Daily Laughter Tuesday
Good Morning Tuesday
This is the day of the fight of the long needles
Or
Come on Graeme where's your dam viens
Session no 6 coming up and a nice sister to boot first go Pleaseeeeee
Have a great Tuesday
Berwick xxx
There was an old Person of Chester
There was an old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that old person of Chester.
= = = = = = = = = =
There was an Old Man of Calcutta
There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter;
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid old man of Calcutta.
There was an Old Person of Ewell
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice,
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
= = = = = = = = = =
There was an Old Man of the West
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest;
When they said, 'Does it fit?'
He replied, 'Not a bit!'
That uneasy Old Man of the West.
= = = = = = = = = =
I must go down to the sea again
I must go down to the sea again, to the lonely sea and the sky;
I left my shoes and socks there - I wonder if they're dry?
Granny
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny;
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear).
All through the night the wind grew worse,
It nearly made the vicar curse.
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people).
It blew on man; it blew on beast.
It blew on nun; it blew on priest.
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny -
But most of all, it blew on Granny !!
GOT A DRIVER
Two bowling teams charter a double-decker bus; they're going to Atlantic City for the weekend. One team is in the bottom of the bus, and the other team is in the top of the bus. The team down below is whooping it up when one of them realizes he doesn't hear anything from the top. He walks up the stairs, and here are all the guys from the second team clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles, scared ot death. He says, "What the heck's goin' on? We're down here havin' a grand old time." One of the guys from the second team says, "Yeah, but you guys've got a *driver.*"
HAPPY PIT BULL
What has four legs and one arm? A happy pit bull.
OUTRUN YOU
Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on. The second guy says, "What are you doing? He says, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it." The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear." The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the *bear*... I only have to outrun *you.*"
SHELLFISH
Why don't lobsters share? They're shellfish.
ATE MY SOCKS
Jimmy and Kathy are newlyweds in the honeymoon suite on their wedding night, and Kathy's in the bathrom. As Jimmy's getting undressed he says to himself, "How am I going to tell her? How am I going to tell my new wife that I have the world's smelliest feet?" Then he throws his socks under the bed. Kathy walks out of the bathroom, and, too chicken to face her, Jimmy runs past her and *he* goes into the bathroom. Kathy sits on the edge of the bed and says to herself, How am I going to tell him? How am I going to tell my new husband that I have the world's worst breath? I've got to tell him." Just then Jimmy walks out of the bathroom. Kathy runs up to him, gives him a huge wet kiss, pulls back and says, "Honey, I've got to tell you something." Jimmy says, "Yeah, I know. You just ate my socks."
50,40,30
A high school girls runs up to her father. She says, "Daddy, Daddy, I need fifty dollars." He says, "Forty dollars? What do you need thirty dollars for?"
SHORT RUNWAY
Airhead Airlines, Flight 101, is coming in for a landing, and the pilot is freaking out. The sweat is jumping off his brow. (Planelanding and screeching to a halt.) RRRtttt! He turns to the co-pilot, and he says, "Man, that is the *shortest* runway I ever landed on." The co-pilot says, "Yeah, and so *wide*."
GOT A MATCH?
Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes. At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific." They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiuful new family. I love it." They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"
YOUR CAT, TOO
It's Christmas Eve. Kelly walks into a bar and orders beer and a shot of whiskey. The bartender gives him a beer and a shot of whiskey. Kelly drinks his beer and pours the shot of whiskey into his shirt pocket. Kelly orders another beer and another shot of whiskey. Kelly drinks the beer and pours the shot of whiskey into his pocket. The bartender says, "Look, Mac, it's Christmas Eve, and I know we're both depressed, and I certainly don't mean to bug you, but my curiosity is *killing* me. Why do you keep pouring the shots in your pocket?" Kelly says, "It's none of your damn business! And if you be givin' me a hard time, I'll be breakin yer face!" A mouse pops out of Kelly's shirt pocket and says, "And that goes for your stupid *cat* , too!"
THERMOS
A guy walks into Dunkin' Donuts. He says, "Excuse me, miss...how many cups of coffee do you think this thermos will hold?" She says, "I think it's a seven-cup thermos." He says, "All right...give me two black, three cream and sugar."
SPOT
What'd the really stupid guy name his pet zebra? "Spot."
WALK AROUND WORLD
Did you hear about the idiot who walked around the world? He drowned.
AIRPORT
Do you know how you can tell the really stupid guy at the airport? He's the one throwing bread to the planes.
PUT UP SCREENS
Two guys are in a submarine. The first guy says, "Man, what are all these fish doing in here?" The other guy says, "I don't know. Maybe we should put up some screens."
QUIET PLACE
What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant.
TRUE-FALSE
A little kid's in school, taking a true-false test and he's flipping a coin. At the end of the test he's flipping the coin again. The teacher says, "What are you doing?" He says, "Checking my answers."
Q.how do you make seven an even number?
A.take the s out!
Question: Why are ghosts bad liars?
Answer: Because you can see right through them
What dog can jump higher than a building?
Any dog, buildings can't jump!
Q. why did the elephant paint himself different colours A. so he could hide in the crayon box
Q: What's black and white and makes a lot of noise? A: A zebra with a drum kit.
Q:How do you make a fruit punch?
A:Give it boxing lessons.
Q:why did the sheep go to the movies
A: to get some snaaahcks
Q. What lies at the bottom of the sea and shakes?
A. A nervous shipwreck!
Q. What do you call a sheep that is covered in chocolate?
A. A Hershey baaaaaar!
Q. What has four legs but can't walk?
A. a chair!!!!!!!!!!!
Why is a horse like a wedding
Because they both need a groom!!!!!!!!!!
Why is a horse like a wedding?
Because they both need a GROOM!!!
Q: Why did the boy take a pencil to bed?
A: to draw the curtains!
What did the math book say to the other math book? Boy do I have problems.
Q.Why was Rita carrying a ladder?
A.Because she was going to high school
Q:What is a witches favorite part in school?
A:Spelling LOL!!!
Why did the kid sleep with a ruler?
To measure how long he slept!
What kind of trick can a bunny do on a BMX bike? Answer: A BUNNY HOP
Why did the grasshopper go to the doctor?
because he felt jumpy.
Q: Where does a rabbit learn how to fly?
A: in the hare force.
The greatest attribute of being a writer is kindling a small flame from within the soul; and through the pen, a raging inferno of imagination springs forth.
Why is it that a man's greatness is so recognized in death and taken for granted in life?
Life is like a dream you never want to fall asleep on.
Love is a universe for all emotions at the peak of their most beautiful intentions.
Touch my heart and you've touched my future.
Many men have followed their intellect and gained much, but the man who ignores his heart regrets even more.
If you don't care where you are going, any road will take you there.
Youth is nature's most highly curable condition!
You never stop loving them, you just learn to live without them!
I've shed an ocean of tears, and still I can't sail away on my dreams.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Some days you're the dog, and some days you're the hydrant.
I keep hitting "escape", but I'm still here.
I just read that YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook are merging. It'll be called You-Twit-Face.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.
I have a drinking problem - I can't afford it.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I may not always be right, but I am never wrong.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Not being able to iron out all of his problems made the dry cleaner very depressed.
Don't tell me the sky is the limit when we've put footprints on the moon.
I just read that YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook are merging. It'll be called You-Twit-Face.
Politicians and diapers need to be changed regularly, usually for the same reason.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
A fool is a 37th floor window washer who steps backs to see his work.
I tried to put my head together but now my body is falling apart!!
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
Birds of a feather flock together, and crap on your car.
I can resist everything except temptation.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement .
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong , you have someone in mind to blame it on.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.'
Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.
I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.
The Aliens Have Landed!
The aliens have landed!
It's distressing, but they're here.
They piloted their flying saucer
through our atmosphere.
They landed like a meteor
engulfed in smoke and flame.
Then out they climbed immersed
in slime
and burbled as they came.
Their hands are greasy tentacles.
Their heads are weird machines.
Their bodies look like cauliflower
and smell like dead sardines.
Their blood is liquid helium.
Their eyes are made of granite.
Their breath exudes the stench of foods
from some unearthly planet.
And if you want to see these
sickly, unattractive creatures,
you'll find them working in your school;
they all got jobs as teachers.
That's it for today folks
For a further laugh lets have a bet about how many times I get stabbed today before they can either
find a vein
find a vein with blood (but blood will not come out)
Find a vein with blood but stops half way through the session
or
one stab , vein found and blood flowing (he he he)
Have a great Tuesday what ever your doing
Breath easy my friends
Berwick xxx
A long wait but finally got there I think
age and other topics
Sunday’s Poem ~ Eddi’s Service
There's a moose loose about the hoose
