hello all - looking for other experiences

[NorbertGrubbins]

{added after reading this -trigger warnings for pretty much everything]

hello everyone - don’t worry - this is hopefully a calm normal post rather than recent more difficult ones

I am not looking for diagnosis or for professional help (this is trying to happen seperately) because this isn’t the purpose - we are an incredibly supportive and real group of people here who I increasingly feel are underserved because ‘liver damage is a failure of personal control’ (for many, not all) - so al the usual health stuff that supports pathology etc is seemingly lacking

so…

I have been struggling badly - i was sober for several years after a diagnosis of cirrhosis and some pretty serious skin grafts but my mental health has plummeted at the same time (ha, take that, received wisdom [Gallows humour time]). for two weeks i have barely slept and have resorted to drinking (i know this is a bad thing and please don’t do this). I don’t see options. I hate my brain, which is screaming at me most of the time. And it is stopping me living. And … so many things

I was seriously neglected, physically beaten and abused as a child, experienced poverty etc, and still got a doctorate and had a professional career for a while - but I don’t get people,, get angry and upset and have bad relationships. Except my dog and he seems ill and I’m terrified he is ill because of me. I cannot be there for my beautiful partner and her family.

I feel so vulnerable and i think i would be like by institutionalised again but there aren’t the resources (and writing this makes so much sense except i would lose the dog). Perhaps serous medication - but because of my profession I know that meds are bad for me and unlikely to work.

So it turned into a rant. That wasn’t the purpose.

[Grassroots112]

Hi and sorry you are going through this right now and rant away. You know you can’t drink again and how destructive that is in every way and I certainly won’t lecture you about drinking, but please please please seek other avenues of support and help if you can and not alcohol. Do you have any friends or family close by you can perhaps speak to or even visit and stay with while you are vulnerable?

And speaking of vulnerable, it’s OK to be that way, you’ve been through hell and back it seems, but you’ve come through it and so you can do so again I’m sure and I’m willing that you do.

Life might suck right now, but try and remain hopeful of better days to come, think back and consider all the achievements you’ve already undertaken, dealing with your previous traumas, dealing with your diagnosis, dealing with quitting alcohol and everything that brings and staying sober for so long.

You gained a doctorate, I can only imagine how hard that was, but what an achievement. You can do this. If you need to rant away or jot down your thoughts and feelings this is what this place is for so go for it. I cannot offer any real actual help or advice really other than just to say stick in there OK, take care and good luck.