4th chemo

[reubenbracken]

Hi I have just had my fourth chemo, I know things will improve over the next few days but basically I don't want to on this journey anymore, I just don't want to be here, all ready on antidepressants and still not coping.

[Hidden]

Oh reubenbracken I am just so sorry to read how low you are feeling. Do you have support at home with you? Did you mention to anyone at the Unit today about how you felt? How long have you been on the Antidepressant's? Is there anyone you can talk to in your family or a good friend? I'm sorry this is all questions but trying to get an idea on your situation.

Mrs N

[reubenbracken in reply to Hidden]

I have my husband who is very good to me I just can't stop crying , I know it will pass but the thoughts are still there I just can't think positive at all.

[Hidden]

reubenbracken

Breast Cancer Care Support is open tomorrow morning 9am to 1pm the telephone number is

0808 800 6000

It might be a good idea to talk to someone there.

Love Mrs N 💕

[reubenbracken in reply to Hidden]

Thank you I know it helps to talk but it's all just freaking me out and as soon as I stop talking I just keep thinking. I know other people are struggling I just don't know how you all cope.x

[Hidden]

And, maybe the out of hours duty GP for a change of Antidepressants

Did you have your 4th Chemo today & was it a different one as a lot of us have FEC/T & the 4th being the Taxol so may have affected you differently.

Thinking of You 💐

[reubenbracken in reply to Hidden]

No I've got 8 sessions change over next time. I'm seeing the main breast doctor on Friday so if I'm no better I'll talk to him.x

[Lainey66]

Reubenbracken, you definitely do want to be on this journey, because the alternative does not bare thinking about. The journey you are on will get you to that proverbial 'light at the end of the tunnel'. You are on a journey that will make you better again. It is a tough and shitty old road, one that we have been unlucky enough to have been given, however one that we are lucky enough to still be here on. You must try to find a positive in this awful situation and focus on that positive. Have you any energy to take up an activity that you have always wanted to do before but never had the chance? I found doing this helped keep my mind busy and off the cancer. For me it was painting, believe me, I am no Michaelangelo but I found it relaxing ,rewarding and satisfying. I joined an activity group while in hospital, There were days I didnt feel like it but I went and was always glad after that I did. The laughter with others lifted me up. I went to relaxation classes that gave me techniques to help me refocuss and concentrate on the positive. Do you have a cancer support group where you live? If you do go down and talk to folk there who will honestly be of help as they know what you are going through. Join activity groups or relaxation sessions. Please do go and take all the help you can. This cancer has taken enough from you, dont allow it to take your sanity too. Sending you lots of love, hugs and positivity. Lainey66 xxx

[reubenbracken in reply to Lainey66]

Thank you I'll look into the group's.xx

[Lainey66 in reply to reubenbracken]

They will help, you will get through this xxxx

[reubenbracken]

I don't want to be dramatic but I'm not sure I want to, can't stop thinking about it coming back and having to deal with it all again.x

[Lainey66 in reply to reubenbracken]

You are definitely not being dramatic. You have a very very big fight on your hands. You have to be strong for you as well as your family. Dont focus on it coming back, but on it going away. Stress and anxiety will do you more harm than good. You have to go and speak to somebody. Xxx

[Bajan77 in reply to reubenbracken]

Hi reubenbracken I must say I can totally empathise with how you're feeling. I was in a dark place for ages and couldn't think of anything positive. I saw myself at my own funeral laying in the coffin. My mind used to run wild. My breast nurse referred me for counselling and it has helped so much. She has encouraged me that every time i get a negative thought flip it instantly to a positive. It worked well initially but there's times now when I struggle to flip the negative.. I've got 3 kids and I intend to put up a fight for them. They motivate me to keep going. It's not easy hun. My partner has also been fantastic. It would've been alot harder without him. I have a very good support network but the love and support from your significant other is totally different if you get what I mean.

Talk to your designated breast care nurse hun and ask to be referred to counselling. Pls don't suffer in silence. Speaking to an outsider really does help. Believe me. Not everyone can relate to our crazy thoughts. We have alot to deal with. Acceptance of diagnosis, new image, treatment, possibility of reoccurrence, further surgery.... as well as thinking of family members and how their dealing with what you're going through.

I'm having my 5th cycle on Wednesday. This wll be my 2nd Tax. I've needed to be admitted after each cycle due to side effects. My first Tax was awful. Responded horribly to it that they've decided to reduce the dose this wk.

We all respond differently.. believe you me hun. It does get easier. Its nice to bounce back and be symptom free. Enjoy the days when you feel human again. Get out as much as u can. It's so easy just to sit back and feel sorry for yourself. I still do it at times and allow my mind to run away with me. I find I get really snappy and short tempered too due to raging hormones off balanced.

Don't give up so easily hun. This time next yr you'll look back and see how strong you really were. Who feels it knows it. We can all relate to you. We're all on different stages of this journey so can totally sympathise and empathise with you so chin up my dear. There's help and support groups available. Engage with them and don't suffer alone.

Message at anytime cos you're not alone. So nice that you can open up and share your feelings with us.

Wishing you all the best. Xxx

[reubenbracken in reply to Bajan77]

Hello thank you for that message, I know it will pass in a few days and I'll be out walking again and getting fresh air it just gets you drown so much, I'm waiting for a councillor to get in touch and also on antidepressants thank goodness otherwise I'm not sure what state I'd be in. Got a loving husband and three kids also which helps, I'm triple negative are you and have you had any ops yet.xx

[Bajan77 in reply to reubenbracken]

@reubenbracken I had double mastectomy in July 2016. I'm Her 2 -ve. Breastless and bald. This new image takes some time getting used to. Still not comfortable im front my partner but I've learnt to accept it. I've more got an issue than he has.

[Tracey06]

Hang on in there reubenbracken... I can't say I know what your going through, but you need to just take each hour at a time... think happy/silly things, anything to pass a minute or so...

It was thoughts of my husband and daughter that kept me going.. because the thought of their life without me freaked me out so bad that I knew that was the worst thing that could happen...

I was agree with the others, to try and find support in your area, I used Clan, and they were super. I could say how I truly felt there, normally have a wee cry but I always came away smiling and lighter after. It helped me to talk.

I hope tomorrow is easier for you.. sending hugs. Xxx

[Jennymary]

Oh reubenbracken, I'm sorry to read that you're having a rotten time right now, I didn't have chemo so can't offer any advice regarding that, but maybe try and picture yourself a year from now, a picture of health and enjoying a few days away somewhere exotic, (it doesn't hurt to dream when life if kicking you in the teeth all the time),maybe start to plan a reward system for yourself for after each treatment, maybe hire a DVD, go out for lunch with a friend, and start planning a nice big reward for when you've had your last chemo, you, and everyone else going through chemo, deserve it and you've all certainly earnt it, sending loads of love and hugs your way, hang in there and stay strong xxxxxxx

[Jillyannepope28]

Hi I know.it feels like a long journey but please go and see the doctor or cancer nurse X keep the positive vibes up and you will cope , talk to your family X they love you and will want to help , it's hard but it will improve , keep strong my friend X sending love 💕

[Berylynn]

Hi reuben, your half way there. I choose not to be sucked into Chemo first. With the opp healing now Chemo about to start soon and technically cancer free if the ct scan is clear. May be opp later is the problem and you know cancer is there, but they said they monitor it shrinking...which you must have feedback. The whole senerio of C messes up your head so putting treatments aside you have good and bad times. I have crystals on the ready...sound healing tapes and general meditation tapes. Some tapes better than others as its music based its a case of personal prefere...I am an Eyna person anyway. A good sound healing relaxes you so much and energises, my best tape was made by an oncologist...american. These are my back ups if life has too much pressure. Some music can be free...you need to look. Its good to do asorbing hobbies...as an artist no problem there. Mixing with others in self help groups like councelling sessions, never done I have an extensive art community. Sometimes healing needs to be on a shut the world out and float away level...this is the way to stay on tract...its not sleep. A good sound healing tape will relax you completely!

[Berylynn in reply to Berylynn]

To be more precise ...mitchell gaynor md. Meditations for sound healing. Tract 1 is introduction and really only needs to be heard once. Other 4 tracts ok.

[Berylynn in reply to Berylynn]

Update...the CD was another one didnt double check...by steven halpern, many on youtube...it was an old one I had upoaded ages ago. Other one also used.

[Mac99]

Do not know where you are living but if in Ireland arc support services are fantastic and run a variety of services that can help. The also offer specialist counselling services, it is all free as is run on fundraising.

[Hidden]

Morning reubenbracken

How are you feeling this morning? If you still feel as you did yesterday it might be worth ringing BCC for a chat

Breast Cancer Care Support is open this morning 9am to 1pm the telephone number is

0808 800 6000

Thinking of you & sending you Good Wishes 💐

Mrs N 💅🏼

[Egburtnobacon]

My lovely....I have just had my 5th and have 3 more to go........I felt just like that yesterday but as you say it passes.......and you will pick up.........don't let this beat you, you are stronger than 'it'! You can do this......we can do this!!

A friend gave me a note book......in it I write my moods.......be them good or bad it doesn't matter but it does help when you go back and you can see that you are feeling better then a previous day.......might be worth a try.

Keep strong and keep fighting.

[Mandywilson]

Sorry your so upset ..you need to talk to your breast cancer nurse .. It's absolutely normal to feel like you do .. There is so much support out there .. Definitely this group ... Thinking of you xxxxx

[Hidden]

Hi Reubenbracken sending you loads of love and good wishes. I know your feeling awful its an awful journey but like others here go with it. I took great comfort from my husband family and friends hope you can. I loved putting on nice clothes and doing my make up and even wee run out in the car. Lots of nice goodies from flowers, bath oils, cupcakes a book and loads of crafting u might like music just something to look to for some escape from the treatment. Wish you well we are all routing for you. X

[Lorraineam]

I've nothing to add to what everyone else has said except to send love and best wishes xxx

[haagr]

Good morning reubenbracken from NYC

You are not alone. You have many sisters here that can support you while on this frightening and emotional roller coaster.

I too am on the breast cancer journey that no one wants to be on. I've been struggling with accepting my diagnosis for 5 months. There are been many days that I can't stop the negative thoughts or stop crying despite the love and support of friends and family and anti anxiety medication.

A few things have helped me when I was most frightened and depressed and I hope they may work for you as well.

Being in therapy and in a breast cancer support group has helped immensely. It will give you a safe place to say your fears and dark feelings out loud. A therapist can help you reframe and maintain your inner strength. You are so strong to have already come this far. A support group will cheer you on because they too are on a similar journey and understand how you feel.

For every unpleasant treatment or doctor's appointment reward yourself with something you enjoy. Indulge yourself. Sometimes I have gone shopping (retail therapy) for something special that I really don't need. I have gone to the theatre or the movies after appointments. I have found comedies and musicals a great diversion. Meeting a friend or family member for lunch or dinner has helped break my routine of being all about my breast cancer and treatment.

Exercise, just walking someplace pretty and serene can help release endorphins that will naturally elevate your spirits.

Take up a creative hobby. I started to crochet. It gives me a sense of accomplishment. Lose yourself and worries in a book. Reading at night can help to clear your mind and fall asleep.

I have taken to simple meditation, something that I had never done before. I found an 18 minute relaxation video on Youtube that has been a life saver for me. I use it before, during and after treatments. I use it in the morning when I wake up to calm and center myself. I use it to help fall asleep and during the night when I can't turn my mind off from the negative thoughts. It has a wonderful calming effect. This is the link to it. youtu.be/Jyy0ra2WcQQ(Not working as expected?)

Find what works for you one day at a time, one step at a time. Sending you hugs and support from across the pond.

R

[reubenbracken in reply to haagr]

Thankyou very much i will try the meditation out, where abouts are you with your treatment have you had an operation, chemo etc?

[haagr in reply to reubenbracken]

I had a lumpectomy in October. Was fortunate that they got wide clear margins. No lymph node involvement so I won't need chemo. I started a month long course of radiation last week. It's the radiation that had me and still has me upset. I just can't understand if they say they got everything, why I need such a potentially harmful treatment. But after doing lots of research I made a gut wrenching decision to go forward with it. My receptors are estrogen positive so they are also recommending taking an AI to block estrogen. I have yet to really consider that. I'm taking this one step at a time. If I get too far ahead of where I am on my journey I start to panic.

Hang in there!

R

[reubenbracken in reply to haagr]

I'm triple negative so I am on my own after this no medication which is scary. I've got surgery after chemo then probably radiotherapy but don't know yet. Thanks for the meditation had a listen it was very calming. Good luck with everything.xxxx

[haagr in reply to reubenbracken]

So happy that you tried the meditation video. There are days I use it multiple times. Try to find a support group or peer volunteer. Having someone to talk to who has been through this journey will really help.

Good luck. Keep me posted on your progress. I am here for you.

R

[Hidden]

Hello haagr

What a very thoughtful & hopefully a helpful reply to reubenbracken I hope the meditation link is helpful for you.

I hope all is going well for you haagr

Best Wishes

Mrs N 💅🏼

[reubenbracken]

Thankyou everybody for all your kind words after my meltdown yesterday, i was sick eight times in the night but thankfully it seems to have stopped now and the next four doses of chemo aren't suppose to make you sick so hopefully thats the last of the sickness.

I really don't know how you all stay so strong, i know ill feel better in a few days but my head never seems to stop thinking about the future and the what ifs i find it very hard to switch off ill try the meditation that has been recommended to see if that helps, i do hypnotherapy which is fine when I'm doing it but once its finished the thoughts come back again.

Once again thank you .xxxx

[Debster2016]

Hello Reubenbraken I too am sorry to hear things are that bad for you, can sympathise, still feeling fearful about the rest of my first chemo cycle.

Hope any of the below helps...? ❤️

I've found a DVD from The Haven called Haven At Home and I mention it because I felt relaxed after the Mindfulness and Visualisation elements. Watched them both today for second time, again helpful.

I love walking but that doesn't seem to work for me at the moment prob cos I can't walk 6 miles daily as per usual when working as a post lady = bit disappointing But I will still pop out as it will help my body heal.

Today I completely forgot about my little f***ers while I was sewing holes up in the toes of my socks! There's something I wouldn't have thought of as creative!

Also the waiting list for psych thro my BC nurse was 3 months luckily my gp surgery could put me in touch with counsellor within 3 weeks.

Know this. Every day you get through is an achievement. Every single day moves us towards our end goal. Sending you lots love ❤️ along with all other ladies 😌 Xxxx

[reubenbracken in reply to Debster2016]

Thank you, I'm also waiting to see a councillor with the hospital but haven't heard anything so I think I will talk to my gp . Sending love and hugs.xx

[Annie69]

Oh, dear reubenbracken, I do feel for you. Many of us have supportive family and friends but when it comes down to it, we are alone and coping as well as we can. Please use this site and and the wisdom and experiences of everybody. You will know that real strength comes from inside you. You are stronger than you think. Hold on, sweetheart. You will make it through and out the other side. All my love and thoughts to you. From Ann. xx