I am so happy to find this community of people who understand what Postpartum Psychosis is, and how difficult it is to have experienced it. Thank you so much for sharing your stories, it really helps!
I had an episode of Psychosis after the birth of my first baby boy around 6 months ago. Since then, I have been treated with Zyprexa: first it was 15 mg, then 10, then 5, and now I am on 2,5 mg.
I have noticed that gradually my cognitive skills have deteriorated. When I read something, I need to reread the same sentence a few times to understand the gist, I struggle talking to people, and I have a feeling that my head is empty of any thoughts&knowledge. When my husband asks me something I have only one answer - 'I don't know'. I read that these problems occur because of neuroleptics......
I am terrified with the idea to restart working in a few months with my 'empty' head. Have any of you experienced similar symptoms on Zyprexa or other neuroleptic? What about starting to work after psychosic/treamenent? Was it difficult and how? Thank you so much in advance for your replies!
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Lion88
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A warm welcome to this community where you will find lots of support through shared experiences here. It is difficult to find othes that can relate to pp if they have not had experienced it themselves or through loved ones.
I had pp 4 years ago and I went back to work after it. I started 4 days a week and then went full time when my daughter was a year old. I was also taking an antipsychotic at the time which made me more lethargic and slow. My confidence was also low and I felt unsure about making decisions. But I think all in all going back to work helped me to gain some confidence back in myself.
Do you think you can talk to your manager about a phased in return to work? You can be as open with him as you feel comfortable with, don't need to share if you don't feel ready, but it may help you get more support at work if you need it.
Take really good care, it is very nice to meet you virtually, let us know how you are getting on
Dear Maria_at_APP! Thank you so much for your kind reply. It means a lot to me Thank you for sharing your experience, I feel less alone... The issue with work is that I decided to leave my current employer (too stressful environment to work in) so I will need to look for something else, pass interviews etc.. Thank you for mentioning what worked for you (phased return to work), I will try to negotiate something similar.
Unfortunately I was on a different medication (Olanzapine) and so can't help on that score. Are you still under the care of your psychiatrist? I think it would definitely be worth speaking to your doctor about your symptoms and when they expect them to go away. Or maybe you have a community mental health nurse who could advise? For me, I thought I had completely changed as a person, but then I got reassurance from my doctor that it was side effects from the medication/ coming off medication.
I agree with Maria, if you can see about a phased return to work I think that would help to take the pressure off.
Dear yougotthis1! I really appreciate your kind message. I think Olanzapine is the same thing as Zyprexa if I am not mistaken. I am still seeing my psychiatrist yes, I will actually see her tomorrow and definitely share with her how I am feeling. She is a bit distant and indifferent though. She told me many times that I can forget my old self and it is never coming back!! Thanks for sharing what your doctor told you. Are you already off medication? If yes, do you confirm that your old self came back in full?
I hope your visit with your psychiatrist went ok. I am so sorry to hear that you find her distant and indifferent, that is really unhelpful. I know because they are medical doctors they stick more to facts and leave the talking therapy side to the psychologists, but what she has said to you doesn’t seem right.
I have been off my antipsychotics for about 9 months now and I started to feel more myself, but then unfortunately developed depression, which is not uncommon after PP. I then started antidepressants and am at the final stages off weaning off them. For me, I would say I feel 100% back to my “old self”, which took around a year following PP.
However, what I will say is that what we have been through is a trauma and we will never forget what we have been through. In that way, our experience becomes a part of us, it cannot be unlived. Much in the same way as grief. I know my outlook on life is now very different. I am more focused on goals, helping others through PP and I have much more compassion. So yes, I will never be my “old self” who never experienced PP, but I like to think of myself as the new improved version. But very much still me. So maybe that’s what she means?
I hope that helps, you will get there, I promise. Just keep going, you got this.
Thank you so much for coming back to me with your reply! It makes me feel much better I saw my psychiatrist a week ago and we agreed on reducing the dosage of Zyprexa to 1,25 and completely stopping it in 3 weeks!! I am so happy and I cannot wait to stop the meds. I also am so glad for you that you found again your old self and congratulations on almost weaning off the antidepressants. I hope you are feeling much better now. I totally agree with you as for PP being part of ourselves. It is not easy to accept it, but it is our past now. I wish you all the best and thanks again to being there for me!
I’m so glad that you’re ready to finish your meds soon. It’s such a big step in recovery and honestly I think your confidence will just start to grow and grow as you feel your old self coming back. None of this is easy but you’re doing so great. This is a wonderful network of support and we are all here for each other.
Wishing you all the best, and keep reaching out on here if you ever need to talk 😊
Hi Lion88I spent 3 months on the MBU and went back to work when my daughter was 7 months old.
The antipyschotic medication made my mind completely blank and I had no social conversation. I think the medication heals psychosis by slowing your brain down.
But I worked at it, by training myself to ask open questions etc. I made a full recovery back to my normal personality but it was slow.
Everyone at work was really kind despite not knowing my full story. The structure really helped me.
Dear The_Wes_Anderson_Fan! Thanks a lot for sharing your experience, it means a lot for me. Can I aks how long have you been on antipsychotics? How long has it taken to come back to your normal personality? I am really afraid to loose myself forever. My psychiatrist told me to forget my old self, and not expect it to return ever....
Hi Lion88, My experience was some time ago. I must have been on anti psychotics whilst spending 3 months on the MBU. My medication probably continued a year after my daughter's birth. I think it was a good year at least to get my personality back. I have recovered from psychosis twice. Many women stay on medication forever but they also get their full personality back. Sadly, I think your psychiatric is very wrong, I wish I could meet them and tell them. I now work on acute mental health wards so I can give hope and show that you can make a full recovery. You can be stronger than before x
Dear The_Wes_Anderson_Fan! Thank you for sharing your experience. That is wonderful to hear your opinon on getting one's personality back. Hope that I will also be able to recover fully.
Welcome to the forum and congratulations on the birth of your baby 💜 It’s such a shame isn’t it that the joy of a baby being born should be tarnished by the traumatic experience of PP? I’m so sorry that your psychiatrist gave such a bleak outlook about returning to your old self ... ever!!! I hope she was a little more compassionate when you saw her again recently.
I had PP twice over forty years ago when mental health was very much in the shadows. Recovery for me was very up and down but finding the forum when my children were in their teens gave me hope to know that it wasn’t my fault and I had no choice at the time.
Like you, I didn’t return to my employer. I was sectioned for six months and unable to get myself together in their time frame. So when I felt ready, I applied to agencies for temporary work. I don’t know if this is something you’ve thought of? It suited me to choose the hours I worked and built my confidence in meeting socially in the workplace. After a while I was offered permanent part-time employment from one of my assignments.
I think you are doing really well. Try not to worry about your memory, perhaps its a side effect of your medication? Sometimes as mums we put too much pressure on ourselves to be ‘over it’ without realising what a traumatic experience our minds have been through. So for now, wrap yourself in the comfort blanket of home and be kind to yourself. 🌻 PP mums are amazing!
Hello Lilybeth! Thank you so much for your kind reply. Yes... it is so cruel as you said that the joy of having a baby is lived alongside such a tragic experience... My doctor was a bit more sympathetic when I saw her a few days ago. I did not ask her again about my prospects fearing what she might answer. The good news is that she agreed to lower the dosage of Zyprexa and stop it completely in 3 weeks I am very happy about it. I appreciate very much reading about your experience of PP. I can only imagine what it was like 40 years ago!
Hi Lion88, I can relate to the symptoms you are describing of feeling like my head was empty when I was recovering from psychosis in 2016. I also took Olanzapine/ zyprexa and wondered if that was slowing me up.
In 2019 I went on to have another child and took a low level of the same medication prophylactically and I definitely noticed that I didn't feel as slowed up.
The thing that complicates things is that you have had a really traumatic assault to your brain through the psychosis and depression is a symptom that frequently follows on from a psychotic episode so it may well be that it's symptoms of the illness as well as the medication that is making you feel slowed up.
To confirm this, a friend I made immediately following my psychotic episode has said I'm like a different person than the woman she first met. I'm naturally very outgoing, chatty and gregarious but in the year or two after PP I found I struggled for words and didn't always seek out social contact as I felt so unlike myself.
7 years on, I am much more like myself than I was before. I definitely understand myself better though and I now realise that my mental health is something to prioritise. I haven't gone back to work and I'm definitely not as confident as I was but I'm optimistic that will improve with time. It's already improved since 2016.
You will find a new version of yourself, not the same as before, you have been changed by your illness, but perhaps you will have new insights that will help you in your work place, greater empathy for people who struggle (I've definitely got a bit of a sixth sense for people experiencing struggles now), and greater appreciation of the beauty and complexity of life as a human!
It's unfortunate that you don't find your psychiatrist supportive, have you got any other options for emotional support? Are there any local maternal mental health groups or counsellors you could access?
It's great that you recognise these struggles, and are reaching out. These do not define you, they're symptoms of the illness. And you're incredible, keeping going through it all.
Dear Hazello! Thank you for taking the time to sharing your thoughts and experiences. As you said there is this depression that frequently follows a psychosis, I read about it too. I was hoping that I might be spared and not develop the depression, but it has caught me up too... I can definitely relate to your friends remark about you being a different person. I feel the same way!
This is wonderful that now you are feeling more like yourself. I am really happy for you dear! After how much time would yo say you started to feel yourself again? Was it a progressive recovery or you just woke up feeling better one day? For how long have you been taking Zyprexa?
As for my psychiatrist, I already gave up on her, that is true It is a bit difficult now with emotional support as my family lives far away... Luckily, my husband is near and helps a lot. As for local maternal mental helath group I was unable to find something specific to PP, but I will continue my search)
Hmm well it's been a bit of a rollercoaster, up and down and up and down! I thought I was pretty well at 1 year mark, but then had a MH crisis after that and became very depressed. Then by 3 year mark we were trying for a second child, and I was off all medication.
But then COVID came along not long later so although I didn't have PP the second time I would definitely say I was not at my best (me and the entire planet!!).
I've got a much better understanding of my own brain and what makes me tick. I know what helps and hinders my mental health and I'm much more likely to prioritise things that help and ditch things that don't. Exercise has been a real breakthrough for me, and I'm now training for a fundraiser for APP, cycling to the mother and baby unit I was in, and I'm feeling so glad to give something back now.
You will be in that place one day, but unfortunately it can take quite a lot of time for most people.
I often felt frustrated by the pace of change and it has definitely helped me at times just to accept that this is where I am right now.
With hindsight, it's like having a physical injury, you wouldn't expect to be able to walk on a broken leg straight after major surgery, you would know that you will be limited in what you can do and you will need to gradually build up. It's hard with your mind because there is no definitive way of quantifying what's going on up there, and some days will be better and others much much worse. And circumstances can throw spanners in the works when you least expect it.
Good luck to you, thinking of you and I hope that one day you will be able to message about this time and describe it as being in your past.
Dear Hazello! Many thanks for coming back to me with your reply. Reading your message really fills me with hope. So happy that you are in a good place now! It is wonderful that you have discovered exercising and that it helps you.
I cannot agree more with you about being frustrated about the pace of recovery. Every day is a struggle and I do not understand why am I not feeling better more quickly...
Looking forward to the day when I would be able to refer to my current situation as the past. Thank you again, and wishing you all the best!
hey @lion88. I don’t have much advice, but just wanted to say that I could have written your post word for word! (In fact I have just written something very similar).
Things that I’ve found have helped me are negotiating a phased return to work (I appreciate you will be starting a new job but hopefully you will be able to do similar) and being open with people about why I sometimes struggle cognitively. I’ve found people are generally quite understanding or at least open to a conversation about it. Good luck!
Dear Banana_moon, thank you for reaching out! It means the world to me to know that I am not alone. I appreciate your advice about the phased return to work. I have not really considered it before, but I agree that it makes sense. Very interesting as well what you said about being open with other people. That one would be a bit hard in the beginning, but it should be very liberating to being able to discuss in the open what happened. Thank you again for being there for me
I too struggle with talking to people and socializing. I never had this issue prior to my PPP. All my friends and most of my family have been understanding of what happened and realize it was out of my control. I just feel so anxious and thoughtless now. I feel weird around people and find it hard to even engage with my husband.
I’m currently on Zoloft and lamictal. Weaning off of lithium for reference.
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Thank you for sharing your experience, I feel less alone... The issue with work is that I decided to leave my current employer (too stressful environment to work in) so I will need to look for something else, pass interviews etc.. Thank you for mentioning what worked for you (phased return to work), I will try to negotiate something similar. 
Olanzapine after PP
Slow recovery
Reoccurring postpartum psychosis
My Wife's current journey.
