Hi everyone. I'm hoping to find some advice for my mother. She has been a big drinker my entire life (I'm mid 30s) perhaps longer. Her drinking and health has been worsening in the past few years (she is late 60s). In the past few weeks she has rapidly declined, I will list symptoms below. I'm just seeing if there is any advise of what I can do to help my family and I have spoken with her but she just tells me it too late and totally refuses to see a doctor.
I'm very aware that getting her to a doctor is essential and it is without doubt my priority however it is easier said than done. I can't force her and wouldn't want her to feel I have betrayed her in a time that I know she is already terrified.
I'm not expecting to find a miracle piece of advice that will cure this situation but I just need to do everything I can. Even if someone would be able to help me understand why this is happening it would help so much.Its so hard to watch and impossible to really understand.
Symptoms
- yellow skin including some cuts and bruises I have noticed
- complaining of sore itchy eyes and eyesight failing seems to be rapidly declining. Instances of her not being able to tell if the light is on or not.
- abdominal and leg/foot swelling
- she has said she has been constipated for several weeks
- almost zero appetite and complains of stomach cramps after eating even a small amount.
- extrema fatigue and spends much of the day in bed. Small tasks total exhaust her for sometime.
- very short and frustrated a lot.
- she continues to drink but at a vastly reduced amount as I don't believe she can physically take it anymore.
Any help will appreciate I'm really running out of hope and options.
Thanks
Written by
Concerned_son
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20 Replies
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I'm so sorry to hear that you are in this terrible position that so many of us have been in. Some on this board are still struggling likewise with their loved ones.
My husband had all of the same symptoms as your Mom less noticeable jaundice plus the terrible itching condition.
He was diagnosed with advanced cirrhosis late summer.
I'm not saying that is what your Mom has although it sure does sound liver damage related and there could be other issues.
It was hell trying to get my spouse to want to seek help.
He did finally get to that point when his abdominal swelling (ascites) became even too much for him. It was the cause of so many of the very uncomfortable symptoms your Mom is experiencing now.
I couldn't physically drag him to the hospital. Or maybe I could have but I didn't.
I knew that he was that sick and was terrified of losing him.
Until he made the decision to get help (knowing that they would say quit drinking which of course was the main reason he wouldn't go), I could only do so much. Water on his nightstand. Food available. Not bring alcohol in to the house. Have him elevate his swollen feet and ankles. When his health took this nosedive (like it sounds that your Mom's has), I asked him every day if he would like to go to the hospital now. One day he said yes!
It had to be his decision.
* I'd be interested to know too what was the straw that had others finally take their drinking problems as seriously as they needed to. Before it was too late. Did it take an emergency run to the hospital?
The good news is that there is hope and can even be a significant turnaround Once the party seeks help and receives medical attention.
The vision issues you describe could be vitamin deficiency related. This was the case with my husband and the issues were significant.
Perhaps the British Liver Trust team here can offer you some helpful suggestions finding a way to help your Mom help herself? They often suggest contacting them. Not sure about their holiday schedule.
Would your Mom refuse to go in for bloodwork to see why she is so tired and to see if she has a vitamin deficiency? (No mention of alcohol idea.) When she learns the results she might understand the severity of the situation and decide to want to feel/get better? Or a medical professional might say the right thing at the right time.
Again, so sorry that you are dealing with this scary situation. I hope that your Mom will seek help very soon.
Re your “*” - for me it was the Consultant saying stop drinking “or else”. “Or else” had a profound effect on me being a big coward at that time! I had been going to the docs for 30 odd years with various issuettes so I was lucky in the sense no one needed to ensure I went! But I had been advised several times to cut down on drinking but I mean there’s cut down and there’s cut down isn’t there! “Or else” are the prized words 👍.
Re symptoms did/does your husband have Diabetes? Many of the symptoms Concerned identifies are symptoms of Diabetes, as well as Liver disease... well they were for me...
Hoe did you cope? My husband was diagnosed with cirrhosis in July this year. Consultant has said absolutely no drinking. He did OK for a couple of months and is now back drinking again. Maybe it's the Christmas season. I get so frustrated and angry with him . Then I think well it's up to you. He thinks I don't know he's drinking, he thinks he's doing it in secret 🙄. We have hospital appointment in January so hopefully they will be more firm and direct about the illness.
That’s very sad 😕. But it isn’t “up to him” - hate to say this but you have got to make sure he realises how utterly selfish he is being and the devastating effect it will have on both of your lives. Seriously. I cannot believe what I have put my wife through - five years of near hell and still going even after TP. Please don’t give up making sure he absolutely stops drinking and now...
Thank you for your reply. I guess it's not until you have been sober for a while and got through the worst part that you can look back and realise how it affects not just you but your wife/husband. Did you go anywhere for help/support? Fingers crossed that the new year will be better.
No I didn’t have any support - except from my wife. Some say you must have support but I must have been lucky because, whilst of course it was mega difficult to stop, I had no other significant adverse medical effects...
Hi purple. Its worse for the family than the addict. Trying to protect the children from watching their Father slowly poison himself to death, trying to keep life as normal as possible while he's wrapped up in his own little world working out how he can get his hands on some cash to buy the next bottle of cider.........
Hi purple. I had to stop drinking myself, again, for starters. I ignored the wine that was ordered in, not by me. I had abstained plenty over the years but this time was most important. It was a matter of life or death. It wasn't for me. And this time after my husband's diagnosis he watched me do it. And he decided to try himself for the very first time ever. I guess I made it look easy. And, it was easier this time for me. Our situation is a little different than most, I think, in that we both have issues with it.
Besides that, I would casually relay some posts that I had read here. Mainly good, some times bad. It was the posts where some were in similarly terrible shape and made the comebacks that likely helped more. I brought in a ton of different non alcoholic drinks for him to try to see what he might like (instead). For someone that said they hated tea, he liked and now really likes some of them. And hot chocolate. And cranberry juice. Last night he tried one of my diet gingerales. He has also had some slips. But not back to that intoxicated point. He has experimented with one or two here and there mainly. He has more control apparently than I do. Our youngest (a little younger than the poster) cried tears of joys to see his Dad over the holidays not looking as if he was on death's door. He said, Mom! It was the best Christmas ever! Dad not only walked but he ran after the little grandbaby! But, he was drinking? He's not doing that every day again, is he? No, he is not. But, it is a slippery slope for many alcoholics. One is often too many. Maybe not one day of but it often escalates for many of us.
What finally helped my husband? I guess that he decided that he didn't want to die after all. One of the doctors DID tell him that he might get a year to two. I realize now that they meant if he kept drinking.
I do understand well that it is getting them in that is the biggest hurdle for so many.
I had a relative that kept saying He needs to get admitted now! I knew that! He was refusing.
My spouse is probably just like all the loved ones out there that absolutely refuse to consider not drinking. He always said, I'm not giving it up. Not going to happen.
When he slips, I don't beat him up. I do offer him anything other instead. I do remind him that he's doing too well now to go backwards and feel that badly again. He really doesn't want to feel that badly again. He got so weak he could barely speak. I had to assist him to climb short steps.
I don't think that there is a magic answer. I wish there was. Just before mine finally went in of free will, I hoped that he would go unconscious so I could call "the bus". Conscious he wouldn't allow it! But, it was getting close to that point for me to try it, regardless, knowing that there would be hell to pay for doing it and hope the paramedics would convince him to get checked. Had tried that a few times years ago before he was as sick. Once they stated that he wasn't going to die that day and as my spouse was refusing and of sound mind they could not take him in.
Right now with diagnosis, trying to do all the right things as advised by the docs. He's come a very long way in a short period of time. Back to not drinking. It is just not worth it. Difficult for some to comprehend.
Thank you so much for telling me your story. I know it's not easy to stop anymore than stopping smoking.
It's an addiction which is also an illness. It all started years ago when he has to travel for work . Many long haul
flights and time differences meant he didn't sleep especially in noisy hotels and different bed.
I think the doctor needs to be a bit more blunt with him. He asked how long he's got was it months. But the answer was no . He has lost a lot of strength in his arms and legs. Not to then point where I have to help him up stairs etc.
I've realised that there is no point in me getting angry with him as it has only short term effect. Never the less it's very stressful to
watch.
Fingers crossed for the new year.
Take care.
Good morning Concrned_son,
I am very sorry to hear of the situation with your mother.
It is very difficult when someone who is clearly unwell is refusing to seek medical help.
From what you are describing in sounds like your mother needs urgent medical help.
May I suggest you contact NHS 111 and seek their advice?
They may well wish to arrange admission to hospital .
Alternatively, you could contact your mothers GP practice yourself and explain the situation, they may arrange a home visit.
Our nurse led helpline is open again from Thursday 2nd January at 10 am on
0800 652 7330, should you not have been able to persuade your mother to seek help by then.
If you feel your mothers condition is deteriorating, you should not hesitiate to call for urgent medical help.
I can only echo all of what veryworried has said, especially about a different reason other than mentioning alcohol to get her to the docs. That was the only way l could get my late husband to go. I made a prior appointment with his doc and told him everything. I went home, told hubby the doc wanted to see him to help with his depression. I was incredibly lucky, the doc kept the appointment open so l could take him straight in. From there the doc called an ambulance and he was taken straight to hospital for a detox.
I wish you all the luck in the world. It really is an uphill struggle making addicts see sense before it is too late.
I really feel for you. If you need to talk more, there are many of us here who have been and are still going through the horrors and will support you
I am so sorry to hear of your mother's condition, and of her denial of her poor health. Unfortunately, this is all too common with alcohol dependence.
I think, as others here have said, you should act when she shows these symptoms (which are typical of cirrhosis), and call 111, or if more urgent 999.
You could "tug at her heartstrings", and say you you are worried about losing her.
I was 68 years old when diagnosed with end stage cirrhosis, and what made me see sense, was the realisation that it would eventually kill me, and devastate my family and friends.
In my case, I was persuaded to get an appointment with my GP, for what I thought was a completely unrelated symptom to liver disease, and after a fibroscan was diagnosed with cirrhosis.
She needs the hard truth from a Doctor to bring her to her senses about her condition. The first thing your Mum will have to do is stop drinking, but the GP will give her help with her addiction.
I am now 72, and alcohol free for three and a half years, and although I still suffer with some of the symptoms of cirrhosis, I am in a much better place now, and able to enjoy life.......especially with my Grandchildren, so there is life beyond liver disease. So please give your Mum a bit of "Tough Love", to make her address her health issues, and she will thank you in the end.
My mum is now in hospital and we are awaiting tests and doctors diagnosis.
It was unfortunately a final rush to hospital this morning after she had vomited blood and it shocked her in to agreeing to come. Pleased that she has come willingly and my family hasn't had to intervene.
I'm sure I will rely on this group what ever the future may hold.
Its so tragic that she, like so many others refuse to seek help before their symtoms become so severe. Hopefully now she will be honest with the doctors about her diet and drinking habits, with your help and get the treatments she desperately needs. Be assured there will be plenty of support for you here
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