Relationships Advice

[Orangedolphin]

Hello, I’m 23 in a long term relationship living with my boyfriend. I love him so much. But things are a bit tricky lately. Does anyone have any top tips for maintaining healthy relationships whilst being autistic, and helping your non-autistic partner understand without being a burden?

[NotJim]

Hi,

I think being honest and open with each other is one of the best things you can do. Communication is really important, because without it it's much harder to know what's going on inside for each of you and how you're both feeling.

Also knowing when to step away, (not as in break up!) but to take some breath and recollect yourself. So for example if my partner and I ever argue, I usually have to step out to another room, let things calm down for a bit and wait for him to come to me, or vice versa, and then gently work things out.

If there's ever heated arguments, I find (for me), it's best to step away and let emotions settle before going into see how to reconcile. If things heat up again, then one or both of you aren't ready to make up yet.

When bringing up issues or problems, I would try to avoid using statements that can make the other person feel confronted. Say purely as a crazy example, a partner had been neglecting doing the cleaning (not saying this is your situation, of course. This is just a random scenario).

I could sit them down and say, "Look. You're not doing the dishes. It's making a mess. You're not contributing. You need to do something about it." This, for the other person, can make them feel attacked, because we're saying "you", "you", "you", every time. Anyone on the receiving end of this can end up feeling more defensive than responsive.

So alternatively I could sit them down and say, "So, the dishes. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by them. They're mounting up and I'd really appreciate if you could help more with them."

By saying "I", and explaining how you feel, you're inviting the other person to empathise rather than go on the defensive.

Similarly, if there was an argument and you needed to discuss it, then rather than saying "You're in the wrong, and you let me down," saying "I felt let down by this and I want to know what we can do now," again, shows how you feel about the situation, how it's affected you, and invites the other person into negotiations about how it can be put right.

However, if this were a situation where the other person had been threatening, controlling (emotionally or physically), or putting you down, being abusive (emotionally or physically), or demeaning, then your safety must be the highest priority. I'm by no means assuming this is your situation, just wanted to put it there just in case for anything. It sounds like you have a lot of love for this person, which is lovely.

Overall, being honest with yourselves, and being open and communicative with each other, and listening are very important things for a healthy relationship. Knowing where your boundaries are, is also very important.

As for being a burden, a healthy relationship should mean that you support each other equally. Love from the heart is unconditional, it can be easy to pour so much of our efforts into looking after the person we love, but it can be harder to accept it from them when they do it back. (My partner and I actually bicker about who does the washing up because we don't want the other one to have to do it!) Of course, we love these people a lot, and don't want to put pressures on them, especially if it's something we don't have full control over like the symptoms that come with being on the Autistic spectrum. But again, a healthy relationship involves honesty, and sometimes we have to be a bit brave in admitting to the ones we love that we need a bit of extra support, or space, or whatever it may be. If they really love you, they would want to help look after you because that's the smooshy, but also very potent and important, stuff love is. It's not just about the hugs and kisses, it's about working as a team, through life's challenges.

[Tronsformer]

Hey Orangedolphin,

I’ve been with my partner for 19 years and we’re great together. We’ve definitely had our rocky patches and a couple where we actually though if we can even continue because things got so bad.

Sometime we’re out of sync and othertimes we might be going through something seperately (pressure, depression, even elation at times etc) that is causing things to be off or worse.

Since discovering my Autism last year, I’ve found that communicating how this has been affecting me has be educational for both of us. It puts some of our rocky moments in perspective too. So if I have a meltdown or sensory overload I can lash out, becuase I want it to stop. Typically this could lead to an argument. And it still can but now I can see what it bothering me so we can avoid it. Or if it can’t be avoided than we navigate it. Equally when I feel low I retreat into my shell, masking kicks in and I suffer in silence. Now that my partner is aware of this in more detail it helps put things in context for them too.

But I think patience is key talking through your issues with one another is critical when both of you have time and the attention for one another to do so (life is busy & hectic these days). Definitely share any troubles, sticking points you are having or emotions you are feeling. Also give your boyfriend time and space to express and share their point of view too. It might be tough for either of you to listen to but we’ve found it to be a healthy thing.

Also be sure to talk about the good times and never forget those

Overall balance and understanding is key,

Everythings going to be great

[PassionFruit6]

choose someone who doesn’t make your autism feel like a burden as everyone has something but they enjoy or appreciate those as your quirks and are happy to support.

The below reply is fantastic so I couldn’t add much more. As it’s about the qualities of the person patience, empathy, willingness to try, open minded and flexible, someone who makes you feel safe and comfortable when at your worst, problem solver without being controlling etc.