Well I gave in and on Thurday afternoon went home sick from work! First time in a year and have spent 3 days feeling sick and aching and generally just completely washed out. The sofa now has an imprint of my fat bum and many a cheesy tv programme was watched but I have to say I must have needed it as feel better today. I hit a wall and gave in which I have never done and it was quite a spiritual if not a realisation that the old me has gone and I will never be the energetic, carefree, party animal that I was. I felt quite low and couldnt explain what I was feeling to family.
The truth of the matter is, is that after 3 years of being diagnosed I have finally accepted I have BD. I don't think I ever truly accepted it and just thought I would get over it.
WOW, well my OH has been away for Easter with his children and I spent 48 hours comtemplating my future. I have brought out my old art kit. (Going to try painting again). I am going to try to swim once a week and I am going to start writing poetry and stories again like I used to. All things that BD will have to accept. It has been a very deep and meaningful few days with me talking to myself and planning a future with BD and not fighting it!
I felt quite depressed but now somehow feel like a new me can take over and I will try new things that BD allows. I might start an evening class or something but whatever happens I am a new me!
This is a bit deep and want to cry as I type this but I feel I can be open on here and let the true inner me be honest.
I would raise a glass or a chocolate bunny to the new me but dont drink and havent had any Easter choclate (as trying to diet)!!!!
But here is the new me and goodbye to the old!!
Hugs to everyone and I hope you all have a lovely Easter. (My niece is 21 tomorrow so leaving the house for the first time in 4 days for a family meal and cannot wait).
Hugs
Angela
xx
Written by
bailey23
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Its odd Angela but I sort of hit my wall too today, I keep hoping I wake up my old self and its all been a bad dream, its such a struggle to go to work and then be fit to do anything else....I saw a post about excercising to keep fit but I am barely functioning.
I live in the moment like when I was singing on Tuesday but I was so drained for the rest of the week.
Happy Easter Angela I will try and think of things I can do like you have.
Angela sweetie........come here hun and let me give you a huge hug. (((((hugs)))))
I'm glad that at last the penny has dropped for you and you are finally accepting that life is changing. You may not see it as changing for the better hun.......but change it will and there is very little that you can actually do to stop your life evolving and BD playing a prominent part of it now.
I fought the fact that I had to suddenly lose my very precious career which I absoloutely lived for and it was like a full grieving scenario which lasted several years for me.
I am afraid that there comes a time for most of us with BD to reassess our lifestyles and consider being kinder to ourselves and what we regard as normal paid employment is often the element that suffers.
Have you looked into what your position is financially if you need to finish working completely and if you are entitled to benefits ? It may finally be time to look at all this in detail now and set the wheels in motion perhaps ?
You will probably find that if you actually grasp the nettle and make the changes yourself before they are forced upon you that you will feel more of a sense of achievement (if that is the right word for these circumstances) and feel that you have been in charge of the process and not the BD.
I am sure that whatever decisions you make regarding your employment and potentially giving it up will be well supported by your consultants so I don't think you need to worry on that count. Perhaps get in touch with them and explain the situation and see what they suggest about how to approach it all. I think this may now fall under the umbrella of the new advisors at the C of E's so maybe start there for some help.
I cannot give up work because of financial committment for at least another 4 years but that's ok as I have completely changed career and my job now is not stressful or hard on the body but I think mentally I have been very tired. The changes I have to make are more in my social life and outside interests! But hey have been googling away all sorts of things today like cake decorating and painting. No more party animal in me I'm afraid!
But I will get on with this new life and see what opportunities it brings. You never know I may finally get the book published that I was writing years ago and may well pick up the pen again!
With you in spirit darling. I am in much the same place and it is very uncomfortable and prompted very open but very negative crisis emails to my Tig. As ever she is there for me. It's good that we have people here who not only understand but empathise.
As regards your creativity - oh please go for it, my creativity has saved my life I think - writing, crafting, knitting etc. I'm just starting a new business hand dyeing luxury yarns and selling them on Etsy. Still in the setting up stage but planned for launch the first week of May.
Is there anything in your creative repertoire that you could use to bring in some cash? As you know, writing paid my mortgage for a good few years - have you looked at freelance agencies on t'interweb thingie?
No I havent Di, but may have to look into it. My main aim at the moment is to chill, relax and not let the small things bother me! I am going to forget the housework, stop worrying about others (apart from people on here) and just be me !!
Thats the plan, not sure how long it will last but hoping wach day I will do something for me!!!
Sound like quite a few of us had a quiet (through necessity) Easter break.
I'm not sure if I can pinpoint actually when the penny dropped with me but you more or less described what I had to do - stop, accept things and work out where to from here.
I'm even taking an interest in gardening! I buy the plants and seeds and my poor old mum puts them in. Not joking but she is quite happy with the arrangement.
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