This is as much directed at the partners of people who have alcoholic liver disease. I have been historically very ill from alcohol abuse and husband has been so supportive but I now find myself at home, not able to drive as I had a one-off seizure three years ago (DVLC long story/fight!) My health is great nowadays but not only can I not drive so am pretty much housebound as we live in a village but our external security cameras result in my husband saying "What was delivered today when I was out?"
I know I am vulnerable but how do you all deal with overprotective partners and how do partners of alcoholics deal with the management/control of your loved one?
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theoldboiler
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Over the years of living with an alcoholic and attending AA for families, I have adopted a very hands off approach. I am not responsible for his choices. Fortunately he is not an angry alcoholic. Having said that, our marriage has been destroyed, but we have been able sustain a good friendship where I assist him when he asks, but I lead my own life and do not concern myself with what he is doing. I do this because I respect the person he use to be prior to becoming alcoholic and destroying his health. He does not drive because he still drinks. I take him to doctor appointments, grocery store, etc. I believe it is typical of a spouse to want to have control, they feel they can keep the alcoholic from drinking, and that the alcoholic needs to be controlled because they are clearly out of control. Ultimately the responsibility is not theirs. It is difficult to understand this and live with this. Also, there is a fine line between enabling the alcoholic and being their caregiver. I would recommend having a conversation with your spouse to find out what his concerns are about the things delivered to your house. What is he worried about? Does he think it is alcohol, or maybe he just wants to know what money is being spent? The best gift you can give to him is to let him know none of this is his responsibility or fault, because the spouses often feel that way. Blessings to you for asking the question, I hope you are able to find your way back to good health.
Your relationship with alcohol may really have affected your husbands trust and maybe his over protective manner is how he is dealing in trying to keep you away from alcohol. But as you say you are on a healthier path now so even though you feel housebound try to get outdoors, gardening or helping in your smaller community. See if you can join or start up some groups with others, there are so many people out there that might just fancey the company with a cuppa and chat, be strong there is so much you can do if you put your mind to it. Xx
Some villages these days run a low frequency timetable community bus scheme (as so many Counties have curtailed public bus services to villages).
Other villages (through their Parish or District Councils) have volunteer Good Neighbour schemes to help with essential transport to medical appointments and community befriending and volunteering etc.
In villages without either of the above services; the The Age UK might be worth contacting as they run a Telephone Friendship Service and a Face To Face Befriending Service (their webpage has a postcode search box to help people find out about services available in their area:
Even if your area were to not offer many of the above such options, there is also the free, national Age UK Advice Line 0800 678 1602 (365 days a year from 8 am to 7 pm), as they describe it: "If you're feeling lonely or need some practical help and support".
Many of their services are in support of people aged 55 and over.
An example of a lessor known service they offer in many areas is: Foot Care if you are housebound:
Another organisation you could explore (whether as a potential new volunteer, or to benefit from their services), is the Royal Voluntary Service. In some areas they help people to get to / from social activities and in other areas they act as a sort of enablement bridge - to link people up with other community groups in your wider area:
Many a county has a local Recovery College - where courses for adults are usually free (usually in partnership with a Health Trust) and delivered either online or locally in person. Many courses are around maintaining wellbeing and supporting mental health. Other courses are in support of people who are recovering from alcohol or substance abuse. Sometimes there might be courses of interest to people who are Neurodivergent or perhaps manage an eating disorder. Some courses are aimed at Family Members / Carers (to educate and support them too). Recovery College is sometimes effectively the outreach programme to follow on from adult mental health services and are accessible to people without the need for a GP referral and the courses are all free.
If your county does not run a Recovery College; there is a NationalRecovery College Online. This is open to people aged 13 and over. Again the focus of courses is to support recovery of wellbeing and mental health. These courses tend to be shorter than those st s county recovery college e.g. there is a 2 hour course about Dealing With Loneliness, a 1.5 hour course on Delirium Awareness, a 9 hour corse on Recovery: The New Me, and loads more. As with the county versions, you do not need a referral.
In our area the local Integrated Care Board (ICB) runs various monthly online forums to bring people together around a particular theme of lived experience - sometimes abbreviated to EbE - meaning you are actually an Expert By Experience as a patient (Service User) or family member (Carer) of a range of NHS services (including physical and mental health). Participating in such a forum online from home can be a low cost way of establishing a sense of community among like-minded people as you work together (online) to help improve NHS services in your area by applying your experience of navigating the local NHS services. People who take part as an EbE may also find that the forum connection forms a useful part of their recovery journey. In some ICBs; their will be an Involvement or Experience Team who support the coordination of such groups and EbEs.
The recent data analysis (May 2023) meant that the NHS says that up to 2 million people in England are housebound or spend most of their time indoors - so nobody housebound should be shy about reaching out for support (as you you will not be alone in facing that challenge).
Wow, that is amazing, there is so much food for thought there and thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to post this. I hope it helps other people too. Thank you Thank you
It sure is a tough one ! My wife is a recovering alcoholic and thankfully after nearly losing her during covid as she battled with everything we are now doing well and she is back to enjoying our garden etc doing the weekly shopping ,meeting friends for coffee etc,and we are getting there which takes a massive amount of trust, patience, and conversation from both sides plus amazing help and support from all our friends & family. Those dark days of the past still haunt me and will never go away, when I used to come home from work at random times and finish early etc , and go looking for the hiding places after shopping day and trips up to our local shop plus all the dreadful rows and awful times that followed. Thankfully , that evil person has left our house now and I'm so pleased I have the woman I married back!But as you know, it' s not easy , we have been together 42 years, with the early years being great but remaining 10 - 15 years of that were very tough and seem such a sad waste now but after the final big scare during covid and no alcohol since I feel more confident and we live everyday like it's our last but still find myself on my guard which feels awful sometimes.
You are saying things my husband does and had to do the things he did. I nearly died twice from major bleeds (not joking, they said only 50% survive ones as bad and I had two) and I know he is daily scared I may go back to what I was. Probably always will be which is dreadful for both of us. He too said he had his wife back so I will take the advice being given and make more of an effort to rebuild my life without driving and stop moping about it. Thank you all
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Update on hubby
No more pain...
Bleeding
Struggling with life
