Help when your husband has just died - British Heart Fou...

British Heart Foundation

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Help when your husband has just died

Laurafbb profile image

I lost my partner to severe heart disease it was only yesterday I’m an absolute mess I don’t have any family he was all I had it was me and him I met him when I was 19 I’m now 31 he was older than me but still died young from the condition at 58 I just wanted to know if there’s any support group the pain in me is unbearable I was hoping this was all just a nightmare it was only yesterday morning but it’s felt like a week time is moving so slow we knew this day was coming but I thought we had more time

I just want to turn and see him again I love him so much

57 Replies

So sorry for your loss I looked up on google to find a site for you , please take care of yourself

cruse.org.uk/get-help/copin...

Laurafbb profile image
Laurafbb in reply to Maisiemay13

Thank you

I'm so sorry you have to go through this on your own. I lost my husband in March, I do have 3 daughters who helped me immensely but it's still very difficult. My husband died 4 weeks post open heart surgery and although he was very high risk we did think he would be ok as he has been in the past.

I don't know how you get on with your GP but I found a call from mine very helpful and they will also have the contacts for you to get help from, obviously it's difficult with the current situation as we can't go and sit down with anyone to talk things over, I do find phone calls very difficult but anything is better than nothing.

Take each day as it comes, things will get better but it will take time, be kind to yourself x

Laurafbb profile image
Laurafbb in reply to bantam12

Thank you

We recently moved to the highlands as we knew it would come too an end not now we thought he had longer I’ve register with the doctor

We talked about it so many times he tried to get me ready but I don’t think you can and the day before we had a good day he was up out of bed we were laughing kissing sat in the garden looking at the beautiful views and he was saying how he could see us here together for longer then he just went in his sleep I’m finding it hard to believe I just thought it would be a slower process

If you had seen him you wouldn’t have known he was so poorly

It’s just so unfair I’ve never felt anything like this the pain is unreal

bantam12 profile image
bantam12 in reply to Laurafbb

I know how painful this is for you, it will be a while before you believe it's actually happened. I also felt a lot of anger that my husband had chosen to have the surgery when he could have lived longer without but it was his choice. No matter how prepared we try to be its still a massive shock, we knew for about a week that he wasn't going to recover and the last day was very difficult, still came as a shock when I got the last call.

Try calling the bereavement team at the hospital he attended, they can be very helpful and if the Coroners office is involved they also are very good, I would have found it all very difficult without their help and kindness.

Take care x

Laurafbb profile image
Laurafbb in reply to bantam12

Thank you so much I’m so sorry for your loss too it’s just awful thanks for telling what happened to you it’s just horrible it is helping just reading that other people have gone through it too

I’m going to contact them tomorrow thank you when your so confused you can’t think of even the simple answers Of who to contact what to do

My heart goes out to you. Given time the good memories will predominate, but the present, when the loss is so new, is a difficult time to get through. Do try to get some support. In the meantime, I’m sending lots of love, hugs and kisses.

Laurafbb profile image
Laurafbb in reply to JayceeW

Thank you x

I am so sorry for your loss Laurafbb. At such a young age as well Sadly it's normal to feel like you do We all struggle coming to terms with the loss of a loved 1. I see the good people on this group have already come up with groups to get you help. I really Hope it helps and you feel better in time Love and Thoughts x Brian

Laurafbb profile image
Laurafbb in reply to Bingo88

Thank you so much I just keep thinking I’ll walk through to another room and he will be there it just doesn’t feel real I’m absolutely lost

So sorry for your loss. Cant imagine how your feeling. Just remember to look after yourself through this rough time. Your husband wouldnt want you to give up. Cruse are a bereavement counselling organisation and helped me when i lost my father. Thinking of you xxx

Laurafbb profile image
Laurafbb in reply to Mickymoo

Thank you

❤️

imps4 profile image
imps4 in reply to Karenpr

Think there is group for young widows/widowers but I dont know what its called. I lost my firsthusband when I was 25 to cancer but later remarried and my husband died of parkinsons last year.I m 70 now. Take any help you are offerred and cry when you feel like it.

Laurafbb profile image
Laurafbb in reply to imps4

Thank you I’m so sorry for your husband too x

So very sorry for your loss..I hope you find peace..🙏x

Laurafbb profile image
Laurafbb in reply to Dj1962

Thank you

I am so very sorry for your loss. It is truly agonising. Be kind to yourself and do whatever you need to get through each day. I know that there is an organisation called Cruse which supports those enduring bereavement. It is supposed to be really good:

cruse.org.uk

Laurafbb profile image
Laurafbb in reply to IrisCarter

Thank you I will look

So sorry for your loss and the pain you are going through . Sending you much love X

Laurafbb profile image
Laurafbb in reply to Plum53

Thank you

What you are experiencing is absolutely normal. Even three years on from my own losses I still occasionally think that I see them on the street. I also sometimes have the feeling that they still are with me, now it has become comforting rather than evoking feelings of loss.

Laurafbb profile image
Laurafbb in reply to IrisCarter

Thank you

Hi Laura, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Not the same I know, but I lost my mum last year, we were very close. I think you said above it helps to hear other’s stories. She had kidney failure, getting more poorly over years. Last summer, it all came to a head, and we knew we were in her last 1-2 weeks. I could barely hold it together. Hospice nurse told me it was “preemptive grief”, where you start to grieve for what you know will come, but are conflicted because you’re also trying to make the best of remaining days. This takes a huge toll on our minds, it’s no wonder you are finding it tough. Such bittersweet time, a gift to be able be together briefly & say what matters but a tragedy to lose them. I found a grief counsellor like above helpful, but also my mum’s and my friends. Sounds like you’re in a new place so may not have close friends nearby, but believe in the goodness of people and talk to them, people are kind & compassionate. If you reach out to someone new in your new community, they will be only too pleased to visit with you, go with you to important things, or just share a cup of tea. You may feel withdrawn, that is natural, but don’t let it become the norm, as people can help you heal, whether you know them yet or not, let them put their comfort around you. Grief is something we all share and strangers helped me as much as friends .

There are many stages to grief, shock, denial and others, that are natural & go round in circles. Personally I like to believe in the psychology called “Continued Bonds”. My mum will always be in my heart (and in my head, for good & bad!) and I am keeping a new, different ‘bond’ going with her. She may not be present physically but I still have a bond with the parts of her that are all around me and in me. I talk to her & my mind fills in the blanks if what she’d think/say. It’s a different bond now, but I still have her with me, in good & bad times, I can hear her advice, her calling me silly nicknames etc, she lives on. So in months to come, even if your emotions go all over the place, there is hope. Hope you will still have him and hope that you will heal. We’re here for you as well. Hugs

Laurafbb profile image
Laurafbb in reply to TealGreen

Thank you I’m sorry for your loss too thanks for being so kind x

I feel so so, so sorry for you. You are obviously in so much pain. Losing your best friend and art er to any illness is really awful and I know it is hard to bear or even to accept. You will need somebody to help you and a good place to start is with the information that somebody looked up for you. If you have any family at all, reach out to them at this very sad time. X

So sorry for your loss, my thoughts and prayers are with you. Take care of yourself.

Laurafbb profile image
Laurafbb in reply to 080311

Thank you x

So sorry for your loss Laura x

Laurafbb profile image
Laurafbb in reply to Boo_boo1

Thank you x

So sorry Laura to hear about your loss. My dad died about 10 years ago and although my brother and I were around to support her she found it really hard after being married for so long. Dad arranged most things when going out, and also took care of all the money problems, Mum found it very difficult to cope. My wife's family really did help her. I would suggest if you can to try and join any groups in the area that help people in your position. I am luck that I live in an area where we have an older population and there are many individual here that have lost a partner and join groups to help them get over their loss. I hope this helps.

Laurafbb profile image
Laurafbb in reply to Freesport

It is really strange Jim did all finances bill paying it’s weird because I’m looking for stuff I know he knows where they are and I can’t just turn and ask thank you x

The Samaritans are also very good to speak to, our thoughts are with you. Xx

Laurafbb profile image
Laurafbb in reply to Billkerr

Thank you I did speak with someone this morning which helped

Laurafbb

I'm so sorry to read your post. Your loss is terrible and, as many others here have said, we will all be thinking of you. Bereavement is unique for all of us, but being so young, it must be unbearable.

One thing I would like mention, as it must all seem very black and unbearable now; you'll want to try to get out from your present situation any way you can. Its natural, its part of being human. But please don't take any big decisions, or make any irrevocable changes. While so grief stricken and vulnerable, I suspect such decisions may well be one's that, in a few years, you may regret. Take life slowly, do what needs to be done following your loss, but give yourself time to recover, to recognise what direction you want to take for the future.

Henry

Laurafbb profile image
Laurafbb in reply to Henry20

Yes thank you I agree I thought this morning I’m trying to go at a million miles an hour and trying to sort every thing out right now I’ve managed to get Up and do a few things

I'm so sorry to read of your loss and so glad you've found us here - this is an exceptionally supportive group of Hearties and those who care for us Hearties. Sadly there are a number of members here who've lost a loved one to heart disease, you've definitely come to one of the right places for support.

I echo the suggestions you look into Cruse and other bereavement support groups. When I lost my husband (to complications of Post-Polio Syndrome) many years ago, grief counselling is the only thing that got me through it. It was months after his passing that I finally admitted to myself I did need help but once I did, counselling really helped.

(((HUGS))) It takes time, quite a lot of time. You'll get there. I remember thinking at the three year mark 'You don't get over it. You don't get past it. You just get through it, one day at a time.'

I am so sorry for your loss.

Laurafbb profile image
Laurafbb in reply to Sunnie2day

Thank you I did speak to someone which helped as I’ve never been through this it’s good to know the way my body is reacting is normal I’m realising I’m in shock and grief it’s really nice to have such kind caring people out there I really appreciate the world just seems more bigger and scarier with out jim thank you x

Ohh Laura what a sad time for you, I'm sure those good memories will help you overcome the sadness. Your GP surgery should be able to put you in touch with with a group to help you through. I wish you well.

Laurafbb profile image
Laurafbb in reply to Stumpy47

I’ve registered with them that’s my next step thank you x

Dear Laura, I'm so sorry for your loss.

My dad died last year, so I know there is a mountain of legal and financial admin to deal with, at a truly dreadful time, when you really don't feel up to it.

There is an on-line service called 'Tell us Once' which can notify HMRC, DVLA, DWP etc - if it's available where you live, it can at least save you a few phone calls and letters.

Thinking of you.

Laurafbb profile image
Laurafbb in reply to marypw

Thank you I’ll have a look as yes I can really not be doing with all of that I didn’t realise there was so much thanks x

I am so sorry to read this sad message. You are so young to be going through this all by yourself. I know it's still a shock and it must feel so unreal, but one thing I would urge you to do is to make contact with your neighbours. No matter how remote your home is, there will be some good people near you in Scotland who will help you out.

Laurafbb profile image
Laurafbb in reply to Dempo

thank you I am going to even to just make them aware of my situation thank you x

Milkfairy profile image
MilkfairyHeart Star

Laura I am so sorry for your loss.

I like TealGreen I use as she describes "Continued Bonds”to stay connected with my mum a d dad.

I use something my mother owned every day her cooking spoons and cutlery

I have the models my father made and again these remind me of him too.

As others have said allow yourself to grieve in your own way and time.

Seek out the support mentioned by the other forum members.

Take care of yourself.

We're so sorry for your loss and all you are going through. If you need to talk, this lovely forum is so helpful.

We'll keep you in our thoughts and prayers xxxx

Laurafbb profile image
Laurafbb in reply to Handel

Thank you I’m so glad I’ve found some where to come x

xxxx

Hello Laura, Sincere condolences on the loss of your beloved partner. It’s a truly awful time. Here’s a link about bereavement on the BHF website. It’s a case study of someone who has been bereaved and also explains where to get some help.

bhf.org.uk/informationsuppo...

Take care. X

Laurafbb profile image
Laurafbb in reply to Shar28

Thank you so much

I read your post this morning and I have to admit I don't know what to say to you. I lost my parents when I was a teenager and it was grim, but your loss is probably worse to be honest. I am afraid the truth is that the only cure is time, but as has been said you just need to take time to grieve, there is nothing wrong with feeling like you do, and it will help you in the long run, if you find it unbearable you might find help in a support group. You will never forget your loss but time will enable you to remember the happy times and forget your present feelings. I know nothing will help but I just wanted to reply with at least something, just give yourself time and don't do anything rash. I am sure all on here are thinking of you.

So sorry for your loss Laura, you may find this group helpful - Sue Ryder online bereavement Community .

Big hug to you xx

Laurafbb profile image
Laurafbb in reply to Calmisgood

Thank you x

Cannot imagine the pain, disbelief and shock you’re going through at the moment, so so sad. Sounds like you had a very close amazing relationship together, all happens to fast and always to early.

I have lost my mum a long time ago from a heart condition when I was a teenager, it’s a completely different relationship but the pain and hurt is the same.

Things will get better they really do 🤗 I know it doesn’t feel like it now but you’ll smile and laugh at all the things you did together.

Good websites etc from other posts for you to look into and help you get through this. Biggest hug on its way 🤗🤗

Message anytime !!

Laurafbb profile image
Laurafbb in reply to Fluffybee

Thank you so much it really does help to hear how others have coped and come through x

Hi Laurafbb, So sorry for your loss, there are no words that will make you feel better at this time, and being on your own you must feel at a loss. My prayers are with you. Take care.

Thank you x

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