Something’s wrong. I can’t believe it.

[GBerserker]

As some of you know, I am writing a blog following my heart attack in March. In part it is to track my rehabilitation, in part to help me come to terms with what has happened and also to raise awareness, educate and to provide support for others.

This is my latest post. It is about people finding it difficult to accept that something has happened. After all, what should someone who has had a heart attack look like? It’s about me getting my head around the fact that I’m not the same anymore and that is ok. And It’s also about a new range of badges that TfL need.

If you get chance please have a read and let me know your thoughts and experiences.

9daysinoldham.com/2018/06/1...

[marypw]

People may not know that you can get a TFL badge saying 'please offer me a seat''. So many illnesses are invisible!

P.s. I enjoyed reading your blog.

[GBerserker in reply to marypw]

Mary, thanks for letting people know about that. I certainly didn’t. And thank you for reading the blog and commenting. I’m glad that you enjoyed it.

[AlibaliM in reply to GBerserker]

I also enjoyed reading it. As you say if you can’t see anything then people assume you are fine. It’s all about adopting your own coping strategies and getting on with your life as best as you can.

[NathanBlau]

You blog is a very entertaining read and I can readily identify the topics you have spoken of - I was a little older than you but as a physically strong person my self-image of being indestructible was seriously challenged to say the least.

Perhaps fortuitously one of the first things I read the day after my heart attack was a pamphlet in Harefield hospital that emphasised the importance of a positive approach and the measurably different outcomes for patients. That, and a slightly euphoric feeling that I had survived a heart attack (unlike my father who died at 39) and the three stents the night before effectively set the tone for my life since. I cant say that I have not had moments of introspection and worry but I have genuinely become considerably more optimistic and 'happy' since - its a feeling of a 'second chance' that I can not allow myself to waste.

I think maybe that I digress ...... I am happy not to be differentiated by wearing a badge. When I am standing on a crowded, hot tube on my commute I console myself with the thought that I am lucky to be inconvenienced in this manner - the alternative could have been so much worse!!

[GBerserker in reply to NathanBlau]

Hi Nathan, thanks for such a brilliant response. I really appreciate it. I have to start by saying the badges were a joke, I really need to work on that one I think in my writing. But thanks about the ‘positive’ piece. I never got anything like that, I think that just goes to show how different the response is across the country which is particularly odd given I love about 10-15 miles from Harefield. My condolences for the loss of your father at such a young age. I can’t even begin to imagine what that feels like. Best. Graham

[Zena166]

Thanks Graham for this. As usual a great read and hits the spot! Yup I can identify with everything you have written. My mantra is I cannot change the past but I can control my future (which would make a nice badge!). Problem is I have no idea who I am and which future I am heading for!! Add to that I have lost so much weight I don’t even recognise myself in the mirror these days!! (Who would have thought weight loss would be depressive!). Anyway thanks for sharing. Zena x

[GBerserker in reply to Zena166]

Zena, thanks so much for the comments. The unknown future is a huge challenge, I’m certainly in that place and it adds to the stress, which was one of the major contributors to my attack. I find the mental challenges are far more significant than the physical ones at the moment. Have you had or been offered CBT? I’ve started it and am interested to see whether that will help. Take care of yourself.

[Zena166 in reply to GBerserker]

Hi Graham. I saw a Health Psychologist And we worked on coping strategies as well as a counsellor at my GP practice. All was good for a fair while and now I seem to be going backwards. So I think I shall seek help again to keep me on an even keel. There’s always something!! I shall be interested to see how you get on with CBT. Take care and I look forward to the next post. I found writing poetry helped but need to sort out a web page for sharing them. Cheers Zena

[Stuart2441]

Excellent blog and certainly makes great reading. I have read all and strangely enough it was quite eerie as I truthfully thought many times you were writing about me and exactly how I feel. I could never put all those feelings into words and I look forward to your next blog. You capture a lot and express it well. I watch and read this site quite often following my own HA in Jan16. After 23 years of Army service (Infantry) I thought I was fine. Some years on reaching 60 wham and then trying to come to terms with it all. Heart rehab sorted me out and I now look forward and try to lead a more healthier lifestyle. Keep up the good work I am sure quite a lot of us look forward to reading more. Thank you.

[GBerserker in reply to Stuart2441]

Wow, Stuart, that’s made my day. My week even, I really don’t know what to say but thank you. My blog was to help me to come to terms with what has happened to me and the fact that it resonates with you has made me feel very emotional. Thank you for taking the time to share that with me. I’m so glad Rehab worked for you, I’m at the start of that journey and am so glad it worked for you. I’ll keep writing, I find it really cathartic and therapeutic. Best Graham

[Kirsten47]

I'm looking forward to reading it for the first time. It's something I thought about doing to help me but changed my mind as chose to stupidly bury my head instead.