I did something really stupid Friday night...I got really drunk and went out for a drive. I stayed up until 5:15am and couldn’t bear being in the house. Luckily nothing bad happened.
Even though I feel ok in myself at the moment, the steroids are helping and I’m hardly using my inhaler, it could be so much worse. I’m struggling mentally to cope.
I keep telling myself to “man up”. I can still work, and I probably could still live a long “healthy” life.
I do feel like the steroids are changing me a bit, I feel more bitchy at work, saying and doing things I wouldn’t normally. I feel like nobody cares apart from my husband who is very worried about me, especially my mental state which I had suffered with for a few years now.
I’ve always been a responsible person, but waking up yesterday made me feel like a complete loser. I’ve never done anything like that. And I worry I could be on a reckless path.
I still haven’t had a proper diagnosis as my specialist was on annual leave last week, and to be honest, I’m not in hurry to find out, even though I know it might mean moving by beautiful birds outside. At least that’s better than rehoming them, I just don’t want them outside. I’m trying to see the silver linings in all of this, and I know there are so many people out there who are so much worse than me. So why can’t I deal???
Last year I was struggling to figure myself out and felt so hopeless. So I changed my career and made changes that helped me to figure out myself, but with all this, I feel so lost again. And worried if I’ll make any of the goals I’ve set myself 😔