Daily Laughter New years Day Special Edition

Daily Laughter New years Day Special Edition

That Was a Tough Year

It's been a tough year, but I've made it so far!

But not everyone is as lucky as I am......

Happy New Year

to all my friends on this site

Wishing you and your other halves all the very best for

2014

Berwick xxxx

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,

and never brought to mind?

Should auld acquaintance be forgot

and days of auld lang syne?

For auld lang syne, my dear,

For auld lang syne,

We'll take a cup o' kindness yet

For auld lang syne

We twa hae run aboot the braes

And pou'd the gowans fine;

we've wander'd mony a weary foot

Sin' auld lang syne

We two hae paidled i' the burn,

Frae mornin' sun till dine;

But seas between us braid hae roar'd

Sin' auld lang syne

And here's a hand, my trusty friend,

And gie's a hand o' thine;

We'll take a cup o' kindness yet

For auld lang syne

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,

and never brought to mind?

Should auld acquaintance be forgot

and days of auld lang syne?

For auld lang syne, my dear,

For auld lang syne,

We'll take a cup o' kindness yet

For auld lang syne

Dieting - New Year Resolutions

2009: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.

2010: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.

2011: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

2012: I will work out 3 days a week.

2013: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

New Year's Day Prayer for One and All

Dear Lord

So far this year I've done well.

I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that. But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.

Amen

On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck - the bartender was almost crushed to death.

Lecture Tour with A Difference

On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.

'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.

'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' enquired the constable sarcastically.

'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly.

A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky.

'If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.'

To kick start my New Year, I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass.

When I thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year.

I gave up thinking.

Definition of a hangover:

Wrath of Grapes.

Ten Indications of a New Year Hangover

You get it into your head that chirping birds are the Devil's pets.

Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "Stay still."

Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as drinking a glass of fresh paint.

The bathroom reminds you of the fairground cry, "Step right up and give it whirl!"

You'd rather chew tacks than be exposed to sunlight.

You set aside an entire afternoon to spend some quality time with your toilet.

You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.

Your catch phrase is, "Never again."

You could purchase a new fridge on the proceeds from recycling the bottles around your bed.

Your new response to "Good morning," is "Be quiet!"Happy New Year

Happy New Year

How to Quit Smoking

Peter, at a New Year's party, turns to his friend, Ken, and asks for a cigarette.

'I thought you made a New Year's resolution to quit smoking,' Ken responds.

'I'm in the process of quitting,' replies Peter with a grin. 'Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.'

'Phase one?' wonders Ken.

'Yeah,' laughs Peter, 'I've quit buying.' g

New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.

One resolution I have made, and try always to keep, is this: To rise above the little things.

Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.

Ring out the old, ring in the new

Ring out the old, ring in the new,

Ring, happy bells, across the snow:

The year is going, let him go;

Ring out the false, ring in the true.

As in many homes on New Year's Day, Janet and Nigel, a happily married couple, faced the annual conflict of which was more important: the football match on television, or the lunch itself.

Hoping to keep the peace Nigel ate lunch with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-lunch chat before retiring to the lounge to turn on the television.

Some minutes later, Janet looked in to see how he was and graciously even bought a cold beer for Nigel. She smiled, kissed him on the cheek and asked what the score was. Nigel told her it was half time and that the score was still 0-0.

'See?' Janet said happily, 'You didn't miss a thing.'

A Bad Dream?

Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, 'I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?'

'Aha, you'll know tonight,' answered Max smiling broadly.

At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: 'The meaning of dreams'.New Year Jokes For Dogs

New Year's Resolutions by Fido

I will not bark each time I see or hear a dog on TV.

I will not steal underwear belonging to my mistress and then dance all over the back yard with it.

I will not chew red crayons or pens, because my master will think that I am haemorrhaging.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

I must shake the rainwater out of my coat BEFORE I enter the house

Funny New Year Resolutions

I will polish my pate - Bald person

I will do less laundry and use more deodorant. - Executive

I will not regale the same yarn at every get together. - Incorrigible bore

I will remember that 'Cream Cake Day' is on the 29th of every month. - Foodie

Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits. - Anonymous

Also, remember: A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.Alcoholic New Year's Resolution

2011: I will not take a drink before 6:00 p.m.

2012: I will not open the bottle before noon.

2013: I will not let drinking become a problem.

2014: I promise not to miss any AA meetings.

New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.Funny New Year Resolutions

Diet to Start the New Year

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help WOMEN cope with the stress that builds during the day. I have found that this really works!!

BREAKFAST

* 1 Grapefruit

* 1 slice whole-wheat toast

* 1 cup skim milk

LUNCH

* 1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach

* 1 cup herbal tea

* 1 Penguin Biscuit

AFTERNOON TEA

* The rest of the Penguins from the packet

* 1 tub of Gino Ginelli ice cream with chocolate topping

DINNER

* 4 bottles of wine (red or white)

* 2 loaves garlic bread

* 1 family size Supreme pizza

* 3 snickers bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK

* 1 whole cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)Stressed - Deserts

FINALLY REMEMBER:

"Stressed" spelled backwards is desserts".

Send this to four women and you will lose 2 kilograms.

Send this to all the women you know (or ever knew) and you will lose 10 kilograms.

IF you delete this message you will gain 10 kilograms.

The following is a diary extract from a friend of ours [Lorna - sorry, I said I wouldn't] who gained weight during December's festivities and now needs to work it off so as to get into her clothes.

Also all those of you out there joining fitness classes and clubs as a New Year resolution should, perhaps, read this first:

As a Christmas present this year, my daughter, Cresley [what a thoughtful darling] bought for me a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in reasonable shape since being a high school cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Juan Antonio [ooh what a name] who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Monday

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Juan Antonio waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god: he has curly hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Yippee!

Juan Antonio gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Juan Antonio [call me Tony by now] was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my stomach was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FABULOUS week! My New Year resolutions will be easy.

TuesdayDieting

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out of the door. Tony made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air. Later he put weights on it. My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Tony's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. Tony was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning; and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Tony put me on the stair 'monster'. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Tony told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other garbage too.

Thursday

»

Tony was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. That man then took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent a skinny woman to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

Friday

I hate that man, Toady or whatever his name is, more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. He is a stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little bighead. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Toady wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the flippin' barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on the health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday

That person, that Toady, left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

Sunday

I'm having the Church bus collect me up so I can go to services today and thank God that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter Cresley [the cruel, whingeing creep] will choose a gift for me that is fun: like root canal treatment or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!

Some More Amusing New Year Pledges

Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account. Oscar Wilde

January Diet Ode To January

'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!

When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I'd remember the marvellous meals I'd prepared; The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese And the way I'd never said, 'No thank you, please.'

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt And prepared once again to do battle with dirt -

I said to myself, as I only can 'You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!'

So - away with the last of the sour cream dip, Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished 'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie - not even a lick.Dieting in January

I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie, I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore. But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.

Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

New Year's Resolutions by Fido

I will not bark each time I see or hear a dog on TV. New Year Jokes For Dogs

I will not steal underwear belonging to my mistress and then dance all over the back yard with it.

I will not chew red crayons or pens, because my master will think that I am haemorrhaging.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

I must shake the rainwater out of my coat BEFORE I enter the house.

Finally, Some Serious New Year's Resolutions :

Top Tips for Men and Women

Men:

1) Set the goal yourself, rather than someone in your life dictating the new year resolutions.

2) Make only one new resolution. Make our goal specific and personal.

3) Make a 'Pro' and 'Con' list. Review each week.

4) Make a commitment to do something new, rather than stop something old.New Year Jokes For Dogs

Women:

1) Tell other people, especially other women friend what are your new year resolutions.

2) Plan ahead, make your new year's resolution straight after Boxing Day.

3) Don't blame yourself when you falter. Just start again.

4) Reward yourself when you succeed.

We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day.

New Year Resolutions for Poker Players

Be careful. Never play for sums you can't comfortably afford. Never mix up your poker money with your living money. Never raise the stakes when you're losing; only lower them, to graft your way back up.

Be honest. Keep an exact record of all your wins and losses. Look hard and clearly, each month and at the end of each year, to see which games are good or bad for you. Never kid yourself you're doing better than you are.

Be clever. There should be a reason for every bet you make: every raise, every call and every fold. "Hope" is not a reason.

Be nice. Never insult anyone, live or online. Be gracious in victory and defeat. Remember that luck kicks and kisses us all. When in doubt, read Kipling's If. That tells you how to live, how to be, and how to play.

Don't forget to enjoy it. What the hell, it's only a game.

Top 10 New Year's Resolutions

Spend more time with the family.

Take more exercise - Get fit.

Lose (loose!) weight.

Give up smoking (again).

Get out of dept.

Learn a new skill, take up a new hobby.

Put something into the community -help others.

Get organized. Else buy shares in diary, or companies selling electronic planners!

Become more security conscious.

Give up drinking, at least for the first week of January!

Other Ideas for New Year Promises

Always keep a joke book handy for times you have to wait

Learn First Aid

Give up a bad habit

Forgive someone

Start a journal or blog

Research your family history

7 Quotations for the New Year

Never tell your resolution beforehand, or it's twice as onerous a duty.

Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits.

It wouldn't be New Year if I didn't have regrets.

Cheers to a New Year and another chance for us to get it right.

The object of a new year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul.

A dog's New Year's Resolution: I will not chase that stick unless I actually see it leave his hand.

Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbours, and let each New Year find you a better man.

Our Five Further Favourite Funny Quotes for the New Year

I'm a little bit older, a little bit wiser, a little bit rounder, but still none the wiser.

New Year's Eve: Where auld acquaintance be forgot...Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.

New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.

Every new year is the direct descendant, isn't it, of a long line of proven criminals?

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. Funny New Year Quotes

5 Longer New Year Quotes New Year Jokes

We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day.

From New Year's on the outlook brightens; good humour lost in a mood of failure returns. I resolve to stop complaining.

I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans, of criticising, sanctioning and moulding my life, is too much of a daily event for me.

New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.

Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average, which means, you have met your New Year's resolution.

How to Tell That You have Entered a New Year:

You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

You enter your pasword on the microwave.

You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of four.

You chat several times a day with a stranger from Canada, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbour all last year.

You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.

You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.

The concept of using real money instead of credit or debit to make a purchase is foreign to you.

Your idea of being organised is multi-coloured Post-it notes.

You're reading this.

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in.

A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve.

Old age is when you're forced to.

Wise Words to Start the New Year

The early worm gets eaten!

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.

Never argue with a fool, people may not know the difference.

Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).

You can't skip and be unhappy at the same time.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

The Wisdom of An Angel Wisdom of an angel

An angel appears at a meeting of religious leaders and tells their leader that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behaviour, God will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.

Without hesitating, the leader selects infinite wisdom.

'Done!' says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the leader, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.

One of the others whispers, 'Say something.'

The leader sighs and says, 'I should have taken the money.'

Happy New Year to one and all.

If I had some magic I would spread all around my friends and cure them of all aliments.

I don't have any magic but I can only hope and pray that 2114 is better than 2013 for all of my friends who suffer all lung and chest complaints and all other too many to mention.

Breath Easy my friends

Happy New Year

Berwick xxxxx

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7 Replies

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  • Berwick that was an AMAZING post !!!! some REALLY funny jokes in there, some made me laugh out loud, I particularly liked the part 'How to tell you have entered a New Year', so true.

    You are so thoughtful to put up such an entertaining post, it must have taken you a long time to compile it all

    I do hope that you have a brilliant and Happy & Healthy 2014

    Thanks again

    Love Sohara

  • Thank you so much and all the very best to you and your family in 2014 ,xxx

  • WISHING YOU AND YOURS A VERY HAPPY & HEALTHY 2014 GRAEME xx Peeg

  • Thanks Berwick. Here's to a healthier 2014. x

  • Thank you, berwick, a tonic indeed after a pretty s**t year. I think I've had 34 visits to hospital in 2013 plus 8 days having lung op. Still no definitive answers. Mother also fighting for life so I'm going to try to see her before 1st cataract op and Chloe returning to school. Can't drive that far now and pretty sure mother doesn't want to know (she wanted no contact after i divorced my kids' father). However, I feel the need to do the right thing and support brothers. Also Chloe has never met her and that could be an important memory for her. I feel sad but I grieved for her long ago as an unwanted child when I needed a mum. 2014 must be a better year berwick. I wish you luck, love and thanks for your jokes and wishes. Alison xxx

  • My chuckle muscle hurts!!! Thanks Berwick Happy New Year.....

  • Thank you enjoyed those and wishing you a very Happy Healthy (ish) New Year xxx

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