It’s been a long time since I was last on here and wanted to pop on to give any people at their lowest some hope for the future. I have had pretty much everything possible, Varices, nightmare itch, PUGH C on the scale (that's the scale that says how bad you are .. apparently C and your dead in 3 months), bilirubin level 450+, ascites (although never drained and managed with water tablets),loss of sex drive, sore breasts,pancreatitis and other bits bobs and levels off the scale ... that's not forgetting the inability to walk due to muscle loss and spontaneous vomiting, also extreme weight and muscle loss (17.5 stone to 11 when at my worst, now 15).
If you don’t know my fun journey it started back in December:
December 1st, sat at home minding my own business and decided to stand up. I collapsed and panic set in, off to hospital to be attached to more wires than I’d seen in someone and my family and doctors all stood around me looking very scared. I had been drinking all my life probably more than I should have but “never any more than the next man”. I thought, as we all do, that I was invincible, it turned out I was wrong! After a number of tests, I had pneumonia / liver failure / kidney issues etc and just about everything you could, consultant gave me a couple of days to live and followed that with "any questions", "what you up to at the weekend" now seemed irrelevant. I will be honest, it was a very scary time.
So I spent approximately 6 weeks in hospital, looked like Homer Simpson on a fatter day and felt like the grim reaper was about to knock at any time and ask If I'd like to take a trip with him. The odd friend came to see me but the look in their eyes said enough. My wife and children came every day though , Hepatic encephalopathy (HE) had taken over me and I was an absolute **** to them, how they put up with me I will never know but am eternally grateful that they did. I went through every emotion going including ending it all, the pain / confusion and life just didn’t seem worth it and something that I would never escape.
Anyway, released from hospital early Jan and sent home to a place that seemed like the krypton factor, took me a good 30 mins to do the “stair challenge” and that was before even contemplating the "getting in and out of the bath" round.
Every day was a struggle, a 1 min walk would put me in bed for a day, everything I ate came straight back up and many of my so called friends disappeared, I was getting more and more confused and could not sleep so turned to sleeping tablets, taking more than I should and basically sending myself even more confused. Crashed the car / slept all day / shouted at the kids and wife constantly and was a basic ***hole to everyone, I just wanted to hide away and for the world as I now know it to end.
Wife found my sleeping tablets, we had a big heart to heart and that’s the day things started to change. Yes, I was not sleeping great but I started to think straight again. I went to the docs to try and get some help with the dark moments and now pop beater blockers daily, not for everyone but have changed my mental thinking completely. Now each day for me is “what can I do” not “I’m going to die so what’s the point”. I am back full time at work and although a challenge I am coming along good. Joined a gym and out every day for walks etc. Just had a fantastic 2 weeks holiday all inclusive in turkey, alcohol is a thing of the past, Turkish tea is my new vice, just a word of warning, you are supposed to add more water to the tea, I drank it straight and although lovely the caffeine was off the scale and I couldn't feel my tongue
Spent the holiday doing all the activities and taking a good half mile swim in the sea every day, much to the disgust of my wife who thought I may drown and a shark could eat me, I told her shark attack sounds more exciting than liver damage and she can play the jaws theme at my funeral.
Anyway, what I am trying to say is things do often get better, I’m not fixed, far from it, but every day is a new opportunity, not another that may be my last. Live your life to the best you can,try things you don't think you can manage, even just for a little time, the fun you have and the memories it builds are worth it. My latest was "down below", a series of trampolines going down a 500ft cave, I managed 30 mins of the hour but now have that experience to think back on .. and I survived.
Please if you are feeling low give me a shout I may not be here all the time but I get an e-mail and I will try and help in any way I can, I have been in the darkest of dark places and now walk in the sunshine every day (until the British weather goes back to normal that is) .....
Lots of love goes to anyone who has ever helped me on here, it’s a fantastic place and will help you over the hurdles that seem to big, you are all super stars
Here if you ever need a helping hand
P.S. A little thanks goes to pneumonia and liver disease, as awful as you both are you have given me a life of excitement. One where I'm now out and about all the time and loving it rather than sitting at home with a glass of wine wishing I had a different life.