Hi everyone, i just want to thank you for all your help,concerns and love given to me when i started coming to this site after looking for information.
Hubby is still refusing to give up the drink, he continues to have his good days and bad, his sleep pattern is one day sleeping all day, and the next awake all day. he says his legs and feet are better but they are always blocks of ice.
My life and marriage is all about existing and not living, i hate what this addiction has done to my husband and our lives but nothing i can do now,other than leave him which i wont do as my vows were in sickness and in health as i once said i take them serious.
Anyway just wanted you all to know that i will no longer be coming on the site as there is no point anymore as i came on here looking for advice and i think that you guys have given me all the help you can give.
You know where we are Lyn for advice, a place to let off steam or a rant if need be.
Glad you've felt you've had support from us all, we'll still be about if you want or need to come back aboards.
All the best, continue to look after yourself in all this. Take time for yourself, going out and doing your own thing from time to time. Your hubby has decided he's a big boy who can make his own decisions so leave him be from time to time and go and do your own thing. It's important for your own health and sanity ............. believe me.
Lots of love, Katie xx
Oh Lyn I'm going to really miss you, you've got such a lovely, caring, warm nature and a good sense of humour as well.
Even during your darkest days you still manage to bring light to people on here.
Please look after yourself, why not keep the door open for the days when you may need it.
Lyn - Please stay on the site. It will certainly do you good to keep up contact with us all. It is so sad. You need to keep your strength now. I really don't know what to say to comfort you. You may be making the right decision not to read anymore messages or follow ups. But you know that you can always write down your worries and feelings when you feel really down. TAKE GREAT CARE OF YOURSELF.
My name is Dana. I'm 35 yo and... since I didn't check you profile... I'll just suppose I probably live very-very far away from you.
I'm not in the habit of posting to... anything and neither that of reading the newsletters that I get from different sites, but, somehow, I just stumbled into your post in my mailbox and.. here I am.
I don't know if any of this might help, but I can tell you a few things about people who drink a lot. It doesn't matter if they are young or old, men or women, where are they from, what they do for a job etc. - these things are the same for all people who drink more than they should and any one of them, who is smart enough to know it and honest enough to recognize it, can tell you the same things:
1. People don't drink (more than they should) because they are happy.
They can have the greatest family, the best job... anything like this and still be alcoholics because there's something in their minds and hearts they have trouble making peace with, living with etc..
Nobody drinks because he's/she's happy. Ask a doctor, a nurse, a priest... anybody who came in contact with a lot of alcoholics and they, all, can confirm you this: nobody drinks because she's/he's happy.
Even when you see a stranger on the street or in a bar, looking tipsy or being drunk, and you don't know anything else about that person... you can be sure of this: he/she would not have been drinking that much if he/she would have been happy.
2. People that drink more than they should know it, that they drink like that, very-very well.
3. Even if they don't even recognize, to anybody, that they have a problem with alcohol, they feel very guilty about drinking. Every single time and all the time in between.
Feeling guilty makes them wanting to drink more.
4. People, who drink and would like to stop, find it hard, beside their body's addiction to alcohol, because their brain develops an addiction to that state of... either being dizzy or drunk, either of just drinking.
While drinking, their brain learns... let's call it "a state" - it learns, very-very well, how it feels being "like that" and whenever that person is not "like that", the brain... kind of asks, all the time, in every single moment, to be "like that".
They are used to feel all the feeling they feel in day to day like... in a dizzy-drunk state - feeling them sober... seems dull and surreal and empty. Same goes for doing stuff and doing everyday stuff while dizzy feels even "better" than sober - your mind seems more sharp, your creativity seems better, your focus seems augmented, you drive and energy seem higher... than whatever they'd be without drinking.
5. People, who drink and would like to stop, find it hard also because it becomes a habit and most of what we do in a day it's out of habit.
A day in which he/she doesn't drink, feels empty - just like it would feel when you're used to go to a job from Monday to Friday and then, one day... they just retire or loose their job and Monday comes and at 9 am they're still at home, not knowing really what's the best thing to do with this free time.
And there would be so many more, but... in case you read this (and you have an ok relationship with your husband and he's still a nice person etc.)... just... talk to him about this. Just... read him this and ask about his opinion on these and... whichever others he wants to mention... just... for talking, not for judging or finding solutions or "analyzing" stuff etc..
These, and others, are the "demons" he has to face every single day of his life, either he is dizzy-drunk or not. And he knows them very well...
Even if it doesn't help to quit or something... sharing with you what's it like to have this problem, knowing that you understand how it is for him, will make him feel better.
And as for stopping (I, honestly... doubt that any person that learns how it is to drink... can ever unlearn it - all they can do is... learn, also, how to go trough life... either not drinking or not drinking always/too much etc.-etc.)... maybe you could help... one day at a time, one hour at a time, so he would have the opportunity to real find out how good it can feel to be sober (at least... sometimes, most of the times, 99,99%, lol), again and again, by... just... trying to make-give him the best life possible, so that he, dizzy/drunk or not, would just want to enjoy it the most that he can, in the most real manner.
Idk... like... for a simple-stupid example... let's say you make him a sexy surprise and he participates and enjoys it etc. and... like this today and like this tomorrow... one of those days he might screw it up because he was drunk and... feel very sorry about it - enough to make him decide to want to participate sober to any of your surprises, from then on.
Just... be the best wife that you can, be the best friend that you can be, have fun together, make yourself the best life possible... even when he's drunk or dizzy and... one day you, both of you, might actually be so successful at making yourselves a very nice and happy life, throughout all the hardships of "the usual life" and with them still existing, that he might decide to better enjoy it while sober.
So sorry..but I hope you have found your own support system for you..he might be killing himself, but you need to go on living. Al Anon is a great program for friends and loved ones of alcoholism. It teaches you to deal with your own issues while he does his thing.
Often separate lives go on for years..but I have seen AlAnon really make people's lives happy and fulfilling.
Don't give up because her has! You don't have to make that choice.
Lynn, we all want you to stay on here. do it for yourself. must be frustrating that hubby won't help himself. sadly, it means you can't help him either. just let him know your there. try and get out and about and if an invitation arises, take it, wether you want to or not. life tests us, try and be strong, for your own well-being ! you sound as though you all but given up. there are two lives, his and yours. take care Lynn, thinking of you . love Shelby x
Lyn,
If you need to talk then please do remember you can phone our helpline on 0800 652 7330
You are a very courageous lady. The way you are dedicated to your husband is amazing. I myself have been married 33 years and that is not easy. I also take my vows very seriously so I know where you are coming from. Your husband is lucky to have you. I don't know how it works over there but he might get some relief if you could get him referred to hospice. I was just watching the news yesterday and they have a new program called palliative care which is a step before hospice. It's for people with serious diseases that need extra care to maintain at home but they are not yet ready to commit to defeat. I have always thought that they needed something similar to hospice that would allow patients to continue on fighting and have the care that hospice gives.
Anyway good luck on your journey. Know that you can come back anytime just to check in and I for one would be glad to hear from you.
Hi all, Thankyou so much for your replies, i hadnt checked my emails for a while because it been madness here, I thought i could do without this site but i have realised i cant and need the support,
Hubby started to feel better in himself, his legs werent hurting as much the swelling went right down and his stomach wasnt hurting so much, the sickness had stopped ,so we decided to go for a break in london for a few days last week,while there i heared devasting news that a freind had died he was only 53, diagnosed with cancer and died a month later. Still cant get over loosing him and breaks my heart, hubby is back being very ill again, legs and feet like balloons,very painful, his stomach is bad, hes being sick, and so much more going on..It was nice to come on here and read such caring and loving messages.So thankyou for such words of encouragment and love..
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Morning all
Don't know where to turn. 
What do you suggest?
can i have some advice
As I said before to little to latexx
