What is the best way to warn loved ones?

[Danubian]

So - a dear person I know has been drinking every day for decades, but can still hold down a demanding job. I have told him to be careful. I could send him a nasty picture, but don't want him to turn into a hypochondriac like me - what is the best way to warn people of the dangers of excessive alcohol consumption? Thanks!

[Str8jacket]

What would have worked for me: any scientific article discussing the risk of developing cirrhosis after ten or even fewer years of heavy drinking. I would have been grateful for a timely warning based on scientific evidence.

[Danubian in reply to Str8jacket]

Thanks!

[Hidden in reply to Danubian]

Have you read Gnillos post? I had written my hubbies story here so many times now. Gnillo told me he has it on his phone as a permenant reminder of what can happen by drinking yourself to death. Having that story in his face every time he picks up his phone is keeping him off the booze. I only wish my hubby knew that what happened to him is encouraging others to quit the booze for good. Laura xx

[Hidden in reply to Str8jacket]

An addict with cirrhosis and suffering with HE wouldn't be capeable of reading much less understanding any written scientific evidence."Get out of the house " ( said by me... the wife) and "Carry on drinking and you will die( from the specialists) was enough to eventually stop my husband and a 1 to 1 councellor.

[Str8jacket in reply to Hidden]

I just wrote what would have convinced me to stop--my own subjective view, not meant to apply to everyone. Depending on who one is trying to reach, the message could probably be presented accordingly. And some folks perhaps can't be reached as you point out.

[Zazadancing in reply to Hidden]

If the person can still hold a demanding job(read the post), I’m sure they can read an article.

[Richard-Allen]

I'm sending you a private message.

[Lils2019]

Hi,Nothing worked in the case of my husband, I tried talking, yelling, screaming, shouting, even showed him people that had suffered due to alcohol, made absolutely no difference whatsoever.

They have to want to quit.

I refused to buy his alcohol when I went shopping, and during the last couple of years I stopped covering up his mess he created, and let him deal with the consequences of his drinking. I went back to work full time, and left him to it, although I could see something serious was going to happen and I always said it will take something serious to make him stop.

Roll on to last summer, June 2020, he started vomiting blood, lots of it, admitted to hospital and ended up in ICU with complications. Feb 2021, repeat of last summer, readmitted back into hospital.

He hasn’t been diagnosed just yet, had bloods done, fibroscan, and due a repeat endoscopy this Tuesday, he has oesophageal varies, portal hypertension, feels absolutely awful most days, gets easily confused, very poor appetite, has no energy, has a reverse sleeping pattern, and is generally very unwell at present, he has not touched a drop of alcohol in 10 months, and they dealt with the withdrawal in June last year.

[Hidden in reply to Lils2019]

My thoughts are with you Lils Laura xx

[Richard-Allen in reply to Lils2019]

Lils, you've been through so much, but what really amazes me is that you’ve stood by your husband. You’ve both been on this journey together. I wouldn’t mind betting that there have been some tough moments along the way.

You are in my book one of those unsung heroes who do marry for better or for worse. Hopefully now physically he’s turned a corner. What should also be considered is the mental aspect of all this. Many people start drinking for a reason, and over time the reason why they started drinking in the first place may become lost. There is sometimes a need to address the cause, and not just treat the symptom.

I wish you both good fortune and hope everything goes well for you both.

Best Wishes

Richard

[Lils2019 in reply to Richard-Allen]

Thank you Richard,It’s certainly not been easy that’s for sure, I’m pretty lucky that I’ve had a really good friend standing my by side, that was there for my kids when I couldn’t be, that has helped me through, that has listened to me rant, vent, and cry, I honestly don’t know how I would have got through this without her.

I’ve been through his history and I actually can’t pin point where it all went so wrong for him. He had a difficult childhood, but then so do others, I did, my brother did, (we lost our mother when we were children) I guess in some respects he used alcohol as a means of coping, avoiding the reality of life.

It is what it is unfortunately, and that’s life I guess, I’m quite a positive, placid person, and I just get on with stuff.

Agree with the Mental Health side also, I actually work with vulnerable adults with mental health issues and learning disabilities so totally understand why people do what they do and sometimes it’s as simple as using it to cope.

Endoscopy tomorrow, and consultation on Friday and then we will see where we go from there.

[Blackcat49]

Ultimately I think its down to your friend a very good friend of mine tried a number of times to get me to the Dr but i wouldn't go. Other friends had many comments over the years which I chose to ignore. Like I vividly remember drinking a pint of squash one evening and friends hubby said oh my god your on the squash. (as apposed to wine). Luckily for me something clicked nearly 2 years ago and there the journey began. Just recently had endoscopy and scan things are greatly improved including 2 normal range liver bloods which were really high in 2019. Which my consultant nurse and I did a little hurrah and clap to. It's hard to begin with but Ive stayed off. I was looking at liver damage sites long before I did anything about it, joined soberistas under probably 6 email addresses for the free trial and every night I vowed I wouldn't drink tomorrow but it took a desperate moment at a picnic on the beach to start the ball rolling at a and e. Good luck with supporting him I hope he's easier work than me. It's a life changer I would still be in bed now not replying on a forum Xx

[Hidden]

It’s a hard one, my husband knows what liver disease can do to a person through my health (autoimmune not alcohol) , yet he still has a drink issue. It is getting better after each episode but there is always another one. I can’t speak for all but I know that my husband was aware that he had a drinking problem but can’t accept he is an alcoholic.

[Bootandall in reply to Hidden]

Angela, l am in a similar situation as you. I have stage 2 cirrhosis from Hep C (from blood transfusion, due to having low platelets during chemotherapy treatment). It's maddening sometimes because I know if l get sicker, he will not be able to help me. We have been married nearly 21 years.

[Hidden in reply to Bootandall]

It is hard Bootandall not to resent them at times. He can be so caring and does look after me ,but on the other side he can blame my illnesses for us not doing stuff . In reality it is his drinking. We have not been together as long as you have , 8 years and married 5. We were together not long before diagnosis.

I see his drinking as an illness as well, one we beat and one at times beats us. He has stopped drinking again for now so I see all the other stuff . His anxiety ,which he would deny but like others on here ,he can convince himself he has messed up all his organs with drinking even though the doctor has said he is fine(he did tell gp about his drinking).

I know what you mean about feeling not included , I get that but more with friends . I know I’m not as much fun as I used to be but I am coping with the hand I have been dealt with . You take care xxx

[Bootandall in reply to Hidden]

Angel (sorry for calling you Angela 🤓) It can be a little boring to others when the pattern is unchanged lol, but venting is needed! I bet you're loads of fun, just not up to a great amount of running around.

My husband is very kind, smart (not book smart so much as he can figure out how things work, knows a tremendous lot about repairs, etc.) He doesn't realize how his drinking makes him "absent" somehow. It's great yours has quit. xx

[Hidden in reply to Bootandall]

Angela is fine ,it’s my name. 😄. He has for moment, I am aware that there is a good chance of relapse again but I can only hope. Yes, mine is kind too, not so good at fixing stuff though lol xx

[Bootandall in reply to Hidden]

Angela 😊 there is a lot to say for kindness. In fairness, mine isn't always kind when he's not sober, which is much too frequently.

[MLB_77]

Maybe buy the person the book “this naked mind” with just a short sweet card saying you care about the person, and are there for them.

The book is not a self-help and doesn’t preach sobriety. In fact, the author doesn’t even identify herself as a “sober person” (although sober).

It’s more about recognizing your relationship with alcohol, and science that goes along with it.

You can her many peoples “stories “ on her podcast and how the book changed their life amd mindsets

[Bootandall]

Your first priority is to tell your friend how much you care for him, speak from the heart and then give him some room.You're a great friend for taking the time!😉

[MLB_77]

Hi I wanted to let you know that the podcast “this naked mind” episode 44 is about how to talk to loved ones. It’s only 20 minutes long.

I had suggested the book (for him) but I thought this might be helpful for you