A small hello and good bye: Hello to all... - British Liver Trust

British Liver Trust

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A small hello and good bye

Billie246 profile image

Hello to all,

I’ve been a very quiet member of this group but t want to say for the last few months your many posts have wise, uplifting and a few times sad.

My partner was diagnosed with a decompensated liver in July. He’s been very ill with numerous drain, weight loss and a bleed. I did my utmost to keep him on track with a change of diet, positive words and giving him things to look forward too. Got him regular contact with his son, and even bought him a car and a dog to keep him upbeat.

He started drinking again (I think he has been all the through if I’m honest about it, sniffing petrol in my garage and smoking weed. When I found myself in tears about it all on Friday I realised that I just can’t fix him and he’s not helping himself so I asked him to leave my house and he has.

Do I feel guilty? Yes.

Do I feel relieved? Yes.

Could I have done more? No.

The point is that you guys have given my support throughout this journey (but you wouldn’t know this).

Please continue to help those who want to help themselves.

Love and peace to each and everyone of you xxx

24 Replies

Hi. Many of us on here will understand what you have been through and empathise with you. You have made a difficult choice and I respect you for the strength it will have taken to make it. I hope you find peace and love and wish you well. Best wishes, K 😘💙

Hello Billie,

I am so sad to read of your situation. What you have had to do, ultimately, is extremely difficult but I am certain that you have made the right decision. You can't help some people, no matter how hard you try and goodness knows, you have tried your utmost.

Stay strong and move on with the next chapter of your life. Take care of you now. I am sure Laura will be along and she will be a tower of strength for you, she is a lovely lady.

Sending you virtual (((hugs))) for now and the future.

Jackie xx

You can not save someone who is not willing to take part in their own rescue. You have shown amazing courage. I wish you all the best!!😊

How sad for both you and your Partner. However, you can’t help someone who won’t/can’t help themselves. This is where Laura’s realistic views are vital as she was in the same position as you. I hope and pray your Partner now realises the gravity of his health and can access the medical support he deserves.

Take care.

Billie

Sometimes you can give consistent love and support and you will actually pull someone through, sometimes you can do just that and you are innocently enabling them.

The only big variable is the person on the receiving end. You can not plan for or predict it.

You've achieved an honorably honest position that's right for you and maybe for them in the long run.

You matter. Reaching out here is to your credit. Keep doing so if you're up to it and of course if the need arises.

I’m really sorry to read your post. It’s important that you look after yourself at the moment. Good diet, bit of fresh air, treats, early nights, nice warm baths and go on....a bit of chocolate and some rubbish telly! It’s tough ending any relationship but doubly difficult in the situation you describe. The first thing to say is that there is no right or wrong answer. The next is that having been diagnosed with decompensated cirrhosis he has a choice, continue drinking and die, stop drinking and change his lifestyle and live. It really is as simple as that. Only he can decide, however much you try and persuade him it won’t work. I was diagnosed with cirrhosis in March 2021, I was admitted with a deep rooted infection and was diagnosed in hospital. I was pretty sick and very nearly didn’t make it out. Since then I’ve had to turnaround my life...stopped drinking, eating a healthy diet, exercising and taking my meds. I’m now well compensated, normal bloods and feeling well. My consultant is saying keep doing what you’re doing and you’ll live a pretty normal life as long as you pay attention to your body and don’t go near alcohol. No one could tell me to do this, and a lot of people tried in the past. Since I stopped drinking I’ve been in a number of situations where I could have drunk - just for a night- social occasions, a wedding and in a stressful situation with my ex partner around a house sale. I haven’t touched a drop. Normally my old friend wine would have been making a central appearance, but not now. So sadly, only he can make up his mind. You have to take very good care of yourself, that’s very important. You’ll always get help and support on here from my experience. I don’t see too many unanswered posts!

Hi Billie, I'm sorry you are in this situation.

As Chrisw740 said, you don't know if giving someone support is helping them or enabling them. I personally feel guilty for not leaving my husband - giving him countless 'second' chances actually enabled him to drink himself to liver failure!

Hopefully your decision to leave him will shake him up! x

Thank you and thank you all for your honesty and taking the time to reply. It’s so tough, well done and massive admiration to the ones who want to continue xxx

some very lovely supportive replies to you Billie, I myself tried and tried to help a good friend of mine in the same way but unfortunately he chose not to listen and the inevitable happened Stay strong, look after yourself, you will have a roller coaster of emotions but sometimes you can't help someone who does not want to help themselves

Sending big hugs your way ..

Linda x ❤

Hi Billie. Totally understand how you feel. You truely have done everything in your power to try to fix your partner but you have reached your limit. Maybe just maybe, without you your partner will realise what he's lost and turn his life around . Either way it's your time now, closing that immensely difficult chapter of your life. Be free, live the new happy life you deserve. All the very best for your future. With love. Laura xx

All life is important, including yours, you only get one, enjoy what time you have. Your decision and action, in my eyes, was the right one for yourself and your partner. Small circles and steps will see you through. Bravo and how brave you have been

Hugs and love. May your journey be peaceful and you are able to find yourself again. I’m sure you are exhausted and broken. I am sorry. Nothing left to do but pick up the pieces. I pray your partner will eventually find life without addiction and live with purpose.

Hi Billie I was the drinker in our marriage and looking back I put my wife through hell I was so lucky that she stayed with me, I was what is called a working alcoholic,always worked but drank all the time. I have many times been asked when did I become an alcoholic and the same answer I don’t know , but like everyone said the person that has the problem has to make the decision to help themselves you sound like you have done everything you could do now it’s his turn and you must remember to keep yourself well and safe. I hope he does realise what he has lost and gets help. Good luck with the rest of your life I really hope it turns out great because you have given so much to help your ex. Good luck 👍Stay Safe All

Dogbot 🐶🌈

Hello Billie,

I just wanted to commend you on making this hard decision. The adage that comes to mind is, “You can save some of the people some of the time, but you can’t save all the people all of the time”.

When addiction takes hold as in this case, the person is now drinking because they have to. It isn’t a person choosing whether to drink or not, it’s no longer just a craving or desires it has become a MUST. This is now a mental disorder. One of the other conditions that come with this is narrow vision. A person in this situation just cannot imagine a life without alcohol. It consumes their life and they hate every minute of it. They have become lost, they push away the people that mean so much to them, but in doing so, they are left feeling empty and alone. They are now in a dark, unhappy place. Alcohol is their only friend.

When we look back, we look to apportion blame and search for answers. We question our own behaviour and search for answers. During this time we can experience every emotion going. We feel hurt, betrayal, anger, bitterness and pain. This is after all a time of bereavement. But then on the other side of the coin, we still feel a connection and have a willingness to want to make things better, and hope that one day, things will change and go back to normal.

You have had to face up to reality. Your life and health are also important, and sometimes all we can do is to walk away. You know that saying, “What doesn’t break you, makes you stronger”. That’s what you have now done, you’ve found that inner strength in yourself to face up to this nightmare and deal with it. That takes a lot of doing, so well done you.

I’m not sure if living through this has changed you as a person in any way. But, those of us who have experience of situations like this, use these experiences to hopefully help others. You too could help and offer support to others.

There are many others out there with whom you could relate experiences with. Having that empathy is a strong supporting tool. Instead of leaving, why not stick around and hopefully offer help and support to others?

You could become a second Laura. While this isn’t an alcohol support group site, per se there is a strong link between alcohol abuse and liver disease. Alcohol abuse is on the increase so why not stick around and put your own living nightmare experiences to some good?

Once again, well done for making that hard decision. It speaks volumes about your character, and of you as a person.

Good Luck

Richard.

I think I will stick around to help- thank you everyone xxx

That's great Billie xx

Trust9 profile image
Trust9Partner

Hello Billie246,

Thank you for coming here to bravely talk about this - I can see our lovely forum have offered lots of support and shared experiences and we thank all the forum members also for reaching out and sharing.

I am sure this thread may resonate with a lot of our members.

Our forum can be a great support and comfort.

Thank you all.

Trust9

Billie, you have my heartfelt thoughts for what you had to do. I’m sure it wasn’t easy but in the end, you must save yourself. You are wide and brave. Don’t forget that, ever.

Well done billie, your very brave and strong, i take my hat off to you, you couldn't have done no more to help him, he's got to be the one who wants to stop and kick the habit, no matter how hard you try it wont work untill they are ready. I've been trying for years to change my husband with no success, I've left him and thrown him out loads of times, but he always comes back in the end, i wish i had your strength, but i havent, i always feel guilty and i give in every time. I know deep down he's never gonna change, and to be honest he don't want too either, he's on a downward spiral now , its only going to end one way unfortunately for him.

Well done for having the strength and courage to put you first, your free from the living nightmare now so live your life the way you want to and enjoy every minute.

Kind regards to you

. Julie xc

Oh Julie, it’s so difficult 😥

Hi Billie, I’m afraid to say that I really think you were left with little choice from what you have shared. I’m sure a lot of us alcoholics know that it is only us that can change things by giving up and making different choices.

It does not matter how many times we are told about the damage, the hurt, the health warning signs….we blindly forge on and convince ourselves we can continue drinking. The drive to drink can be quite unbearable but I do so hope that this will be a wake up call for them to make the change.

There are many of us who have, but it is oh so hard, not going to lie.

Please do not feel guilty at all. It is not you who has chosen to continue to drink despite his body telling him it’s done with the drink, it is wholly his choice.

Work on rebuilding your life and take real good care of yourself.

Archie

I found out yesterday that he didn’t take his medication with him. It’s all so tragic 😢

I'm so, so sorry x

I completely empathize with you on so many levels. Sometimes the people we love just cannot or will not help themselves and I think you are very strong to have come to this decision. It's up to your partner now to get himself the help he needs. You have tried your utmost.

I know I came within inches of doing the same thing with my husband, not because I didn't love him any more but because I couldn't bare to watch what he was doing (and had done) to himself. I also felt extreme guilt every time I threatened divorce. Heck, I told my husband I wanted a divorce and reduced him to tears just 5 days before he died - how's that for a guilt trip!

But my point is... please try not to feel guilty. None of this is your fault. Addiction is a horrible, horrible thing that affects so many more people than the addict. No one who hasn't been through this can understand quite how heart wrenching it all is. I wish you the very best x

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