed to stop drinking, when I turned yellow and ascites started developing I thought I could recover, that if I just lowered my drinking, and then bang I was so ill I had no choice but to go to A&E where they helped me sober up, give me some nutrition and looked after me for almost 2 weeks until I had enough strength to go home and then deal with the recovery which has been long and hard, but worth every minute of it. I’ve been luckily I have the most amazing support network and without blowing my own trumpet, I’m a pretty strong, resilient and tough person. I just needed a jump start really so to speak. This person needs help, desperately, and I do hope he isn’t a lost cause no matter how much it may seem so because as someone who abused alcohol I can tell you the grip it can have on someone is immense where all logic goes out of the window, all you end up really caring about is not yourself, or others, but your next drink and what compounds it even more is YOU NEED that drink. I tried going cold Turkey and it was the scariest experience I’ve encountered and I’ve been through the wars in my life as a kid and as an adult. It’s absolutely awful and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Fingers crossed the OP’s father pulls through and turns this around because again, it’s 100% doable.

[Roy1955 in reply to Grassroots112]

Totaly agree, but posters asking for advice on how to cope.

If you and me are anything to go by no amount of begging and pleading by our loved ones persuaded us to quit, we only did that when the proverbial hit the fan!

Poster must protect their own sanity.

[Grassroots112 in reply to Roy1955]

Hi and yeah I get that and I probably just jumped into the convo not even thinking about how someone is to cope when a loved one is seemingly killing themselves. It’s just tragic all round and I desperately feel for both, but especially the dad as I’ve been there and that could have been me and again I know I’d want someone to basically fight for me on my behalf, but I also appreciate that’s an innate selfishness that is so common in the drinker and as I’ve said it has to start from within and only he can stop this and decide never to drink again. To the OP as far as support goes, never ever blame yourself in any of this or think you could and should do more because as I found out the hard, but good way as it made me so determined, the responsibility for one’s own health and welfare rests solely on the individual themself. I just hope your dad can get the help he so desperately needs which is medical help and likely mental help and eventually decides that living is for him, not drinking and that YOU take it easy and get some support yourself in all of this if you can. If your dad is online maybe show him the Liver Trust website and let him read the forum and see for himself that he isn’t a lost cause, that cirrhosis isn’t a death sentence as I know some alcohol abusers when they get diagnosed can go into a mode of thinking where they truly believe there is no longer any hope for them and also guilt plays a part, some people really believe they would be better off dead to save themselves if that makes sense and to also save others from having to deal with a barely living ‘alcoholic’ with a diseased liver so they literally may see drinking themselves to death as the best option. Your dad may be thinking that way. It’s a myth those dependant on drink live drinking and want to be left alone to just drink and drink even if it kills ghem. I just remember how desperate I was for help and how much I hated myself for being unable to say no to alcohol and how much of a hold it had over me, it possessed me I swear, I literally gave in to it and almost give up on myself. Thankfully the NHS didn’t and neither did my loved ones. Today despite being hospitalised with ascites and jaundice and alcohol hepatitis back in March 23 for almost 2 weeks, my LFTs and bloods and everything else are pretty much now in the blue and they won’t even say whether my liver is cirrhotic or not such has been my recovery and that’s all because I quit drinking which your dad must do too and if he does he too can become healthy again and have years left to live still. And I sincerely hope he does, for him and for you. Best of luck!

[0range5520]

Hi,

This must be a horrible situation for you to watch knowing that there is something he can do to change his situation but can’t/doesn’t want to. I can’t imagine how heartbreaking that is.

I guess someone has sat down an told him the difference in prognosis depending on whether he carries on drinking or stops. (Maybe he’s thinking its 50% regardless so thinks why bother). Just a thought.

[Unicorn60]

Hi Floyd....so sorry to hear of your Dad's failing health...The sad part and the hard part to accept is that the only person who can so anything about his situation is your Dad....I think it's important to both you and your sibling can work together to support each other and your Dad if he chooses to seek the help he so desperately needs....my partner is an alcoholic, a truly lovely man who is sadly engulfed by vodka....I asked him recently if he wanted to quit, sadly his answer was no...I've said to him he should quit and he needs to quit, but never that he has to....he has Cirrhosis, it's taken me weeks of gentle persuasion to get him to see his Doctor and he has an ultrasound ( the first for over a year) booked for next week....I've read a lot about Cirrhosis and from what I've read he is at least a stage 3 as his cirrhosis is decompensated like your Dads....I hope both your Dad and my partner can find the courage and strength it will take to kick the demon drink...kind regards...✨️