Can't stop worrying

[Startingmyjourney]

I have been a heavy drinker for around 14 years. At least a bottle of 11% white wine a night in the early years, then a bottle and a glass in the latter years sometimes up to 2 bottles on special occasions or weekends, which has led me to here. I knew I was drinking too much, I knew I was gambling with my health, but I was functioning, kept down a highly paid job etc etc, didn't drink before 6pm, ever. So I convinced myself I was just a normal working women winding down everyday everyday. But I knew that was a lie to myself.

I started getting small I would say spider anomalies on my face, but they never had a do dot in the middle so they were probably broken capillaries, anyway it took vanity for me to start realising this was my body saying something's not right.

I went to my GP, was very open about my drinking, explained I couldn't/didn't think I could stop. The advice was to cut down by 10% a day. The problem I had with that was that first class convinces you the rest is worth it, so it didn't work.

So I pushed for full blood test / LFT , I wanted to shock myself.

Weirdly it's not got ast result in it but my ALT came back high (81) and a few other things like cholesterol levels, but everything was marked satisfactory, no need to speak with me.

I wasn't having this, so then after speaking to the liver nurses on the site, pushed for an ultrasound. This happened last week and they said I had a 'diffusely bright liver', conclusion fatty liver. I know this is due to alcohol and I'm petrified of the next step (which my doctor hadn't even called me about so I'm doing it myself, but a fibroscan) I'm petrified I've got fibrosis or worst cirrhosis.

Don't laugh, but I've stopped drinking for 2 days and I'm probs off myself, that's the first time in 14 years, but the anxiety is crazy and I don't know what to do with myself. I'm not even sure what life will be like without drink. My partner says I shouldn't go cold turkey, but one will set me off too more and I can be cunning.

Basically I think I'm asking, would the ultrasound not have shown up anything worse that a fatty liver? And could that fatty liver been there for 14 years?

I need to stop googling too so wanted to speak with people that have potentially been in my shoes.

Any advice welcomed, and I know no one is a doctor here xx

[Sunnyskies33]

I've just recently been diagnosed with nonalcohic fatty liver. My ultrasound showed it was fatty. The fibroscan showed what percent fatty change and another score for scarring (or not). The good news is the liver is very forgiving and can heal with a healthy diet, exercise, avoidance of harmful things like alcohol and weight loss if needed. You may have no scarring but even if you do, in many cases it is completely reversible if the conditions that created the harm are removed.

[Grassroots112]

First of all, a massive congratulations on going 2 days sober, 2 days may not seem like a long time, but as any heavy drinker will know, it bloody well is so you should be proud of yourself for first realising you’re drinking too much, secondly need to cut it down and thirdly are now actively doing just that.

A fatty liver can be reversed with a healthy diet, good old exercise and abstaining or cutting right down on the alcohol. Obviously if you have a fatty liver and continue to drink the amounts you have done, your liver will suffer the most for it and can lead to more advanced forms of liver disease, including cirrhosis.

You don’t have that right now though, so that’s a great starting point to go off from and now start living a more healthier lifestyle in terms of diet and the booze. Quitting drinking cold Turkey is never recommended, so be careful and alcohol causes anxiety levels to increase massively on its own, this will be worse when quitting, but should pass for you hopefully.

Regarding further scans and tests, that’s something only your doctor will be able to determine if you need, if you’re concerned, don’t be shy in pushing for more tests and scans. Even if it’s just to put your mind at ease as health anxiety is very real also and this is your health at the end of the day so while some doctors may think you don’t need this or that, go for it if it makes you feel more comfortable.

Don’t Google unless it’s for research purposes regarding how to improve your liver via diet, exercise etc., you will only scare yourself and there is far too much misinformation and downright wrong information about liver disease full stop on there. You do need to cut down your drinking as that will likely be the main source of any liver issues, I have to abstain for life myself because if the damage I have done to my liver through drinking which means if I restarted again, my liver won’t recover as it as a second time, but having a fatty liver doesn’t mean you will have to which I know people struggle with the idea of, but try and give yourself a month off if you can and go from there.

You have made the right start, however, and the hardest thing to do is admitting you have a problem with alcohol and doing something about it. You are doing just that so well done, keep it up, good luck and take care.

[Smegmer]

You have stopped for 2 days already, so you shouldnt have withdrawls at this stage. Keep up what you are doing, there is a life after Alcohol. You have recognised its escalatory path and done something about it. It would have soon been 2 bottles everyday.

[Mkttyy in reply to Smegmer]

Ahh. I disagree with the withdrawals(respectfully). I had withdrawls for 4-5 days like 18 hours from the moment I start to ween. Everyone’s body is different.

[Smegmer in reply to Mkttyy]

Medically accepted that the first 48 hours are the most dangerous for witdrawls from alcohol. Entirely up to you what you want to believe. But you do state "18 hours", which agrees with what im saying anyway.

[Grassroots112 in reply to Smegmer]

I was medically detoxed, but I know others who have went cold Turkey and they were still having withdrawal symptoms a week in. I was also told I may or may not suffer some form of acute withdrawal even a year into my sobriety which I think I’ve had and were kind of mental/emotional withdrawals rather than physical and tied in with the darker, colder wintery nights and especially around the festive period/New Year.

I tried going cold Turkey myself once or twice and more than a few times I’ve tried to ween myself off of it and I honestly thought I was going to die during the whole process and I’m certain had I not went into hospital when I did and received the amazing level of treatment and care I did, my cremated remains would be in a vase resting on my mantle piece by now

It can be done of course and more power to those that do so, but for the OP please be extra careful and make sure someone is with you especially at night time and when you sleep. I remember when I was doing a cold Turkey attempt and I could feel myself losing consciousness that wasn’t sleep related, it scared the hell out of me to the point I went over 30 hours without sleep straight until I couldn’t take it anymore and then I sunk a few whiskies which knocked me out.

Again to the OP, good luck, you’ve made a great start and you’ve asserted a level of power over alcohol by saying no which is the most difficult of tasks to do on a road to cutting down or staining full stop.

What I found worked for me during the times I desperately wanted a drink was I’d go for walks, a drive, read, cook and pour over photos of myself in hospital, yellow, bloated with ascites and looking like a corpse. Today I look at my latest bloods, LFTs, how I look in the mirror and look around at my wife and kids and that’s all I need to crush any lingering thoughts of alcohol. You’ve got this, you can do this, you have to because any damage to your liver will only get worse.

Even a month off will likely see a vast improvement in your LFTs, bloods and especially your general well-being, physically and mentally.

[Smegmer in reply to Grassroots112]

2 days clear and was on about 8Units a day, I would say a severe case of delirium tremens for OP are very unlikely. If she was on a bottle of Vodka a day then that is a whole different scenario. OP wasnt phyically addicted at the time of stopping, ergo no acute withdrawls.

[Grassroots112 in reply to Smegmer]

Yes and I must confess my situation was kind of different in terms of the level of alcohol and type I was consuming which was 3 70cl bottles of good whiskey a week at least. When I tried going cold turkey I had awful tremors in my hands and my whole body would shake and then my heart would race and I would always feel like any minute now I’d pass out. I was also sick a few times and had awful headaches and terrible sweating which I wouldn’t usually suffer from. My own GP and the alcohol and drug recovery place I attended also told me to cut down by a quarter of a bottle if I was to drink a full bottle in a day and then down to half and so on. It obviously never worked nor did measuring my shots and in the end I started drinking my whiskey neat which is when I started vomiting it back up. That was a week or so before I was hospitalised.

[Smegmer in reply to Grassroots112]

Many try tapering down at home with no medical advice. If I were at a point of physical addiction, I would definantely want some medical supervision.

[Startingmyjourney in reply to Smegmer]

But that comes with taking time off work and or a hefty private rehab fee which many can't do or afford. All I get from the GP is call a helpline or read a leaflet

[10864]

Sending massive congratulations for not only working this out for yourself, but even pushing against the nonchalance you faced from your GP! That takes a strong person so you should be so proud of yourself!!

From an alcoholic who has been sober 3.5yrs and also turned round suspected cirrhosis (probably was actually F3 fibrosis with alcoholic hep/ HE), I suspect you have avoided becoming physically addicted as you would very quickly (as in within 4-6 hrs) have felt a physical reaction to the lack of alcohol - severe sweats, clamminess, shakes beyond anything you’ve had before, sometimes stomachs cramps etc. You are right to stop “cold turkey” because you’ve already done it.

What you now have is the mental addiction - you are now battling a mental craving for the “thing” you did every evening. A glass in hand, your brain thinks it NEEDS this to unwind, to relax, to sleep, “we deserve it”. Try to find something else to do during your evening - some people go to the gym, a walk, a hobby like knitting, reading with a brew - me, I clean and prep food for the next day then binge Netflix!! Your anxiety is coming from a place of having a clear head for the first time in a while and having time to over think things - don’t do the oddest thing now and pick up a drink to avoid thinking about the damage those drinks have done..

You are right to do all you can to alleviate health anxieties - get your fibroscan, stay off alcohol for 6 months then get your bloods repeated - I’m absolutely sure getting those improved results will make it all worthwhile and be enough to help you live a happy sober life.

Sorry for long post, I hadn’t even read other replies!, but wanted to say PLEASE PLEASE ignore advice about not going cold turkey - you have not had alcohol for 48 hours and did not experience, from what I read, any physical reactions - you just need to find an alternative way to spend your time….

It may obvious from my reply but I highly recommend checking out your local AA meeting but they’re not for everyone - you’ve done so well whatever.

Take care, stay strong against that first drink

X

[Startingmyjourney in reply to 10864]

Thank you so much I'm heading into day 4, I never ever thought I could do this, every time I was told to just cut down by a glass a day, and that never worked. The only side effect so far is a night sweat last night, and anxiety but I'm blessed so far that is it. I've looked up couch to 5k as my next plan to help, I know the biggest battle is my mental connection with the source now, not the physical, albeit after 14 years solid drinking is a miracle I've not had a bad withdrawal but not counting my chickens yet. The British liver trust nurses on the phone and this forum is keeping me going like never before!

[G0newiththealc0hol in reply to Startingmyjourney]

I have alcoholic cirrhosis. It's what made me stop drinking after over 20 years of most days. If you have stopped 2 days you are ok to stop cold turkey. Please use my experience to feel lucky and stop drinking. Life is better. Sober podcasts are my support network. Be strong and good luck x

[Grassroots112 in reply to Startingmyjourney]

4 days that’s great, truly amazing, you’ve got this and next you’ll know it will be a week, 2 weeks and so on. You may not know this, but you sharing your story and journey will actually help others in a similar situation and inspire people reading on. I’m just over 18 months sober myself and I’m reading you going 4 days cold Turkey and I’m thinking wow, you’re going to smash this. Well done, trully 👏

[Startingmyjourney in reply to 10864]

Ps are you fully recovered now? Would be good to hear off you are as this makes it all worthwhile!

[Poppy234]

i’m amazed you were told to cut down by a glass day. You are right not to. I’ve watched somebody drink for many years now and so many times he’s tried to cut down and it does not work ever. It always goes back up. And also he was on similar amounts and can stop just like that for awhile if really tries. He has no withdrawal symptoms. But I would say that he always starts drinking again and then it quickly goes back up to the same level so I would say you need a real good support network around you to keep off it. I would try some local recovery groups. I think it can take a long time to get easier but it will get easier at some point.

[Startingmyjourney in reply to Poppy234]

Yes both doctor and drink aware app helplines said that, I think they were worried about withdrawal symptoms, but it was never going to work with me, it was all or nothing

[AIHinSantaCruz]

Bravo!! Three (non-alcoholic) cheers to you AND to all the wonderful people weighing in to support your efforts. My liver disease is Auto Immune so not caused by drinking, but I was a happy daily drinker, am told no amount of alcohol is safe for me ever, and I still miss it. In my case the Auto Immune Hep fatigue is so debilitating that I've shifted my (compulsive?) routine to drinking boatloads of coffee instead! Not great for other parts of my body perhaps, but gives me something to look forward to and a nice caffeine buzz!