I’m not sure I’m a good person

[Jahrkskwiehfbdb1234]

Hey!

Forgive me if this doesn’t make lots of sense.

Two years ago I fell pregnant, and I’ve always been told by the doctors that I’ll always struggle to conceive and probably never have a child. When I fell pregnant, my ex didn’t want me to keep it and seeing as he was twenty years older than me, I got really scared. He told me I’d be a bad mum and that he’d use all his money to go to the courts and tell them of my history with self harm and that I’d damage the baby and he’d made sure he had full custody. He said the only other option was to abort since he didn’t want it. I was scared, I was 22 and lived with my parents; didn’t have the financial money to support myself if I wanted to do it and I didn’t want a baby being born into the threatened arguments that were implied would follow so I agreed and aborted.

I’ve always regretted it, always made it clear that I have and have since left the guy.

However, this week I found out my brother and his girlfriend are expecting. Now I’m over the moon, I cried when I found out because I’m so genuinely happy for them and I really really wish them the best in this.

But I’ve started developing a lot of jealousy, anger and annoyance. I can’t help it and it’s not at them or the baby and I think it might of been at me. Seeing the support that my family are giving them that I was too stressed to realise I would have too, or the bitterness of them being in a happy relationship with both wanting it and thy have a house.

I don’t like these feelings, and I don’t really know what to do, I’m trying to not get super super involved as a way of idk, second hand trying to make the baby mine or make them feel like I’m gonna be a better parent when it’s mine turn.

Does any of this make sense? Is this a normal reaction or am I just being a total cow? I really hope it’s not the latter because I love them both so much and again I’m so happy for them.

[JojoWash]

You’re not a bad person, it’s natural to feel that way x your time will come x

[Major2116]

Ohh Hun :(. You're not a bad person at all!

After we miscarried the first time, our friends found out they were pregnant. The second time we miscarried, my husband's cousin said they were pregnant. Both were very sensitive that we'd lost but I had pure jealousy and hatred in a way.

Our friends and his cousin weren't trying for a baby, they got caught by accident and I was just wrapped in my own world feeling like I was a bad person for not wanting to even talk to them!

It's grief Hun. It works in mysterious ways. Although our situations aren't the same, I'm pretty sure our feeling are. Have you tried talking to your doctor about it? Maybe getting some counselling?

If your brother and his girlfriend know of your abortion maybe take them aside and express how happy you are but also how you're feeling. I did this and I'm so grateful I did. They were so understanding and helped me come to terms with it.

We now have a healthy 1 and a half year old. I'm sure you'll find the perfect man and have your happily ever after! Xx

[Gia_9]

Firstly, you cannot change the past so stop dwelling on it reasoning it. You did what you had to do and though it was more of a forced-on decision on you the more you think on it the more you stay in the torture phase... your past that doesn't stop you from having a better future. Maybe that's the reason why inspite of your brother's best interest at heart you feel all the negative emotion towards the whole pregnancy thing because you couldn't have it. But who said you cannot have it? You don't need to feel jelous, they are in a fulfulling life phase now and your turn at it might just be round the corner.

I want to add that though sometimes self-harming moms tend to become ignorant towards the child but then it's just a chance and not a prophecy... even women with absolutely sane childhood or past can be hideous moms. Don't feel no negative. Stay optimstic and don't let the ghost of your tormenting past mess with you now.