Hi everyone, hope no one minds me posting this question as i appreciate it isn’t a subject everyone wants to openly discuss...
My husband had 3x CABG approx 2 years ago now and has had a hard recovery - AFib post surgery, ongoing arrhythmias and vascular issues with his leg (so he’s really had a bad time of it and I really appreciate how horrible it’s all been.)
The problem is our relationship has been left very much changed after all this, I love him to bits and nothing will change that, but I seem to have slipped into being his unofficial carer (which is fine and I’ve been happy to do whatever has been necessary.) I miss being his wife, we’ve not had any kind of physical relationship since he first became ill.
I’m very understanding and supportive and I know everything he’s been through has really affected him physically and mentally, but he won’t even discuss this now. He won’t talk to me about it and if I try to speak about it he accuses me of “having a go at him” which I’m really not.
I just don’t know what to do, I’m still young (in late 30s) and I want to know that he’s at least willing to try a physical relationship again, as now he’s doing MUCH better now health wise I though the intimacy would come back naturally, but that’s not the case - he literally has no interest. I want my husband back.
Sorry this is so long, I’m just hoping for the perspective of others that have been through this or similar. Also hope this post doesn’t upset anyone xx
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rocketqueen
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A big welcome to your first post on here and may I say what a brave one it is as well.
I hope you get the answers you need on here and I can be quite confident that most will treat this subject as mature as its content is.
Well what to say, this is so common and happens to most people sometime or other in their lives with or without a major illness. You gave us a few clues in your post and if I may I will try to address them on my personal account and what I have gone through.
The “having a go at me” is a standard answer to hide the fact that he may not be able to get an erection or have no interest in sex and not as you assume just with you but has completely gone off it.
Why this happens can be complicated from stress to hormonal changes brought on by medication, many forms of heart medication can do this and the matter should be discussed with his heart team or Drs.
I had the want but found the means not there, so a few things added to my growing pill taking and that was solved. Easier for me than him as I still had the wanting.
There is of course many other ways to pleaser our partners without the need of penetration, but it helps if the wanting is there.
Your second point that you made was that you had become a carer to him, this could also seem off putting , for you may no longer appear as a wife to him.
This also happened to me and I had to tell them to just be themselves, bare with me on my off days and don’t take any nonsense from me, stop pussy footing around me, it drove me nuts !
Now how ungrateful that sounds now I have put it into words, but I was far from it, I appreciate everything they did for me as much as I appreciated before I was ill.
So there we go, its a natural thing that you are needing from someone that you love dearly and have nearly lost, all sorts of questions and what ifs will be running through the pair of your minds, because as I have said before, our love one suffer as much as us.
He has to talk about it and he has to talk to you about it, that is not the same thing. Maybe encourage him to talk to his Dr/friend or family member, maybe on here?
I think that he feels vulnerable, a little lost { us boys never really grow up } but also you need support and his heart team can start the ball rolling for you and put you in touch with the help you also need.
Many relationships don’t survive such traumatic happening and others grow stronger, you have started to seek help by reaching out to us, please continue to find it.
Thank you for such a kind reply. I wasn’t sure what replies I would receive as it’s such an emotive subject.
I think you’ve hit the nail on the head, it’s not that he’s not interested in a physical relationship with me, he’s just lost all interest in sex full stop. Which is the complete opposite of how he’s always been, so I guess I just presumed as he got physically better the “want” would come back (or at least the want to try!) but i do appreciate that this will be effected by medications etc.
We’ve always been able to talk about anything, so the fact he won’t even discuss this is very difficult to accept. But at the same time I don’t want to make him feel bad or make things even worse for him.
In every other way our relationship is very strong, if only he’d talk to me or someone else (I’ve also suggested counselling to him, but that idea did not go down well either.) But this is like a big fat pink elephant sitting in the room all of the time now, as he won’t even talk about how he’s feeling.
There is nothing wrong with you contacting the Dr treating him just to confirm that there maybe something happening with his medication.
All that can be reversed with help, please do not think about buying anything over the counter or the net as it could play havoc with his recovery and heart.
Pink elephant or not it needs caging and sorted out, you have been supportive, caring and loving, he could not ask for more.
But now its your time, maybe that apple cart has to be upset.
I am a single woman so have no personal experience but as you said you are a young woman and your physical relationship with your partner is far from over!
I am sure there are some counselling service that you could use privately but obviously you both need to be on board to pursue this.
This is absolutely the place to ask about this as no doubt you are not the only couple to go through this.
I hope you get some very useful and helpful advice.
You do not say how old your husband is so that could be a factor in this situation.Things like this can absolutely alter things not only has he and you had to endure the pandemic on top of this a different scenario is taking place. You and he won’t have the same concerns and thoughts. If he won’t go with you to the surgery then get the doctor to home visit and discuss this together. He might object but you need to stay strong and stand up for both of you you are both hurting in different ways the doctor will hopefully know how to approach this and speak firmly but compassionately to both of you give it a try and it might just work good luck to both of you
I am really sorry to read of the situation that has developed after your husband's bypass operation. My first thought was that he might be scared that the physical effort may cause him further problems and he is shying away from getting intimate. I know that this was my wife's concern after I had my heart attack and stents and again after my bypass operation. However, it was never an issue for me. I had no such reservations because I was physically active climbing hills and walking long distances and I knew that I was capable.
It may be that your husband is feeling a failure in that he needed the bypass at such a young age. He needs to realise that in life we are not dealt the same deck of cards. Coronary issues are not the reserve of the older generation. Problems can happen at any age. That was brought home to me when I was in hospital when I saw youngsters in there for heart procedures, many of whom were very unwell.
As has been mentioned, the medication that he has been prescribed may be having an effect on how he feels. I had been on blood pressure medication for many years before I had my heart attack. It did affect my ability to perform and I sought the help of my GP. Needing medication to overcome the effect of the blood pressure medication can be mentally challenging. I was in my 50s at the time and was able to handle the situation by accepting that it was not me, but the blood pressure medication that was the cause. How I would have reacted had I been younger, I don't know. The lack of spontaneity was and remains an issue, but it is what it is.
With your husband putting off discussing the matter, it does seem to me that you will both need counselling. Contacting your GP will hopefully facilitate this. I do hope that your husband will see that it is in his interest to participate. There is no shame in this. Open heart surgery leaves us all in different places, rarely as we were before. Hopefully your husband will be able to move on in life and return to be more like his former self.
I'll be honest, my heart problems have changed our physical relationship too. From my side, I admit, there's a fear of the future, as well as the immediate fear that I could have another heart attack at any time, so I am much less emotionally available to my wife -- and that translates into neither of us being particularly intimate with each other any more..
From her side, I suspect it's much the same thing. Sometimes I think we're walking on eggshells a bit. I appreciate that she's been a caregiver but I haven't asked for it, and I detect a bit of martyrdom complex sometimes.
I agree that therapy is probably needed. I went through about 6 months of therapy and it helped me get over debilitating anxiety, for the most part.
Coming in after many very good replies all with good advice. I thought I might just add my experience.
I had a HA just over two years ago, since which time my wife and I have not had much physical contact. That had already been the case for a while before my HA. (Btw I’m back to full fitness).
Around a year ago we did start some physical contact which was going well until my wife one night thought I was initiating sex and recoiled, thus putting us back to square one.
We have discussed a few times trying some physical contact again. This is where it becomes tricky and it may help you in working out what might be going on. It’s a pattern. My wife asks if I’d like some physical contact. I say “yes”. A short conversation follows and then my wife asks, “Would you want sex?” This is where it becomes difficult because I give the answer that I think she wants to hear (which is a “no”) and not the answer I want to give. That is the end of the conversation.
Possibly your husband gets stressed because he doesn’t know the “right” answer, rather than being honest.
You possibly need to give a little more information like age of you both, and importantly what Medication is your husband on ?? I have been told that Ejection Fraction can be a cause of Erectile Dysfunction I suppose if you only have a 35% EF there is not that much Blood spare for other functions . I could put a LOL to that but I do appreciate how serious a problem this can be. Is it possible that this may be a prostrate issue and your other half is a little afraid of opening another avenue to what may be a rather serious issue !!
Now we get to the bits that we all find a little difficult to talk about but hey ho we are all anonymous here . I have forgotten what an erection is but I do know I can have an ejection with all the feeling of Intercourse just by having a good old fashioned necking session and a touchy feelie both ways !
Sometimes us men need leading as we cope with our aliments it's a little difficult from being the Alpha Male to having a worry over what the future has in store for us. Just reading your post I wonder has some anxiety rubbed off on to you, just you say I am still young not we are still young ! as I mentioned earlier age plays a large part in attitude to our sexual activity. I am almost 75 and in my mind I could take on a harem, but that is just a memory now that does warrant a LOL from me to me.
I wish you well in your search to rekindle your life .
I don't understand why people are so reluctant to discuss problems with sex. It's extremely important for most people and can be badly affected by both medication and the mental trauma of illness. Men especially seem to be the worst at discussing it and look on lack of drive or impotency as being their fault. Go through the listed side effects of his medication. It's highly likely that one of those is to blame. He probably can't get an erection but won't admit it. If you can prove to him his tablets are causing it he should feel a lot better. He will also be scared of making his heart worse. Otherwise talk to your GP. A relationship without sex i s very possible as long as you both show affection. There are lots of things you can do without penetration. My husband and I haven't managed it in 30 years because I have agonising pelvic pain after an operation. We discussed it and were both fine with it. It's the relationship that matters not just penetrative sex. You shouldn't have to feel like just a carer and he shouldn't feel guilty if he can't get an erection or has lost his drive . Maybe he's just scared. A poor blood supply will prevent an erection. You really need to talk to your GP- both of you but make sure he understands that no one is accusing him of anything. Get counselling even if you are the only one who goes.
I get the feeling (just my opinion) that most people are not afraid to talk about sexual issues but they are more concerned what kind of responses they get.
Hopefully when people see that no-one has a problem with these questions and others have been/are in the same situation they won't have the same concerns and others won't have the same concerns.
Thank you all SO much for your replies and advise, I really appreciate every one and it’s made me feel much less alone with the whole situation. Thank you to everyone who has shared their very personal stories too.
To answer some of the questions:
My husband is older then me, so yes this also likely plays a role in the whole situation. He’s in his 50’s so I understand that’s likely to have an impact.
Medication wise, he is on quite a lot for his heart - beta blockers, statins, blood thinners and painkillers (and antidepressants too) so again I no this is very likely to be a factor unfortunately.
I 100% know that none of this is his fault and he’s not choosing to be this way, but if I’m completely honest the fact he won’t even try to be intimate (even the suggestion of a cuddle in bed to see “what happens” is off limits) combined with the fact that he won’t discuss it is hard to accept.
I feel like I can’t help as he won’t tell me exactly what the issue is...I don’t know if he’s scared of having heart issues if he exherts himself, if it’s the fact he (I’m guessing) would struggle to get an erection or if everything he’s been through and the medications just mean he hasn’t got any desire at the moment. Knowing what was wrong/what he’s thinking would be very helpful!
Hello, my husband is his 50s and has a heart condition called cardiomyopathy which isn’t anything to do with his arteries. He had open heart surgery 4 years ago now. His libido has taken a big hit, as has his physical ability and his confidence. We discussed it with his cardiologist at his last review, which was before Covid. He had a 24 hour heart rate monitor to see if his drugs could be changed to help, but then nothing happened as Covid hit. We both miss the intimacy, me more than him I think, so if and when he gets another cardiology review we’ll discuss it again. In the meantime, a quick hug is lovely at any time of day. I’d suggest not at bedtime so there’s no pressure or underlying feelings that there should be something more. And when you can, discuss it with cardiology or his GP.
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