It's been nearly six weeks since my heart attack, and I'm so grateful for the quick thinking and skill of the paramedics and the incredible team in the cath lab at Worcester hospital who saved my life and fitted my stents.Physically, apart from some occasional shakes and anxiety, I actually feel really well. However, I do have these moments where a real low hits me, and I'm gripped by the fear of it happening again.
Then there's this profound loneliness I'm grappling with. This experience has brought into sharp focus that people's words often don't translate into action. Despite the many offers of "anything you need," I've navigated these past six weeks largely on my own (with the unwavering support of my husband, who is definitely learning a lot about self-sufficiency!). It seems those who offered help have all but disappeared and people who I thought were friends have moved in to the shadows. I'm not ok with this and have fretted over and over again about why? ....I'm working through it and getting stronger, I just wondered if anyone else has experienced the same or similar reaction. 🤔
Written by
Blackdawg
To view profiles and participate in discussions please or .
I have had similar experiences to you. People over promise and under delivery, I wish if they don't mean it they hadn't offered. It is cruel to build up expectations and then be let down. Much better if they say nothing, then you know where you stand.
I have even lied to the hospital saying I had some one coming to stay with me overnight so I could get an investigation done when in fact I was alone.
People are cruel without realising it. It just eases their conscience to offer.
I've had a similar experience. We can't really know why our so called friends & even some of our family members behave a certain way towards us after we've suffered with a heart condition or any serious or chronic health conditions.
We can only attempt to guess why but that can drive us mad when we're already feeling poorly, low & vulnerable.
I've cried buckets the last few months for many reasons, but one of them was wondering why it's always me who's had to send the first message on WhatsApp to those who I thought cared.
I have a cousin who always ends her messages with "take care" & " i'll contact you for an update," but she never does so I've given up bothering her.
Only now can I fully understand why some people choose to keep their more serious health conditions strictly to themselves & their closest family members.
I also understand just how upsetting it is for you & feel as though they cause us more pain at a time when all that we need is a bit of practical & emotional support.
An old friend I contacted after I was diagnosed with heart failure told me that after she suffered a stroke a few years ago she got to learn who her true friends were.
She said it was the one or two work colleagues who she really didn't expect to receive support from who turned out to be the ones who stuck around & supported her,
whereas the friends she expected support from gave her the silent treatment. Do you think maybe many people just can't cope with illness of any kind so when someone they know suffers with a serious condition I think they might go into self protection/ preservation mode.
Thank you for responding Butterfly.🦋 I to have cried and cried (and cried). I agree about keeping serious health problems private - I live in a smallish village and unfortunately a local gentleman and his wife have taken it upon himself to tell everyone about my "massive heart attack, only got to hospital in time" to pretty much everyone he comes in to contact with. I think I now understand why people are avoiding me when I go out with the dog or anything....thank you 🦋 things make a bit more sense now. xxx
Maybe treat yourself to a t-shirt or a sweatshirt printed in bold with something along the lines of .....'Still alive & kicking' or 'Still Breathing to wear on your village dog walks.
Most importantly though, & this is a reminder to myself too, is not to let their avoidance & silence bother you.
Speaking up for friends- sometimes they give us space to recover, aren’t sure what is best way to help and are waiting to be asked to get some shopping, give us a lift, or even come round and make a cup of tea.
People don't like being confronted with revelations about their own mortality. I suspect your friends are much the same age as you, doing much the same sort of jobs with much the same sort of lifestyles, and now they are confronted by someone who is just like them, that has had a life changing event.
The natural reaction is to back off and believe that others are catering to your needs.
Worth reaching out to them, saying you are feeling better but would welcome a chat over coffee and I suspect you would get a positive response.
Sometimes people need to be asked , cued, given a direction. Have you actually asked them to do something specific and they have failed you ? Or has it been generic offers of help? Maybe now is the time to reach out to your friends and ask for their support if you need it ?
Wishing you a speedy and comfortable rehab physically and mentally from another hearty ❤️❤️❤️
Hi DWizza. Thank you for responding. I haven't asked for anything specific (not in my nature), however, I have said I'm really lonely and could do with a chat over a coffee ......no response. I guess people have their own problems and don't want to take on others 🤔 x
How about following it up again ? I do hope you find a solution . I’m pretty sure I had/have a touch of ptsd following my 4x bypass surgery post nstemi . Makes me see things and react but differently to pre surgery scenarios . 👊🏻❤️
I can totally relate to your post. Even before my heart attack and multiple stents, it was always me who contacted friends and family first. After my event, I had lots of offers of help, but very few of those offers actually happened. I get days when I'm very low and lonely, and because of my family history, I feel like I'm just waiting for a second event to happen (just like it happened to my father and brother - even though they had all the medication and stents fitted). I have found that I now have bouts of bad anxiety regarding my future. It's a lonely place and at the end of the day - I suppose everyone is on their own. It's so good we have this forum that we can reach out to. It has really kept me going over the last few months. Good luck and best wishes to you.
BC4ever. Thank you for responding. I thought it was just me. I used to be the life and some of the party and everyone loved coming around....sadly even Champagne goes flat!. I'll not give in, just focus more on me in the future. All the best to you xx
not quite same as you Blackhawk..but I am in Worcester..I felt unsure and forgotten after my diagnosis.Eventually rang Heart Failure Nurses at Worcester Royal.This was very useful..arranged Cardio Rehab and had a nurse allocated who I had several sessions with.Linked into the system.There is also a group who meet monthly for people who’ve had Heart arracks..Heart Failure etc..I also rang the British Heart Foundation help line they were also very understanding.I think maybe you are thinking of friends and family etc ..I think many people until experiencing these things can’t cope with how others may be feeling..Good luck and you’re welcome to contact me about local things Take care
After my HA/CA I retreated into myself. All I thought about was me. I felt so alone. I wasn't allowed to go back to work so had loads of time just by myself. I felt like a victim. A lonely sad victim. It wasn't anyone elses fault I had a heart attack. But I needed to talk but there was nobody to talk to. Everyone one was getting on with their lives. What about me though. So I met with people and talked it all out. And it helped. But I had to go to them first.Maybe you feel the same.
The occasional phone call or message means a lot more than 'you know where we are if you need anything' . I don't think people mean to be cruel but with busy lives society has become selfish.
Nothing to do with heart problems, but this is normal. People feel they have to say something, but often not follow it up. When a colleague's husband died I said I knew she had a lot of friends and family around but since she did not drive, if ever she needed to go anywhere, just ask and if I could I would take her.
Some weeks later when we were chatting she told me that she had received lots of "anything you need", that had come to nothing, but I was the only one who had told her what I was able to do.
Hello, I can totally relate to your post and am so sorry you are coping with this alone but with the unwavering support of your husband. I don't know why this happens but I am afraid it is not uncommon. One thing I learnt after a major heart attack and the ongoing heart issues as a result is that you definitely learn who those people, friends and family are that are there for you/care for you and become important to you. work colleagues of many years didn't even contact me and although I wasn't able to go back to work had made clear that they didn't feel comfortable working with a manager who had a major life changing event particularly as it happened at work! I have changed and now am not interested in those people that have turned their backs/only contact me if they need /want something or are not nice to me /others. I have learnt that their behaviour is theirs and they need to get on with their lives. I am lucky that I too had/have the unwavering support of my husband and now have a very small group of friends /family who have been there and continue to be so. I really hope you are able to find those people. Don't fret over the' why' people do this as you will not find the answers. It is very early days for you and I hope you are able to continue your improvement positively x
thank you for taking the time to respond to me. I think what I find so difficult is that I'm a giver, will do pretty much anything for anyone and have always put others first. I can't do that now unfortunately, and I have to come first, I just never thought it would be on my own. Need to find myself a bridge, get over it and jog on. xxx
You are welcome and I know exactly what you are saying as you sound very much like me in putting others first. You do have to come first, we have been given a second chance and need to embrace that. It may seem as though you are on your own but remember you have your husband and I am sure there will be others , maybe just not obvious yet. This kind of event is not easy to get over and it will take time. I am always very happy to chat if you need it , just reach out xx
I had friends also disappear but my worst concern was the total lack of help from the cardiac department. It seemed like a case of "We fixed your plumbing, now go away". I wasn't allowed rehab as I use a wheelchair, only got the discharge letter to my GP which needed a medical degree to understand it and that was it. My GP was brilliant but it's not the same.
Oh crikey. It is a bit disorientating when your discharged isn't it, but I was so desperate to get out and be with my dog that I didn't care. For the people that have disappeared, I'll call them out on it face to face. That's my way of doing stuff. I went to an initial rehab meeting but had so many questions we ran out of time - they didn't get a chance to weigh, measure or anything 😢🤔
Keep at the rehab. It’s nice to spend time with people who understand exactly what you’ve been through. It also got me on to a schedule that I’ve more or less kept to afterwards.
Content on HealthUnlocked does not replace the relationship between you and doctors or other healthcare professionals nor the advice you receive from them.
Never delay seeking advice or dialling emergency services because of something that you have read on HealthUnlocked.
Recovery post heart bypass.
Triple heart bypass recovery 
Moving On Post Heart Attack...
Heart bypass & Recovery 
Struggling mentally after heart attack.
