In sickness and in health: Study looks at how married couples face chronic conditions.

[2greys]

Individuals often manage chronic conditions in middle and later life that may diminish well-being. Little is known, however, about discordant conditions (i.e., two or more conditions with competing self-management requirements) among older couples and their links to depressive symptoms. We considered discordant conditions at both the individual level and the couple level (i.e., between spouses), along with their long-term implications for depressive symptoms

academic.oup.com/psychsocge...

[Hidden]

It definitely tests individuals when they become the caregiver for a sick spouse. The sick spouse is thinking I didn’t ask for this illness. However, the well spouse is thinking the same at times. I’ve been married close to 35 years and I know my wife has her moments. She feels I get all the sympathy and she is simply expected to be the joyful caregiver. In which it’s not always a joy. Also, just adjusting to the empty nest phase. Kids serve as a buffer. Once they are gone a couple are forced to reacquaint My point being, it takes a lot of communication and work. It takes being appreciative which I certainly am. I’ve always been a hard worker. I do all I can for myself. I’ve provided well for my family over the years. My wife has always appreciated my work ethic. This is a topic I don’t see much on here. I believe it’s out there though.

[2greys in reply to Hidden]

I have to agree with you on every point.

[Hidden in reply to 2greys]

I cannot agree more. Illness tests all your family life as you know it . Maz

[judes]

My parents were married for over 50 years my mother looked after Dad for the last year of his life. I’m sure it put a strain on them both but as mother said when they got married it was in sickness and in health.

As for me my relationship broke down completely but as I say, Alexa better than a husband does what it’s told!

J

[Fisherboy]

My husband has been battling bronchiectasis for 20 years. Every year something new seems to be added to his list of ailments, arthritis, inflammatory bowel disease, non Hodgkin lymphoma, abscess on spine, sepsis now sinusitis. He has been hospitalised often. It is now being suggested that he has an Uganda deficiency which is treated by an immunoglobulin infusion every 3 weeks. We have been married for 48 years. Although I am not technically his carer as he manages his conditions very well, our life as a couple is very restricted.? I find the lack of holidays etc to look forward to very difficult as does he. We cannot gofor walks together , so retirement has been more difficult. I now take citalapram and this has helped enormously as I am much more able to cope with the resentment I sometimes feel. We have adapted and care for each other enormously but it is not easy. My husband is often understandably depressed and resentful of all the young years we lost. I am trying to be honest and know we should be grateful as there are many many other who have things a lot worse. Just wanted to add to the debate. Thank you for listening.

[Bella395]

Research is useful but only if it effects beneficial change. As a carer of someone with several illnesses I would say that it is the hardest thing I have done and it is at a time of life in which one is ill equipped to deal with the mental and physical strains.

I don’t feel sorry for myself but this has had a huge effect on my health and I do not think that I will ever fully recover. My main concern is for my OH who has far more to cope with than me.

[Oldspark]

My wife and I have been married for just a tad over fifty years now, and I used to be quite active, now being diagnosed with advanced pulmonary fibrosis, and I am on oxygen, yes I get very frustrated that I cannot do all the things I used to do, and it seems that I take it out on my wife, we argue more than we used to.

I have also lost a lot of confidence in my self, I rarely drive now, I do not like to go out of the house, so I guess this is also a cause of the problem? Being together virtually all the time.

I did manage to go to the local hardware store, but I found it both frustrating, and being self concience of walking around with a cylinder with a cannula up my nose.

My wife is very supportive, but I feel like I am a burden on her.

I like a glass or two of wine, ( red malbec) most evenings. But as my wife does not drink any alcohol at all, she have that I am drinking too much, but the only pleasure I have, is my model railway, but then I am in the wrong, or so it seems, that I spend too much time and money on that.

Sorry to go on. But I had to get this off my chest.

So in response to the original statement. Yes illness does affect a marriage, besides the for better or worse.

[watergazer]

I'm sure that my sister being carer for her husband actually killed her . He had a massive stroke - well several in short succession- which changed their lives completely. He became immobile and his personality changed for the worse. He also was diabetic . She had a heart problem. One night she fell out of bed and died in hospital a few hours later- I'm pretty sure she gave up as shed had enough . The caring took a great toll on her

[astragal]

Good morning everyone

I was married 32 years, I had challenging health issues throughout the years, including thoracic surgery. My husband would be there every day when I was in hospital, even after working long hours, he spent every spare minute with me. He helped and cared for me in every way necessary.

Three years ago he was diagnosed with kidney cancer with widespread metastasis.

I was there but there was nothing I could do to change it. This was the hardest thing I found, basically the next months were a long goodbye.

Since the beginning of the relationship, first and foremost we were friends. Indeed as time went on we found that all we needed was each other. We shared similar sense of humour which helped, both people who liked order and efficiency, perhaps our background in the armed service. Throughout it all it never seemed to occur to us to want anything more than we had.

Every relationship changes and develops for good or bad. People may have expectations or needs that aren’t met or change. I suppose within all of us there is a point of acceptance, things we may or may not be willing or able to deal with.

In the case of chronic ill health, I don’t know if any one really knows how they will react. Emotions and thoughts may be mixed, disappointment, confusion, resentment, anger, sadness, pity, guilt, denial, duty.........

Personally, I wouldn’t have wanted him to stay out of duty or pity.

Both will have to decide what they can accept, adapt to and what compromises they are content with.

Oldspark mention of his enjoyment of model railways made me think of my husband, his passion was cars and motorbikes, especially classic cars, both British and American. His last birthday before diagnosis I managed to find a 1955 American Ford Crestline. He spent many happy hours working on it or under it, washing it, waxing it and eventually driving it. He needed that outlet from the responsibility of work and life’s aggravations.

So I hope you continue to find pleasure in the model railways Oldspark. Actually it’s something I wish I had pursued years ago.

My apologies for the ramble. Anyway, I hope everyone has the care, respect and support they deserve whether it be from a partner, relative or friend.

Best wishes

[majji in reply to astragal]

Having read astragal's excellent and considered response I have to say that I hope all who are in this sort of situation keep it in mind - it will never be an easy situation to manage so please try to get your GP if you are in the UK. To Oldspark I think you really need to engage in some serious conversations either through a counsellor or someone who can help you with depression which you will undoubtedly need some help with. As to the drinking I doubt that will be of any benefit to you - it never is and will just worry your wife even more I imagine so perhaps you could consider trying to cut it down just a little?

As to your model railway if it helps you take your mind off your current situation then carry on with it - if it makes you enjoy your time a little more then it will do you good, however don't forget to try to involve your wife and discuss it with her - tell her you care about her and even ask if she would like to assist you in some way with it - I understand quite a few wives do get involved in model railway clubs.

Stop worrying about how others perceive you with or without a canula up your nose - stop being vain that is their problem not yours! Above all if you love your wife you must try to work this out together - would you really rather be on your own? - We can all become selfish and unthinking in this type of situation and depression will also smother your ability to re establish your relationship with her and that is not something you really want to lose as it will become even more valuable to you if you allow it to do so! This issue can make you feel very alone if you let it! I type with such fervor as I am on very high doses of steroids at present and am talking and typing for England - and feel obliged to offer words of I hope wisdom and support? You can tell me if I failed.

MY THANKS GO OUT TO 2GREYS FOR POSTING THIS - I now need to go and rest as I have had a busy day having an MRI of the brain and another one due on Sunday of the spine!

[Superzob]

Bit of a depressing read, but then the research does seem simply to confirm the blindingly obvious! It reminds me of a classic piece of Canadian research which concluded that a Sikh turban had less impact resistance than a safety helmet - now who would have guessed!?

[majji in reply to Superzob]

Hi Superzob, yes it would appear to be blindingly obvious however if you are actually in or going through that sort of situation it is very difficult to see the wood for the trees . . . I just hope that my thoughts help just a little - take care to all . . .

[Superzob in reply to majji]

Absolutely right! Hope I didn't offend anyone by appearing too flippant on such a serious issue.

I spent 6 years dealing with research tenders, and it is often the case that these projects are proposed to prove an existing hypothesis which might seem obvious, but for which there is no hard evidence. No harm in that, of course, but I do wonder sometimes if it's money well spent.

[majji in reply to Superzob]

No I am sure you didn't offend anyone, please don't worry and yes I do agree that the money for this sort of research could be far more carefully spent - take care