Depression after hearing potential diagnosis for the first time

*Trigger warning - abuse*

Hey everyone, I'm brand new here and I'm just a bit lost.

I have no idea what to say really, but I found out on Friday via a complex needs team (UK) that they think I need an urgent ASD assessment.

I feel confused, depressed, frustrated and scared. But also, this "label" fits me so much better than BPD/EUPD - although I do have emotional regulation issues and trauma. I've been having manic episodes and dissociating too.

Ive sort of just gone into my shell and shut down. I'm exhausted and at full capacity but also hate taking up space as I care so so so much about everyone I love and just have a lot of hate for myself after carrying so much emotional trauma and guilt around with me for years and years (I'm 33), and I'm also feeling so angry at the people who sexually nd emotionally abused me and used me. How could they do that to a child?

Anyway I'm not sure what I'm looking for here, I was signposted to this community. I'm so confused but also struggling to articulate how I feel.

Hoping to find some support / insight I guess?

Thank you 😊 and I really hope everyone is doing ok.

[NotJim]

Hey,

Nice to meet you mate, I'm from the UK too. It sounds like you've really been through the mill, and I'm sorry for what you've had to go through, and what you're dealing with right now. Very understandable that it's difficult to articulate how you feel.

I've been using this site for a while now, and I've come to understand that it's a place where people with experiences of Autism and ASD (either having it themselves, or who are looking for more info, considering getting a diagnosis, or are supporting someone with it, etc.) post their thoughts and queries. Your posts get answered by the users themselves, who can offer their grain of wisdom based on their own insight and lived experiences. (Like now, for example. I'm no expert, but I'll give my pennie's worth from what I've learned through my own dealings with mental health, emotional upheaval and ASD)

It's good you've got a team working with you, and I hope they can help you with what you're dealing with. If you've been referred for an ASD assessment I'd treat that as a good thing. The symptoms of ASD can sometimes be misdiagnosed as BPD, (I've had this happen to a friend of mine). ASD is a vast spectrum and every case is unique. I was diagnosed myself back in 2017. Whatever the outcome, I'd treat it as an exercise in understanding how your mind works. It might give you more insight into how and why you respond to certain scenarios, how you interact with others, etc. It can be a long process, i'm not sure if emergency assessments are a little shorter, but is worth seeing through. And as far as possible, I would try and go through it without judging yourself, both in the past and now. It's better to keep an open mind and to be fair to yourself. (I know easier said than done, especially if you're at a low ebb, but it's just learning about your brain, and what it does. We only get one, and it's pretty valuable!)

Obviously, if there is a lot of emotional / mental stress going on for you at the moment, and you're experiencing burn out, it can be helpful to find yourself a safe space where you can allow your mind to wind down and feel comforted. Mental/emotional burn out is exhausting, physically too (i've had severe anxiety attacks that left my whacked out for days), and it makes it harder to deal with everything you're going through, as well as the normal day to day stuff. So having somewhere to feel safe, to recharge, to do what helps you feel ok, is very important. This can be anywhere; a room in your house, a good blanket, the music that you love the most etc.

It makes total sense you're feeling a serious range of churning emotions over what you've gone through. Those sort of experiences leave us feeling at odds with ourselves and the people involved. I'd say talking about how you're feeling with an experienced counsellor (if you're not doing so already), could be helpful. There are online therapy/counselling sessions available through the NHS such as IESO iesohealth.com/

They can help you talk through what you've gone through, and together you can work to find ways of responding to, and coping with, what you're feeling.

It's lovely you have people who you care so much about, but it will be damaging for you if you hate yourself for carrying your trauma for so long. Traumatic experiences don't come with a handbook with how to deal with them, and it's only more harmful if we start hating ourselves for how we've carried it. Self-hatred is like constant salt in the wounds, and won't let them heal. It's so hard to not hate ourselves or feel that guilt, of course, and it takes up so much energy, but the harder path is often the most worthwhile in the end.

Right now, I'd take some time out, find that safe space where you can go and chill or do things that can help comfort yourself and allow you to feel safe. Doing that can help recharge you, as you work through the ASD assessment, and the emotional things you're dealing with.

And also remember there are always people willing to listen if you need to reach out to them. Keep friends and people you trust close, be gentle with yourself as if you were caring for one of the people you love. If you hit a bad time, I find yelling into a pillow helps, and talking to someone about it. I've also found walks in the open air can also be good for when the mental health is playing up; it's not a be all and end all solution, but small things like walks, a chat, time in your safe space, can help alleviate the pressure for that day.

Trauma sucks, but our relationship with it changes over time. I hope you can feel better in yourself, and that the ASD assessment is a useful insight for you.

All the best mate

[Bee-bop]

Hi there,

As Jim says the forum is for people with ASD or experience of it in some capacity. BPD and ASD can be really similar and the fact that they are saying you need an urgent assessment is really good as we waited 3 years. It will hopefully help you get the support you need and help you understand your diagnosis and hopefully feel less frightening. We are here from an experiential prospective of ASD to help support you. Just curious, have you ever been offered therapy for the trauma you have had? It may be worth asking for it if not.