I had phoned during the night to inquire how he was doing. I fell asleep around 3.30 am and at 6 the hospital rang to say could we come Dad had taken a turn for the worst.
Bea got the car out and we went up in 20mns. I was silly because he said we wait for you, I thought how can he? I didn’t understand Dad was on a ventilator.
So we said our goodbyes, I phoned my brothers so they could say theirs, thanks to modern technology, they spoke to his ear, hopefully he could hear them somewhere...
So they disconnected him and we held him as his heart disappeared off the screen.
They don’t give you much time to recover..then started the paperwork, Bea took over I just had to sign things..We had to go to the care home and decided to clear his things then it was done.
I said let’s go to a café for lunch so we could go home and phone family and friends for Thursday. At 4pm we had the funeral parlour to finalise things. A long day.
I took a photo of Dad at peace after he was washed, selfishly I hope it will help me forget the images of the previous day. It wasn’t humane.
As I said to my brothers it was between medical incompetence and wanting to fight the invincible.
During the day I got angry a few times, Bea said I think my Mum is going through the five phases of grieving in one day!
Thank you for your support during those tough days. 💕
I am so sorry for your loss words can't help you with the pain you are feeling. I only pray that knowing that we feel and try to understand even a tiny bit of your pain helps you in some way grieve a bit easier lean on the people you need to and cherish all the wee anecdotes that you will hear over the next wee while much love sent to you and your family xoxoxo
Yes Carole thank you so much..watching Cary Grant as an angel on BBC2..Dad loved those old movies. I could do with an angel 😇 and wish I could fill up my glass with a flick of a finger!! Xxx
Oh Fran I'm so so sorry. At least he's at peace now and no longer in pain, and you have no regrets as you did your very best for him right to the end. You were the best daughter he could have asked for and Bea did you proud too. Sending you love and cuddles honey...xx💐💐
So very very sorry for your loss. My condolences to you and your family. My heart goes out to you. I truly wish I could take your pain away. He will always be with you in your memories and heart. xoxoxo
you have my deepest empathy; i very recently lost my partner, in dire circumstances, aged only 58; the grieving process takes all forms; how long it lasts is anyones guess; i hope your dad wasnt in any pain when he passed; hugs xxxx
It is hard but will get easier. As time goes by you will be able to remember all the good times, just now the recent events fill your mind with sadness. Try to concentrate on those around you, and find peace. Love Iris x
Oh Fran I'm so so sorry for the loss of your wonderful dad xxx You can be proud that you where there for him and at the same time you where having to manage your own illnesses going to different hospitals and then also going to France to see your mum ... my god your 1 special woman..so although this xmas will be hard i do hope you can try to have some" you" time as I'm sure your dad would of wanted that too xx x take care my lam sister xx❣🌸😊💗
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Thank you Mel my LAM sister, you are very kind 🌹Wishing you well over Christmas xx
I’m so sorry for your loss, Fran. I’ve been reading your posts about your poor Dad and I’m so sorry that you’ve now lost him. May he be at peace and I hope that you can find your own peace soon. Cherish your memories of him. With sympathy, Sue. xxx
I am so sad sweetheart to hear of your dear Dad's passing. My sincere condolences to you, Bea and all your family at this very difficult time.
I hope eventually the fact all his children could say goodbye to yiur Dad and remembering all the good times you had with him, will bring you some comfort.
Thanks Bronagh xx I had reiki this evening so my body feels better although I am very sad..once the funeral is over on Thursday I will have time to relax I think.
Have a good Christmas xx
I’m so sad for you Fran. It’s a horrible thing to lose a parent, no matter what age. I hope soon the upset of recent weeks will fade and be replaced by happy memories. I’m so glad you have your lovely Bea by your side x
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Thank you Hanne, yes Bea is wonderful, coming to the hospital with me the last 3 days despite the neuralgia left over from her shingles, plus the shock of losing her grandfather and witnessing his death. Honestly we are just going to rest for the next two days, open our Christmas presents, eat and watch tv before everyone arrives next week for the funeral on Thursday.
Hi Fran, I was at my Dads bedside when the machines were turned off after he never regained consciousness after emergency surgery, a few years back.
Being my Dad, he hung on for hours, or rather his body did, as he was not there, only his body. Then the moment I went outside to get some air he died! Typical!
My thoughts are with you and your Dad, I hope when my time comes I am as cared for and loved as your Dad has been by you.
I remember talking to a lovely little very old lady a few years ago about life etc.
She said; ‘we all come and go, dear. My Dad came and went and I will go soon too.’ In a very pragmatic way. Sometimes I have an existential moment of clarity that one day I will draw my last breath and move on to whatever comes next.
I think there cannot be much more sad a thought than dying alone uncared for.
Your Dad was loved and had you there right until he passed and that is such a kind, caring and hard thing to do.
I hope you get lots of help and support at this time and can grieve.
I read a poem by Dylan Thomas ‘Do not go gently into the night’ at my Dad’s funeral. Dylan Thomas wrote it for his own father as his father was dying.
It is very moving, and is Dylan Thomas asking, pleading with his Dad not to die; ‘rage against the dying of the light.’
But there comes a point when it is time to stop fighting and to move on I think.
Oh dear Phil..how hard..it was fast for Dad, he was breathing, mouth open and I saw the stats going down from 43 onwards..the doctor had switched the sound of..
I know that poem..so touching..
We are going to do little speeches and a book for people to write messages, stick photos in..
I had to think about the music in between..I know he liked Oistrakh playing Rachmaninov, he loved the violin, then Leonard Cohen, Susanne, my brother said Joan Baez, Bea said Mum and him were singing an Italian song last time she came, I have to ask her..
The missing his final moments was not that bad really, but just about summed up my Dad. He was a miserable and arrogant man I am afraid.
At his service I was asked to write something as my brother was useless then as well.
Anyway, I stood up to begin and looked around at the family and ‘friends ‘ attending.
I looked from face to face and thought about how he had nothing good to say about anyone there! For example, a man for whom he was the best man for back during National Service was there. I remembered one day being at Dads house and he told me that this annoying man he knew may knock as he did when passing and if he did we were not going to open the door and pretend we were not there!!!!
He did not speak to my brother in law, a lovely man, for the last 6 months because he blamed him for something the doctor said!!
Of course I still loved him and it was painful but it could have been worse. That sounds awful I know. He wasn’t a good father.
Your Dad was a great man from what I have read and I will bet you won’t have a eulogy issue, except maybe the length.
‘Ask not for whom the bell tolls...’ I believe in the sentiment there. We have lost a positive bit of humanity as a whole by the passing of your Dad. I will bet his legacy will be great in the lives of everyone he knew and helped and in his wonderful daughter.
So sorry, Fran, what a very difficult time for you and Bea. 💐💐💐 I’m afraid I did wonder when we weren’t hearing from you. May your Dad rest in peace now, in your mind as well as in reality. As many have said, you could have done no more to help him and I know you’ll have been a great comfort him in his life as well as his final illness. But Fran, he was an elderly man, struggling a great deal with his health, from what you told us. ‘To every thing there is a season....’ In the situation he was in, he may well have come to the end of his happy times on earth. Soon you’ll shed the memories of him in illness, and your mind will be flooded with memories of all his strengths in former days and of the happier times you shared. Those are the ones you need never to forget, and carry through life with you. I think as you inevitably reflect on the whole picture of your Dad as a person, you will identify those strengths and take a small part of them on yourself, as his daughter and inheritor of his life. I don’t know where all these words are coming from, but they’re are reflections on what happened to me, I suppose, as I felt worn out and marooned after my own strong father’s death. We’re shedding some tears with you, you painted such a vivid picture of the situation you were in, as you always do.
I hope the arrangements for his passing go smoothly for you, for Bea, and for your brothers, even though they left all responsibilities to you alone. My brother, who is generally kind, could not step up when my sister died. I was annoyed and disappointed at the time, but as time passed he explained that he just couldn’t come to terms with her death or approach it in any way. He knew she was not alone and that I would be looking after her to the best of my ability. When his own wife died, weeks later in a riding accident, very unfortunately, he felt it was retribution for not facing his sister’s death and supporting her directly. He was in a terrible state mentally for some time. So just try to accept that your brothers did what they were capable of, even though it was paltry by your own standards. Don’t trouble yourself with new battles.
Sorry to ramble but just hoping there’s a bit of help in there somewhere.....I know you’re a very reflective person too. Concentrate on some rest for yourself now, and on having gentle, comforting Christmas times with Bea 🎄🎄🎄
Love to you, Fran, we’ll all here always be here for you 😍😍😍😍😍 🌺🌹💐🌻🌼🌸🍁 xxxx
The anger for my brothers is gone, it went when I put them on the phone, told them to say their goodbyes and heard them cry..Dad didn’t hear anything at that stage but at least they were alleviated a little of the guilt they had already started to live with..
Who am I to judge anyway..🦋
I soon realised I had to let go of my anger towards the fact I felt let down because it would just feed resentment and eat me alive. I don’t need that. I have to live with them now..🌻
One said he had to give up his holidays in Vietnam with his daughters, my heart said big deal, my mouth said death comes knocking at our door when we don’t expect it..
The other blamed the doctor who had originally told him over the phone Dad wasn’t critical, my heart said you were not listening my mouth said unfortunately we expect medicine to perform miracles..
So that’s that. They are all coming from wherever they are with their children and it will be a great day for Dad, they wanted a strict family do and I said no, open door..they will be amazed at the people there as I am by the heartfelt messages from the newsagent where he bought his paper to the hairdresser’s, the care assistant who brought his food tray. All those people who have hugged me, told me of all the conversations they had with Dad and how sorry they felt. You live and learn..
I just hope I will have enough canapés, petits fours and prosecco 😃
So I am actually looking forward to it because death also brings people together, some cousins are coming from Lancaster, they have to fly through Leeds airport because it was so difficult to find a flight, I hope the weather will be clement..others are taking the train from Paris..it will be a great get together for Dad and it will irradiate warmth and love to all.
The images and the sorrow will take time, and it is only normal to feel I say to myself, it is a process that can’t be rushed , which is why I am sitting up at 2 am writing to you with yet another cup of herbal tea 😃
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to think and write Penny, it certainly helps. Thank you for the advice. Bea and I are looking forward to a quiet Christmas before the big rush as everyone arrives on the 27th for the funeral on the 28th.
Thanks, Fran. It’s good to know you are coping so well, as always. Your usual strong and optimistic self has come to the fore....what else would we expect! It sounds as though you’ve weighed things up very accurately and intuitively from all perspectives. I hope you and Bea now settle to a relaxing Christmas, and the day of the funeral becomes a day of celebration of your Dad’s life, with the warmth of family and friends around you.
Lots of love, and a safe journey to all the travellers, Penny. Big hug to a super daughter, salute to a super Dad 😘 🎄💐 xx
So sorry Fran, it's clear you did your very best for him.
Dear Fran, I am so very sorry to hear this sad news. I hope you can feel the love and support reaching out to you from all your friends here. My sincerest condolences to you and your family.
Thanks Owen I am so grateful he is at last at peace, it has been hard for him since his wife died 4 years ago, he always said he thought he was the one who would go first, he felt lonely.
Fran, Im so sorry. You were a wonderful daughter and did all you possibly could. It must be some relief to know that you dad is not struggling any more but the loss must be immeasurable. Thinking of you and sending love, jean
What sad news. I have been reading your posts and been impressed by the devotion you showed. My condolences to you and the rest of the family. May you come to have the peace he now has.
My condolences Fran, dad is no longer in pain. Yes of course you're grieving and probably will be for a time. From across the pond,I wrap my arms round about in comfort around you xx
So sorry to hear the sad news, your dad is at peace now and I'm sure he knows how much you loved and cared for him. My condolences to you and all the family.
Very sorry for your loss, I lost my dad rather suddenly just before Christmas a few years back. It's horrendous at any time but somehow makes it's that bit more difficult at Christmas, prob as everyone is jolly and I was just going round in a trance I think.
Remember the wonderful times you had together, that's what I always do.
Bea is a fine daughter and very wise,i think grieving has many more phases,like our dodgy lung diseases,than fine philosophers and psychiatrists should try to quantify and you will find you own way to mourn dad's passing and celebrate his life,when that path gets tiresome or lonely you know that you have an abundance of friends on here to lighten your load.
Sorry to hear your sad news you have ben a truly amazing Daughter and i am sure your Dad as very proud of you try to take some time to yourself .Bst wishes
My dear Fran, so sorry to hear your news. It's all part of life's great wheel, but it's still one of the hardest things we have to experience, as we too get older. It's lovely to see how many people on here have responded with kind words and thoughts for you and your family at this difficult time. All I can add is my own prayers and wishes to ease your pain. Take care my dear.. 😥Gx
Sorry to log on here and read this news Fran. I know it's not what you wanted but you were adamant that you didn't want him to suffer for a prolonged time and that didn't happen.
I'm so glad you were there with your dad when he died and that you have the comfort of knowing he was not alone or with anonymous medics.
I don't think there's anyone on HU who's not in admiration of your devotion to your parents. You did absolutely everything you could do for your dad and he knew he could rely on his darling daughter to love him and look out for him.
This will be a comfort to you as you come to terms with his loss in the weeks and months to come.
Thank you BJ you found the right words, it was not what I wanted, I didn’t want him to suffer..I am going to have to learn to live with that...that there are things beyond our control..
Bea said yesterday when I went in the side room to talk to the doctors he said to her is this it now? Can we go home? And it was the hardest thing to leave him there. She said we should have stayed longer..I said Bea we didn’t know, doctors said they were trying this treatment till midnight and in fact when I phoned at 1am she said it was starting to work..plus it wasn’t our decision to make, they wanted to get on..
Dear Fran, I have just read your reply to Billie Jean, as you say there are no easy answers. I have gone over and over in my head the decisions that I made my father was very ill .
Acceptance and compassion to yourself and others, I guess is the pathway to take .
I'm so very sorry to hear the sad news, and it seems worse this time of year. As hard as it is to see someone pass you know he is no longer suffering and is now at peace, but of course always so difficult for the family and friends left behind.
Condolences to you and your family. Bea is right, we don't go through all the stages of grief linearly, but move between them. You are in my thoughts and prayers at this sad time.
I write with deepest sympathy for you and your family, he is at peace now with no suffering. Sorry I cannot be there to support you but sending a Hug to ease the pain.xx
So sorry to hear this Fran but please find comfort in the fact that he is no longer suffering and is at peace now. Condolences to you and your family. Lots of love and hugs xx
So very sorry to hear your sad news . . Your dad will be with you always .... as mine is always with me........you will find a piece of music or a song will bring him to mind. When that happens you will enjoy your memories. Will be thinking of you and your family on Thursday.........Take care.
So sorry for your loss. You was with your dear dad till the end no one could have done more then u did. Think of all the happy times you both had it will help you over the next few weeks.i lost mum 3 yrs ago at Christmas it is hard but rembering good times does help. . Thinking of you and your family .lots of love xx
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Dad update
copd end case should i let doctors let my father die by withdrawing his by pack mask they have wanted to do that for the last year when ill
Help needed dad with end stage copd and possibly loosing the plot
