Having a bad time

[eileenet49]

I'm wondering if it's worthwhile anymore.

Feeling pretty sorry for myself.

I have alcohol related cirrhosis (self inflicted I know), COPD and am very overweight.

I could probably cope with this but I'm also very worried about my husband who appears to have dementia which seems to be getting worse.

He doesn't think there's anything wrong with him but his daughters, sister and brother in law have all noticed it as have my family (we're on our second marriage after both being widowed in 2004.)

I'm really at my wits end and don't know what to do about it.

I managed get him to talk to a nurse about it in October and an appointment was made for him to do a memory test. He didn't want me to go in with him but said he had scored 23 out of 30 which he said was a little below average. But won't talk about it anymore.

Doctors won't discuss it with me as he has to give permission first.

He's with me virtually all the time so its difficult for me to talk to anyone about it.

I feel like running away at times and at others feel there is only one way out.

He seems to be getting worse. An example is him asking me 4 times what we were doing the next day and then having to tell him again in the morning. He seems to be kind of lost, distant more often and is very slow. He also seems to have lost interest in everything.

I appreciate there may be nothing that can be done for him but feel it would help to know what we're facing.

How do I concentrate in getting myself better and trying to keep him safe as well?

Sorry for moaning but it does help a little to unload. It hasn't driven me back to drink, yet.

[Positive001]

Oh Eileen life reallly does throw us some hurdles sometimes doesn't it ? I think it is essential that you are given permission to speak to the doctor about your husband's health. So what l would do it have a letter already written out ready for him to sign, then sit down with him and explain in simple terms that you are both getting older and will face some health problems so it is essential that we both give the doctor's written permission to discuss each others illnesses with him/her, otherwise we won't know how best to care for each other will we ? A bit of gentle persuasion may work better than getting uptight with him and reach a point where you can slide the letter and pen across the table for him to sign. I think if he understands you want him to be informed of your conditions aswell as you of his, he may be more willing to give consent. Don't automatically assume it's dementia, he could need a brain scan to rule out a tumour if his score really was 23/30.I wish you luck Eileen. Stay strong lovely.

Laura xx

[eileenet49 in reply to Positive001]

Hi Laura and thank you very much for your reply.

Is the letter you're referring to the same as a medical power of attorney please?

I must admit I haven't really thought about anything but dementia. The test he had was in October last year but he has deteriorated quite a bit since then. He does still have quite good days though.

His first wife died from a brain tumour, it is possible that is what he's secretly thinking I suppose.

Rosepetal, below, has also suggested B12 deficiency.

I just think that if I knew what the problem was I could face it and help him best I can.

I try my best not to get short with him and to not keep correcting him, not sure if that's the right way to go but I dont want him to be frightened to speak.

Life,

Eileen x

[Positive001 in reply to eileenet49]

I will send you a private massage xx

[Rosepetal60]

Your husband could have a vitamin B12 deficiency causing memory & concentration problems etc. I’ve sent you a PM.

[Herman7275]

I agree wholeheartedly with Laura, sounds like the best decision in trying to help your husband and yourself. Good lick and stay strong and hopeful. Ron

[eileenet49 in reply to Herman7275]

Thank you very much.

[Herman7275 in reply to eileenet49]

Yes not sure what more I can help you with, but if so ask me anytime.Ron

[eileenet49 in reply to Herman7275]

Thank you.

[Rshc]

I am so sorry you have such a lot to deal with . Firstly you never need to qualify your cirrhosis as self inflicted - it is never as simple as that and there are countless illnesses that are caused or affected by what we put into our bodies. Don't beat yourself up about it. It is so important to keep yourself as well as you can with everything you are going through, I hope you have some support. With regards to your partner - it is always so much worse when you don't know what you are dealing with, particularly because you cannot access any support right now as you don't know what is wrong with him. Perhaps put emphasis on the fact it could be something easily treatable or managed, things are not always the very worst scenario.

[eileenet49 in reply to Rshc]

Thank you so much

[Readlots]

Hi, I’m so sorry to hear how down you are feeling. I know you’ve said your main concern is your husband, and others have advised on that, but I think it would be worth you having a chat to your GP about how you’re feeling in yourself. You’ve said you fell like running away - perhaps you do actually need a break from it all. Could you take a weekend away with a friend or relative? Or a holiday. Sometimes just being away from the situation gives us a different perspective and helps us cope.

Please don’t give up hope, it sounds as if you’ve got a caring family around you. They may just need to be asked to step in and help you. Could one of his children have a chat to your husband about letting you be involved in his medical appointments.

It’s a good idea for everyone to get powers of attorney sorted out for care and finances. That might be a way or starting a difficult conversation and involving your children. You could do it for both of you that it’s not just about him and your concerns about dementia. There’s lots of information on gov.uk.

[eileenet49 in reply to Readlots]

Thank you for all of your suggestions and listening.

[Readlots]

Always happy to listen. I’m a bit of a fixer, so feel free to take or ignore my suggestions - Go with what works for you and your husband. But make sure you look after you first. Put your own life jacket on before you try to save someone else. I hope you have a a better week this week. Big hug

[ladytibbie]

Hi Eileen

First of all well done on keeping your soberiety at such a difficult time , that’s huge . I would suggest if you feel his condition is deteriorating that you contact social work who have a duty of care , to come and assess him. From there they can get you the right kind of support and give you advice too. Wish you all the best xxx