my name is Tracey I’m scared.
I turned 50 in December so got a routine Mammogram request in March. I not having any lumps wasn’t going to go I planned to put it off. But a voice inside said “just go get it over with”. I’d had one before in my 30s so knew what to expect. That was just lump but hormonal changes so all sorted.
So off I went to a supermarket car park screen thing, had the mammogram thought I get the all clear and that be it.
sadly that wasn’t it. I received a letter few weeks later saying I had an appointment at local hospital but not one that I usually go to. Breast Care Unit. I went and told I needed a biopsy and told to return few days later.
Then the results delayed by two weeks due to pathology department, apologies made by then and I told I could complain but I said no point no one’s fault. So I waited.
then I went back this week and told findings of suspicions of cancer. My husband asked is it cancer and told it’s very likely. I didn’t ask questions I told another biopsy must be done this was Tuesday this week. Larger area taken. And now we wait again 3-4 weeks for results delay in pathology still. Which is no one’s fault but the waiting is I finding the worst. I constantly googling breast cancer and treatments. Options.
I have had cancer scares before but always gynaecology I already have a watch and wait problem with gynaecology so I never thought for a moment i be told breast cancer. This has completely frown me. If told cervical or endometrial then I’d say ok had these probs before. But breast cancer!! Now I’m concerned I be told next my watch and wait problem with Gynaecology be the next thing. My head is all other the place. But my husband who did get emotional in the appointment says let’s wait and see his life motto, and yes that’s all I can do but I don’t want this I’m not ready to die yet, that’s what’s going round and round in my head I’m not ready yet,
My daughter is 18 she has ASD life social skills is hard for her. Friendships hard for her.she knows I might have cancer and I can’t tell how she is feeling she’s very matter of fact. But I also know she will be feeling in her own way and panic attacks a thing she struggles with. I’m now pushing her to go to cinema with her dad not me. Using the excuse I hate scary movies. That part is true!but there relationship isn’t as it needs to be if I not around. He will not think going fishing not ok every weekend thinking she’s 18 & be ok. My daughter has another family another set of parents the birth parents. I’m helping make connections to the one parent that we told never hurt her. It’s important to support her but with me not here she will need support and guidance I just worry my husband won’t be supporting in the way he should. He could loose her completely and that will be heart breaking, she could choose her birth father and although I know that’s good for a relationship I’m also very conscious of why he didn’t get custody in the first place. I’m not ready to have this. I’m not ready there’s so much I need to help my daughter with first.
ok I don’t know yet the full treatment plan I don’t know if my cancer is…
All I keep thinking is what if this what if that. And that I’m not ready!!
I did always think I get cancer with all my other gynaecology problems, but with the scares & watch and wait. and then nothing I thought it wouldn’t be yet. Not yet.
plus my dad two falls two operations to his knee and can’t drive let alone walk in knee brace age 80 but thinks his 21 and invincible and says when he driving he be off out! My mum constantly crying over her parents who passed away several years ago my grandparents. My mum cries and still grieves there lost. And every anniversary birthday and anniversary of their passing is met with more anger more tears. Regrets and all. So my mum needs a lot of something which I always get wrong but she needs time and understanding. But if I unwell what then. And my sister has a bone disorder degenerative my parents were her carer with my sisters husband. my brother in law got MND diagnosis few years back I not helped as much as I should I admit. But since my dad s falls and unable to drive I now take them all to there hospital appointments. I’ve never driven to some many different hospitals in my life before. I’m now the main one who called upon only one left to help. But how do I now with this diagnosis looming over my head.
and to top all this I have two jobs. A relief mental health nurse which I only do enough to keep my PIN number going. My main job is a foster carer me and my husband a family thing not some thing one person can do alone. My husband works full time but also a foster carer. My daughter helps out too good at making chicken nuggets and chips when needed. A family together foster caring at present an angry mostly little boy age 10. His settled well as settled as they can be his been here a year. One whole year we survived each other. His not our first child but first been here a year. But now cancer we asked or rather I asked will he be moved. I’m told we can wait to see what treatment plan first if chemo then of course even I know he cannot stay here for his as well as my sake. But if cancer early stages and no chemo I’m praying my treatment plan with medication and removal of the area, my head full of please let that be it even if just for now!!
but I’m not getting a gut reaction or anything to think I be this lucky, as for mental health nurse registration I can sort that out with advice.
my husband keeps ringing to check on me in the day when his at work. Very sweet but this is not normal most days we get on each others nerves as been married and together a long time. Life up and down as life can be. But we had so much years of infertility the ivf the donor eggs the gynaecology stuff. And now age 50 breast cancer and not even a scare nope I go all out and now told no matter what 2nd biopsy results the area will need cutting out!
noooo noo I’m not ready not yet. Fine give me cancer if the breast but not now. I not ready now I have so much to do and people rely on me. Please not now. This is what’s in my head.
Of course I cannot change what happening but my head is going round and round.
Daily I must be good at acting cause my little chap living here all normal to him. From breakfast routine to boundaries and smiles etc.
to my daughter I was unwell on Weds after my biopsy I ended up in A&E before I left I burst into tears to my daughter saying I didn’t feel well. I don’t do things like that I don’t cry to her. Bless her she rang my husband her dad saying dad mum really not well come home. So he did. It’s all falling apart I’m falling apart.
why did I turn 50!
