struggling with diagnosis

[Tealpillow]

TW - I’m very new to all of this and don’t know all the rules. I’m having a hard time and may say some things about autism, mental health, sexual abuse, addiction that might be Triggering for people.

I want to state outright that I love my autism (it expresses itself in adorable ways, and I love myself very much) but it’s led to intense trauma and abuse (sexual, physical, and emotional) because I’m trusting. I just honestly love people and feeling joyful and happy, trying new things. Anyways, I’m 38 and just now getting a high functioning autism diagnosis (I’m not sure what else to call it, apologies if this offends). I wish I had been diagnosed sooner because it feels like I’ve ruined my own life and abused myself because I didn’t understand why I act the way I do. Soooooo much of my life has been painful and now that I know what’s going on, I’m riddled with sadness and guilt for always pushing myself outside my comfort zone. I’ve pushed myself so hard that I broke - I’ve been medicated for depression and anxiety for about 10 years, attempted suicide, had eating disorders, substance abuse, pick at my face, and currently smoke weed contantly (it’s like a warm blanket for my brain). All while working full time and taking care of my 3 kids, husband, and mom.

I’m overwhelmed and have been crying off and on for going on 5 days now. I’m so grateful to be able to function well enough to work, but I’m struggling with feeling like I’m disabled (I’m so sorry, I know that’s a bad word). I’ve been a high achiever but then got this diagnosis and discovered that all this achievement has cost me my mental health and possibly life. I’m just so overwhelmed and shocked. I can’t believe this is happening.

Anyone willing to share how you reacted when discovering your diagnosis? After these confusing feelings pass, will I be okay?

[Tronsformer]

hey Tealpillow, thank you for sharing your experiences and I’m really sorry for the the all of the horrible things have to happened to you.

We are both a similar age and my path towards diagnoses is also similar. I only caught wind of possibly being autistic a few years ago and got diagnosed this summer. The emotional impact that has had on me both positive and negative I can’t describe. Its been intense.

Apparently I’m also someone who is considered ‘bright’ or a high achiever but I struggle with this assessment but I know what you mean about the contrast of that and then trying to keep yourself from falling apart because you know your vulnerabilities.

And now like you I have so much regret over my entire life, had I known earlier, been diagnosed from the beginning, things would be different and better. But then equally we will never know and could’ve even be worse or maybe not different at all. As easy as it sounds, and I’m very very bad at this but looking forward is perhaps the best thing we can do. Although it can be brutal on us.

I’m going through a very very dark time, and whilst I can pin everything on being autistic, it kind of doesn’t matter as whether I was diagnosed or not its always been part of my very fabric. And in fact my current spiral is down to a compounding effect of many things that have happened to me in a very short space of time this year and It seems I have no way of stopping it. And I get stuck in a loop of thinking if I was not autistic I can cope etc etc. But taking distance from it, folks who are not autistic and have gone through similar and worse things also don’t have a way of managing these things. Yet this realisation is still not enough and I got back in the spiral again.

I don’t take any drugs or alcohol so can’t say if that would make things easier for me but any escape is welcome right now. Yet seeing so many in my life have their lives destroyed by substance or drink I fear even taking prescribed medication.

The only thing that has helped is whenever I have been able to take a break (which is near impossible with family + kids etc) but I plan on trying to find pockets, the odd day or half a day or more when I can and just be in a chill environment (i love nature).

Maybe finding something that connects with you that allows you to reset even for a small amount can help.

But perhaps more importantly speak to a professional and see if that can help you developing some tools to help you through tough moments.

I say this as recently I have been advised that I need to seek mental health help or just to speak to a professional. I have done this in the past but not extensively. So I’m going to pursue that and see if it helps me.

I hope you find the help you need in your journey too. But either way keep looking forward. The past will only throw up more questions the future has our answers.

[Tealpillow in reply to Tronsformer]

Thank you for taking the time to share your experience! That helps me prepare for whatever is to come… and to know that I’m not alone .

On a positive note - I woke up this morning feeling okay 👍🏼. Not great, but more hopeful that I’m on the right path.

[Fuunycat]

Firstly disabled isn't a bad word. It means you are unable to do some things and for you it might be you struggle to see the red flags in people . It is also common for autistic people who are level one (needs the least support) to be high achieves but still missing some gaps in other areas such as social . I personally find it really easy to learn facts and so did well enough in school.

With the weed, you are probably using it as a doctor might prescribe it. You are probably being overwhelmed everyday and not knowing why try to silence that part of your brain. Now that you have your diagnoses you can use the knowledge to make everyday life easier e.g. having fidgets or headphones reducing the need for the mental hug that weed seems to give. It also can be isolating and overwhelming when you do get diagnosed as suddenly everything makes sense but you are also othered at the same time. It does get better and right now it is probably good to be surrounded by those you trust and things you like.

I hope you feel more like yourself soon!

[Tealpillow in reply to Fuunycat]

These words all ring so true! Thank you for the comforting thoughts.