trouble with family

[dolphins528]

i’m autistic and find it so hard to connect with family outside of my parents. i don’t know why but i feel overwhelmed and drained every time i have to go and see them and find it hard to have conversations with them and just check out. any suggestions on what to do?

[QuietButBold]

I try to find something which they are interested in with which I am more likely to cope talking about / taking part. I don't worry about the age group of the relative, instead, I concentrate on would we have a common interest.

If that is not possible, I try to think of in which environment might I better cope with them. In warmer weather, I might suggest we sit in the garden, go for a walk, or go to do an errand at the shops. (More relaxed for me than feeling constrained in their living room).

When visiting the home of certain (really incompatible) relatives, I would prefer to have a task / job / chore / garden maintenance, or DIY, or cooking, or ...ANYTHING else, in which to take place, rather than have to sit around pretending to enjoy the chit-chat of social conversation. I might not enjoy washing up at my house - but I LOVE doing the washing up at their home (I put an apron and my preferred kitchen gloves / my secateurs and gardening gloves in my bag ready for a visit to those relatives).

Although I find most relatives are, generally, genuinely interested to hear: what others find interesting, where they have visited different places / holidays they cave had, what things they have been doing, films they have seen, music they enjoy, food and restaurants they can recommend ...if, as with me, an Autistic person's interests, hobbies and pastimes are a bit too niche for a non-Autistic relative's interest - it can be awkward when visiting those relatives.

I find if they are prone to being unthinkingly: dismissive / judgemental / incredulous / make fun of things which I have just explained I have recently enjoyed - that can feel rather hurtful. Instead, these days I tend to steer conversation with such relatives towards potential future endeavours (if someone is a bit mean about something which has yet to happen - somehow it feels less judgemental).

When anticipating the prospect of visiting one of my particularly challenging relatives, Ahead of time, I try to put in some extra homework around finding out about events / exhibitions / visitor attractions in their area. If I spot something of interest will be held nearby their home; I suggest a visit to them and suggest that maybe we might look forward to attending the event / visit the place. That way, hopefully, there is something neutral about which to jointly discover and discuss. It doesn't always work out - but at least I will have made the effort and tried my best!

Hoping you will find, or devise, some strategies which suit you and help make dealing with relatives more rewarding and enjoyable.

[dolphins528 in reply to QuietButBold]

thank you so much for replying! you see the thing is that there isn’t a lot going on in the area where my family lives as it’s a little village so there is very little to do. and find it quite awkward as you mentioned above like washing dishes in their home as an example like they might find that quite rude as they might think that i am avoiding them. the same if i go into a different room as sometimes the conversations seem to be overwhelming they also find that rude as well and think that i am just trying to get out of the situation. and plus we generally don’t have anything in common sadly

[QuietButBold in reply to dolphins528]

If you have an absorbing / distracting art or craft interest - maybe you could do that alongside the conversation s taking place? I noticed one of my adult relatives (who I suspect also was Autistic) used to whip their knitting out of the tote bag - depending on who had dropped in uninvited for a cup of tea and a chat. Manageable visitor = no knitting. Pain of a visitor= very active knitting.

In current times, (as am older adult myself now), I find my tolerance level of uncomfortable people, or situations, or environments is once again more like that when I was a teenager (I am fed up with the energy drain of masking to fit in). For me these days, if I am entertaining someone, or visiting them, or attending a course where people keep straying the conversation way off topic; I benefit from having in my pocket or bag: some silent, unobtrusive, high fidget-value items - with which to entertain / sooth my brain and patience levels until some topic with which I can engage might emerge.

The item might be a bracelet, bangle, or silicone wrist band. Another successful one is a stainless steel prickly wire, stretchy ring, or a particularly tactile keyring fob on my house keys. Something quiet but entertaining to fidget in my hands.

One relative's household is particularly unpleasant as they will invite you for a meal at a particular time e.g. lunch. You arrive at the invited time, there is no sign of any meal preparation at all. They drone on for ages about TV game shows or something like that topic. No lunch.

You suggest about lets get the lunch going (as it is usually a cooked meal). They are not elderly, or someone who needs help in the kitchen, nor are they trying to con you into doing the work of cooking the meal.

They just seem to operate on a completely different timeline to me.

Then they suggest we go to the shops to by the important part of the meal (but they are not trying to make you pay for or contribute to the shopping). In is really frustrating.

Hours later lunch will eventually happen. By which time I am exhausted and too hungry to enjoy the food properly.

So, these days, when invited to lunch, I accept to invitation, but also "excitedly announce" I have seen a new recipe for a soup / starter or treat to eat with a cup of coffee - which I would love to try - that I will try out the recipe and bring the item / dish with me. Then two things happen:

1) I can spin out (at least some of the the conversation) around the whole process of finding the recipe, doing the shopping, making the food item, and

2) ...we at least get to eat what I have brought ...before 3 pm!

If the social event is more of a larger, longer hours of a family gathering (red alert: for my not being a happy attendee) in advance, I try and find out about the area and what is nearby. At a suitable point I take myself off for a 30 minute respite walk to find whatever it was I had found out about nearby. I take photos of anything which captures my interest along the way. On return to the gathering I can at least have some chatter to contribute and photos to share about what I had enjoyed on my walk. One of my Cousins has picked up on this walk technique (I think they might be an ADHD person?) and they sometimes ask to join me on my escape walk from a family gathering - or, as they put it: "let's bolt it while the going's good". In which case, we might loiter a little longer, somewhere else en route, over a quiet cup of coffee, before heading back into the fray!

With one of my relatives, the only way to endure the visit to their house, is for me to arrive with a boardgame for us to play. Otherwise, forever, all they want to talk about is football. Not my scene, unfortunately.

I hope you can keep trying different tactics (to best survive your family too).