23yo woman in need of help

[S4tori]

I'm sorry if I'm invading because I haven't been for diagnosis.

I keep reading about autism in women and it strongly resonates but I also feel I can't trust myself to say for sure this could be"it".

Maybe I was just a misfit? The only thing that was never clear to me is the fact that I have 4 brothers and a sister and have changed so many schools since we would move often-I always had motivation to be socially active and tried to accomplish lot of things I objectively thought aren't too hard-but I just kept failing and failing and I don't understand why to this day. Both in social aspect and in school, I have always tried my best with little result.

I kept being late ever since I started school-I would get up and rush determined I will not be late this time...but time always slipped like sand through my fingers and I would end up being late without even noticing. It cost me finishing my high school education(equivalent to GCSE)and made all the teachers angry at me because they deemed me being late or skipping classes disrespectful, when I never was trying to do that. The same with jobs-I would do mistakes I was completely unaware of and then not knowing how to stand up for myself or make it right, this was so overwhelming and as a waitress people kept bullying me. Teachers would get really angry if I didn't want to answer some question but I was never intending to provoke, I just...didn't know how to respond, I'd feel cut off but could still hear, everyone interpreted this as being flegmatic anyway.Some days I just couldn't make myself go out of the house because seeing people or just walking outside felt too much.

I remember always looking at floor when on the way to school, I was scared people are looking at me. I still feel very odd just walking down the street and feel like people are seeing something strange on me. I remember discussing with my older brother how to keep a normal posture and relax when walking. He noticed I walk"too right". Too stiff. It's funny because I told him the same-when he walks he looks very uncomfortable and often leans more to one side. I think I could say for sure he's a good example of men on autism spectrum and he has told me he thought of it too when I mentioned. When he's nervous he'll kinda move head side to side or body or tap with his foot in a way that almost seems involuntary. He has to force himself to make eye contact and has been"typical quiet"ever since I can remember. I don't think I do this but I can't stand seeing myself talking. I feel my mouth move oddly and my voice is weird and I talk too slow and my face doesn't match what I'm saying...

I don't know. I just have hard time getting along with anyone, I can feel they think I'm awkward and talking feels tiring for both sides.

I see some traits in my other brothers and my mum so that's why I feel it's a possibility.

I'm worried maybe I'll miss some signs in my son(he's only 2 now)and that the way I'm acting will negatively affect him.

I went to GP three times during these three years regards mental health but I've been neatly written off every time, I feel I'm just wasting everyone's time so I don't know what to do.

Sorry for long post

[Glad2BDifferent]

Hello S4tori

Straight off the bat, please do not apologies for saying what you need to say....I commend you for finding the strength to say what you think and feel

Is that not the concept of communication?

As an Aspergers person myself, to have had to endure changing schools so regularly would have been too much for me to cope with, so having gotten where you are today regardless of the outcome, you have travelled a long and difficult path for so very long and not given up ! For this alone, I salute your courage and the will to keep going

You are not a misfit, as there is no true normal in this world how can anybody be ? We all are unique in our own charming and special way, the difference is that the masses all toe the line in fear of being an outcast or alone in the world. Autistic people have there own world which makes sense to us so the one going on around us outside our own bubble is of little or no consequence until the two inevitably collide (The sky falls down on those days) You sound as though you have been through your own kind of hell already, so now you need to stop and just breathe S4tori!

I am from the UK and yes, I too found the medical establishment were far too uneducated to realise the depth and mental difficulties being an autistic adult has to contend with. As children we all at some point become aware of our self and pass into sentience... Asking about our own mortality, our purpose and that lesson is something our parent guide us through (If guide is the right word).

As Autistic people learn more through direct instructions, not what we see going on around us (Normally I was too wrapped up in my own reality to notice the one going on outside), so that in itself is what many people do not realise. Becoming aware of being so different, wanting to be a part of society, having to try so hard where everyone else just already gets it, feeling so isolated, surrounded by wicked and unsympathetic humans who treat you as the latest ball to kick...... If I had a penny for every time I just wished they had to go through how I felt and thought....well I would not be working now

Having to come to terms with what and who you are will become your real education and graduating will be the start of your journey as the person you have suddenly bumped into which made you right on this website...Yourself

Firstly my nephew was identified whilst he was in school as having the right traits of an Asperger child and was referred and supported by the school as well as my sister was supported by the government financially, so at least your son will not fall through the cracks you are so worried about... You are his parent and no matter what, your love alone will give you the strength to guide him on his journey in life regardless of what he has. Do not under-estimate yourself, as you cannot fail him. Being a parent has no manual or book to guide you, so how can any parent say they will fail their child... As long as you support him, love him and always there to help him, you already have all you need within you to be that person they will look up to and be the centre of his universe for all time

If you are in the UK, then we have a charity called the National Autistic Society and you definitely should pay them a visit if it is at all possible. They helped me learn so much in work and social training, guided me to getting my diagnosis (I was one of those who had to know and get the black and white certificate to say I was)

The world was built on what was dreamed, realised and created by autistic minds... so do not think you are incapable or a failure S4tori... you are the one person able to help you and that is the best way to start

[S4tori in reply to Glad2BDifferent]

Thank you for taking time to answer. I was thinking what next? Even tho my baby is only 2 I feel he is showing some signs. He gets very upset when he hears sirens(like someone just poked him with a needle he jumps up and feels to cry, he gets scared despite hearing them every now and then since we live close to street), I need to call him many times before he responds to his name, he acts aggressive for no obvious reason(like he'll come to hug me and then starts to clench his jaw and pinch me or bite me or sometimes he'll bang his head against floor or wall), he'll often try to take some clothes off as if they are uncomfortable(even tho they are all loose and soft), he does a lot of repetitive things(spinning in circles, clicking light switch), he was obsessed with toy cars(I just gave all away so he plays with something else)...he can say quite a lot of words but he still rather babbles without meaning. He doesn't make a lot of eye contact or seeks my attention unless he needs something opened etc, then he'll drag me to the thing he needs help with until I figure out what he wants...I don't know it is hard to tell because some of these are very much typical 2 year old but. I emailed the auitistic org you linked and I guess I should make a GP app(but ask for someone else because the guy GP always dismissed my concerns and feel he won't be helpful...I'm hoping to just find out what's the matter. If it is the case, that diagnosis may be helpful for me to convince my other family members they might be dealing with the same...and maybe it would convince my partner I'm not making up stories...I don't know, maybe none of it happens. I feel I'm doomed either way.

And when I mentioned changing schools and having a lot of siblings, I meant to say I would expect someone to be well adapted or somehow gained benefits from all the experience...for me it was almost opposite, it kept me getting in more troubles and things were getting worse. My brother who I'm sure is on spectrum somehow got to school on time and had good grades; he's now studying physics. For me it was always a struggle except few subjects I enjoyed. I like organising-that's what I remember doing since always, sorting my toys and books and all stuff around me in a specific way-but it seems I just think I'm organised. Something always goes wrong and it comes out as same as if I never even planned. Well anyway, I will try to check. I have no other option left. I just know all these failures were not all my fault. I tried so hard, it hurts me when people say I'm lazy, didn't try hard enough or that I'm"averagely incapable"(or what some would call"stupid"). It's just overwhelming to live with, along with other things that went wrong.

[Glad2BDifferent in reply to S4tori]

It sounds as though you have so many questions and your mind is on a dozen things simultaneously S4tori.. it may feel as though the problem is too big to deal with or you have no idea where to star, but it's lots of individual issues, so you need to tackle them one at a time and for that... you need to prioritise what is most important first and in time the rest will all fall into place.

To answer the question "What next"?

Asperger's people all have a sensitivity to something... light, sound, temperature, texture, silence... and also to more than one sense as well. If your son jumps at certain sounds or tones, it is quite possible he, like all of us has a sensitivity to specific sounds. It is something you never get over, you just learn over time how to cope with those scenarios S4tori. It is part of the gift we have and yes it can be extremely distracting and upsetting, so having to break his concentration on what is irritating or upsetting him is quite understandable and normal for him (I too have certain sounds that drive me to utter distraction and it takes all my focus to get through them even after 40 years of practice) You need to understand that your little man is learning to deal with the world around him and it will be something you both need to work on. From his perspective, he has no concept of thinking about other people only what he is going through and if he wants attention, he will do things people think are barmy or abnormal to achieve this... there is nothing wrong with that! He has found a way to get what he needs and if that works...he will always do it until he finds a better way. We all are like this S4tori, but for a little boy... it's a case of he is still learning how to cope with the world he is aware of. You need to do things the same way he does to you as he understands that... If taking you to a problem he has is what he does...you must also lead him to what you want him to help you with...see its a case of communicating with him the same way as he does.

With regards to clothing not appearing comfortable for him... he may not like being too hot as asperger's people typically are a couple of degrees warmer than most others, so if he feels warm...do not go mad on wrapping him up. I still can go around in the snow with a T-shirt and shorts!

In short, you can help your little man by getting help from people who have good experience in helping. It takes courage to ask for help, but as you are asking you should work out what's most important to help you and your son. Oh and if your GP is no use in these matters, ask for a GP or speak to the NHS about finding someone who can help you both (Priority 1 here)

I had a GP that shoved anti-depressants at me and said I was depressed! (I eventually got my diagnosis and took it to educate him) There is nothing wrong with you S4tori... you simply are different from what most people can understand! You can only help yourself and your son by getting some support in place for you! If you are working in the UK, the government have made it the law that your organisation supports you also that you are entitled to mental and medical support regardless of who you are and what you have done. Just take a breath and focus your thoughts on what needs doing most (normally the thought that almost always is chasing you in your mind day and night)

Break the problem into pieces you can tackle S4tori and also get that partner of yours on your side instead of working against you. If it comes to it, I can give him some insight into what being autistic means and the daily hardships it creates....

Just close your eyes for a moment and take a few slow deep breaths in through your nose and out of your mouth.. you can do this S4tori as you are intelligent enough and functional enough to ask these questions, it is a case of stop chasing your tail and start chasing for answers ! Put that nervous energy to good use and FOCUS

if your stuck or having a bad mind day....it's okay really. Nobody has a perfect life and the tough days make the good days better and they slowly help you find your confidence as you learn to deal with the tough times more easily. Do not give up and certainly do not give in S4tori

Take care of your tribe and yourself :->