Does it get better?

[Butterfly819]

After reading numerous posts on here I feel it’s only right to share my story and hope to find some comfort that I’m not alone.

After a traumatic birth and weeks in intensive care with my son we went home and life seemed great. At 6 months old I got PP and spent a month in a MBU last Christmas. I then got severe depression and ended up back in the MBU in spring this year for around 2 months.

Months on and I still feel depressed I dread waking up each day, constantly feel anxious and get no joy out of life or being a mother.

I avoid looking after my son as I feel I’m not capable and get so anxious and frustrated I feel physically sick. Functioning day to day became so difficult he now goes to day care, at first this was so that I could return to work but now I can’t cope with the anxiety if I’m left alone with him. I feel like a constant failure and everytime I look at him I just feel guilty. I’ve put on a brave face and tried to smile through it but I can’t remember the last time I was truly happy. I can see how it’s affected my husband and our lives becoming parents so far and I feel like I’ve ruined his life. You’re meant to be happy when you get the life you always dreamed of so why am I not?

I have flashbacks and nightmares about the things I experienced during the psychosis and on the unit. I have no confidence or self esteem and just hide in my house but every room reminds me of different hallucinations and things I now know didn’t happen but felt so real. I tried medication and therapy on multiple occasions now and neither has worked for me.

With Christmas coming up knowing its a year on from when it all began I worry I will end up back in that state and try to avoid anything in my life that creates any stress to the point now I feel like I’ve stopped living. I used to love Christmas but the pressure I put on myself to have the “perfect Christmas” last year is what I believe triggered the PP along with a lack of sleep from expressing every 3 hours for 6 months.

sorry for the long story I feel some sort of relief just writing it down and getting it out.

[Rachel_at_APP Partner APP]

Good morning butterfly 819,

It’s Rachel here, I’m part of Action on Postpartum Psychosis peer support team.

Thank you so much for sharing what you have, so bravely, here this morning. PP is an awful thing to go through. I had it back in 2016, falling ill days after my little boy was born on Christmas Day. Having PP after what should be a joyful experience of bringing a new life into the world is horrific, it is such a shocking thing to go through and not at all something that you could ever have imagined. You most certainly didn’t cause this yourself so please don’t hold any guilt or worry that you somehow triggered this by wanting Christmas to be a perfect time for your family. PP really can and does happen to anyone.

I’m really sorry to hear that you had a traumatic birth and your little one ended up needing extra time in hospital. As a Mummy, that is really frightening to go through and you must’ve been terrified. I hope your little one is doing well now, and is enjoying the time at nursery. Don’t feel guilty about them being in nursery. They say it takes a village to raise a child, well I dispute that and say it’s a city! It’s absolutely ok to have support of nursery, family - whatever works. My Mummy came to our home every single day for months when I was discharged from the MBU. I felt frightened, devastated, simply darkly depressed. No it’s not how any of us would have envisaged our family starting out - but unfortunately sometimes it’s just not our day, and we’re lumbered with something you wouldn’t wish on anyone. Nursery can be great at supporting families, not just caring for your little one. So I wonder whether you might feel able to ask if you could pop in with them sometimes. If you felt able, you could explain what has happened perhaps, ask if you could come in and read a book with them? Or help maybe prepare the snacks? Maybe being around other people might be helpful in building your confidence?

I found my recovery from PP to be a long and hard-fought battle. I know that unfortunately the same can be said of others’ experience shared here before too. PP is a horrible illness, as you know, where you experience such terrible symptoms. It’s not surprising that it does take time to feel like you’re back to being well and happy again, which is what I can hear you’re longing for.

I’m sorry that in your recovery you find it tricky to look after a little one. That must leave you with mixed emotions, I know when I was recovering I was frightened to look after my little one, then felt terrible guilt for feeling that way.

It is so tricky when, as you describe, your home can remind you of what you went through. I wonder if you’ve been back to your doctor recently and asked if you might be able to access any talking therapies at all? It wasn’t until two years after my experience I was able to access counselling, but it was a really useful thing to do to be able to walk into a safe room each week , with a caring compassionate person who would listen. The first few sessions I did nothing but cry. I was just devastated, but in time talking about what I went through and all that I experienced really did help.

Battling to recover from PP, I really had to build myself back. I think there’s something about PP unlike other illnesses where your sense of who you are is even more complicated as you’ve just also brought a new life into the world. I know that I just struggled with that hugely and wasn’t sure how I would ever be happy, suffering with the depression like you have described yourself. In time with the right support I did get better and you will too.

In terms of looking after a little one, I wonder whether a charity like Home-Start in your area? They are a national charity with local volunteers, who are often all parents themselves, who are willing to volunteer to support families in their own homes. It might be that volunteer could come to your home perhaps and help you slowly build your confidence.

I think you’ve been so brave in writing here and I’m really glad that you ended your note saying that you think writing it all down might help in a small way. Do keep writing and sharing and asking questions, whatever you find helps.

In the absence of being able to see the happiness growing in front of me in my depression, I wrote in a journal for a long time - noting down three little things that had happened that day. Even what might seem inconsequential little things to another person can be huge to someone who is lacking self belief, confidence and happiness having experienced PP. Sometimes it would be as simple as I brushed my hair today, or I managed to breathe in some fresh air today outside, or I ate some good food today. Gradually it build and you are able to look back on those days and see how far you’ve come.

You certainly haven’t ruined anyone’s life my lovely. I promise you that. I felt scared and frightened that I had too. PP is a cruel illness that has a nasty tendency to make us feel all sorts of horrid things about ourselves, I found especially in the depression afterwards. Try to remind yourself each time those thoughts come - that yes they’re thoughts, but they’re not the ones you need to linger on. Try to picture your closest friend talking with you - what would they say to you? They’d tell you that none of this is your fault. That you were poorly, that you’ve really been through something truly horrific, they’d say to treat yourself with huge kindness. All of that is true. You are loved by your family and friends, you really are - you will get better.

Rachel x