Hello to Everyone and I hope today is an okay day for you all. I feel happy that I was invited to this community where we can share our journeys with pregnancy and motherhood, but before I share mine I want to explain something I’m coming to understand, please have an open mind.
Everyone has a pregnancy journey and our bodies And minds all react differently. That doesn’t mean we are stronger or weaker, but it means that we each process joy and grief and everything differently. That’s because how big motherhood is.
This is where I want to start; as a single woman I lived with my parents and wasn’t really independent. I struggled with many things but I was always positive that things happened for a reason or it wasn’t my time. Seven years later I married my best friend from church in a beautiful church wedding. My independence and freedom began.
I became very active in our church and community and the best part my husband was active as well. I was responsible for a few groups. I was able to finish grad school and get my Master’s for Education. I just needed to pass one exam for my credential. Than I got pregnant.
While pregnant I gave it my all in all my activities, because I knew that with a baby things were not going to be the same, but I guess I wasn’t ready for the emotional toll that would hit. I knew about it, but experiencing it is a whole new level.
When I talk to others about my labor, it all seems normal stuff that should happen, while I saw it as a survival story where I had arrived with no pain and no complications that later turned to almost having a c section with all the real stuff. It felt disappointing in a way, because it seemed that the whole process of childbirth had lost value and appreciation. It was like, “you had a baby, good job. Now where is the bundle of joy!” I and my story were ignored, but the baby received it all.
While pregnant, my family in law treated me like a fragile vessel and granted me my wishes. My family and church reprimanded me to take care of myself. Friends admired me for my active lifestyle. After I had the baby, the focus seemed to change. I started to feel differently and empty.
I remember staring at my newborn after I had delivered him and the doctor asking me, “what’s wrong, are you okay?” I just nodded and silent shock began to fill me, along with mixed emotions. I was a mother .
I guess I already suffered from anxiety and depression before birth, but I managed with my active lifestyle and other hobbies that distracted my mind. After birth, everything changed and the source to blame was my innocent son. Don’t get me wrong, I love him and care for him, but it felt like I also birthed an evil twin of myself.
I didn’t want to admit it or accept because of my pride or because I didn’t want to be another sick women, but everything was going wrong in my mind and so did things in my life. I had to slow down on EVERYTHING. I got PPD and PPA for sure and some thoughts that just wouldn’t help me at all.
I wish I had the time or space to go into detail, but I began to open up to my husband, my younger sister and Ministers wife only. It was hard, really hard just thinking about it gave me anxiety. My husband doesn’t want to accept it fully so that makes it worse.
It’s all overwhelming. I just can’t seem to process it all. My mind races, but my body has slowed down. I can’t find the balance or what is missing. I don’t know who I am or should be. I am happy, but only when my soon is calm and asleep, that’s when I can appreciate his tiny self. His cries make me anxious, and I know that’s what babies do. I miss him when I’m not holding him, but I also want a brake.
Yes, I have support and all that, but it’s those moments that a mother is home alone with the baby that things feel bad and ugly. We can’t expect to have someone 24/7 everyone has their own life.
I’m still hurting and finding ways to heal without taking medications. Right now I feel confident and brave, but later I will want to leave and erase everything. I guess what makes me sad is how I feel betrayed by my mind to feel like this, but it’s a daily battle.
To you who wants to create life, and can’t I am truly sorry if my negativity upsets you. My current state upsets me too. I know I am Blessed and I am grateful, but I didn’t choose to go through this, trust me. I stand by you in your suffering and your many tries to conceive, like in my many tries to get better. Things will get better, and if they don’t let’s continue trying.
Introducing my miracle twins (finally!)
Think I'm losing the baby.